Is it better for everyone if I 'tap out' of parenting?

[ArtfulLimeTurtle]

I've been in my step-daughter's life for the last 7 years - part time (half the week) for the first 4 years, and she has lived with us full time for the last 3 years (with very little contact with her Mum).

She's 13 now and proving to be very difficult - especially towards me, so much so that I wonder whether it'll be better for us all if I tap out and stop trying to parent her. My husband has always given me full autonomy over parenting her and I've done what I can to try and treat her the same as I do for our joint child.

By taking a step back from parenting I hope that it'll allow my husband to be a better father - he can make decisions in an instant and react to the situation in front of him, without having to give my position any thought. It could make our relationship better, since the number 1 cause of conflict between husband and I are issues with step-daughter. Hopefully then, in time, the tension between step-daughter and I will also dissipate because she'd have no cause to resent me.

However, even if I step back there will still be issues that I need to address due to the natural balance of an adult and child living under the same roof, and I expect she'll still reject my authority - potentially even more. Additionally, I don't want her to feel 'left out' of her family which I guess could happen if only her father is parenting her, but we both parent her sister. I also worry that having her Dad all to herself could be everything she has ever wished for, and that maybe this could actually lead to a bigger split in the family entirely, of step daughter and Dad vs me and little sister.

What I do know for certain is her attitude and behaviour are making it more and more difficult for me to remind myself that she's just a child. When she was younger it was much easier to not take to heart her behaviour but it feels now that she knows what she's doing, and why she's doing it, but does it anyway.

I would love your opinions - shall I step back, since doing the same thing for the last 7 years hasn't made any difference to her feelings towards me? Or shall I double down, continue as we have been and hope that she appreciates the consistency one day?

How much parenting does DH do?

Could she be angry with you because she feels it should be him parenting?

I think he needs to step up so she feels secure and yes you should take a step back.

I think however you can hold boundaries around any kind of behaviour that has a negative impact on your child - beyond that DH should be parenting.

I had a stepdad growing up and he absolutely was a parent to me. Forever grateful to him, especially as my Mum was abusive. His guidance was very important and a great comfort.

I also had a stepmother and she stepped back when I pushed back on her and misbehaved and I wish she didn’t. I felt so alone, especially as my Dad was kind of checked out. It gave the message that I didn’t matter as much, that I wasn’t really a part of this new family. And as I respected her authority even less from her stepping back, it was a bad cycle when I really really needed a strong mother figure.

I don’t agree with stepping back. But a chat with your partner about boundaries and presenting a united front is important. But no, I don’t agree with giving the message that you're no longer a parental figure, at such a crucial time.

I agree 100%. And I was this child. My stepmother did step back and it was very hurtful and damaging.

I would expect there are ways that you could step back that might be helpful to her and her dad's relationship and ways that might be harmful to her. Could you give some examples of what stepping back might look like and what you'd like DH to do more of?

Do you think the problem is that she isn’t suited to your parenting style or is it that she doesn’t respect your role as her stepmum?

do you have any kind of a bond?

I don’t have experience with step children however if you feel it would help to step back you could try it and see if things improve. If you step back as the disciplinarian could you then step into more of a fun “aunty” role as you said?

it might help build the foundations of a relationship and build the trust and respect from both sides.

good luck op although it’s hard it sounds like your doing your best which is amazing

Have a look at Nacho parenting, maybe? That’s a step parenting approach that works for some. Give it a google.

13 year old girls and their mothers (or stepmothers) have a bloody fraught time in most cases anyway. It usually gets better by around 16 or 17, but it’s a bumpy few years.

Do you think part of the issue is that she sees you being a mum to your younger joint child and it makes her feel anger and sadness for not having that from her own mum? The understandable feelings of jealousy are then being directed at you? I expect you and your DP are more accommodating of a younger child's behaviour and it's likely you are more physically affectionate to a younger child who was your own baby, despite you working hard to treat her as your own. She's at an age when she is now more abe to think hypothetically about how life could be and about others' points of view, though without life experience she may often misunderstand others' perspectives. She may also fear rejection from you too and be testing this or telling herself that no-one wants her, so what's the point.

Could it be helpful to prioritse strengthening your connection with her e.g spend more 1-1 time with her doing enjoyable things? Perhaps you 'swap' children sometimes and you do something more suitable for an older girl with her?

If by 'stepping back' you mean from implementing household rules and sanctions, then I can see that could work in some families. However, given what you've indicated about her history, it is probably worth stepping up rather than down in other ways. It does sound difficult though and I know that won't be easy. She's lucky though to have a step mum who cares enough to be thinking all this through and posting about it on a forum

Even if she was your biological child this age would be tricky so it is even more so considering she isn’t your child.

You say that her mum isn’t really in the picture and given her age this is probably starting to affect her in a lot of ways and with hormones and everything else “normal” teenagers go through she is experiencing a lot.

It sounds like you’ve put in a lot of great time and effort with her and she’s lashing out at you as she feels comfortable with you and you are her safe space.

It’s ok to be finding this tough and to need to take a breather every now and then. The main thing you need to work on is you and your husband being on the same page and supporting each other and your DSD through these tough times.