Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Is it better for everyone if I 'tap out' of parenting?

33 replies

ArtfulLimeTurtle · 10/02/2025 14:59

I've been in my step-daughter's life for the last 7 years - part time (half the week) for the first 4 years, and she has lived with us full time for the last 3 years (with very little contact with her Mum).

She's 13 now and proving to be very difficult - especially towards me, so much so that I wonder whether it'll be better for us all if I tap out and stop trying to parent her. My husband has always given me full autonomy over parenting her and I've done what I can to try and treat her the same as I do for our joint child.

By taking a step back from parenting I hope that it'll allow my husband to be a better father - he can make decisions in an instant and react to the situation in front of him, without having to give my position any thought. It could make our relationship better, since the number 1 cause of conflict between husband and I are issues with step-daughter. Hopefully then, in time, the tension between step-daughter and I will also dissipate because she'd have no cause to resent me.

However, even if I step back there will still be issues that I need to address due to the natural balance of an adult and child living under the same roof, and I expect she'll still reject my authority - potentially even more. Additionally, I don't want her to feel 'left out' of her family which I guess could happen if only her father is parenting her, but we both parent her sister. I also worry that having her Dad all to herself could be everything she has ever wished for, and that maybe this could actually lead to a bigger split in the family entirely, of step daughter and Dad vs me and little sister.

What I do know for certain is her attitude and behaviour are making it more and more difficult for me to remind myself that she's just a child. When she was younger it was much easier to not take to heart her behaviour but it feels now that she knows what she's doing, and why she's doing it, but does it anyway.

I would love your opinions - shall I step back, since doing the same thing for the last 7 years hasn't made any difference to her feelings towards me? Or shall I double down, continue as we have been and hope that she appreciates the consistency one day?

OP posts:
Flipslop · 10/02/2025 15:02

You chose to be deeply involved in this child’s life and now you want out because it’s become difficult.
you are her parent!!
my goodness this poor kid.
im not saying it’s easy at all but you need to get on board and carry on the parenting that you have had a hand in, if you’d really made an effort to ‘treat her as your own’ you wouldn’t even have contemplated stepping back, is that what you’d do with you bio kids?
Sorry this is a harsh response but it seems very damaging what you’re proposing

Guavafish1 · 10/02/2025 15:05

I would stop the parenting.

Just treat her like aunt/niece relationship. The teen years are the worst… in 5 years she be an adult.

please save your soul in these 5 years… don’t be a martyr

Guavafish1 · 10/02/2025 15:07

I have 2 step children … I stepped back during teen years. Now both young adults I have a good relationship with them…

their father had the difficult time.

Original poster
ArtfulLimeTurtle · 10/02/2025 15:08

Guavafish1 · 10/02/2025 15:05

I would stop the parenting.

Just treat her like aunt/niece relationship. The teen years are the worst… in 5 years she be an adult.

please save your soul in these 5 years… don’t be a martyr

The Aunt thing is just what I have in mind - I have a great relationship with my niece, and she doesn't hate me, which at least in part will be because I don't try and parent her. I'm there for what she needs, on her terms.

OP posts:
LittleRedRidingHoody · 10/02/2025 15:10

Flipslop · 10/02/2025 15:02

You chose to be deeply involved in this child’s life and now you want out because it’s become difficult.
you are her parent!!
my goodness this poor kid.
im not saying it’s easy at all but you need to get on board and carry on the parenting that you have had a hand in, if you’d really made an effort to ‘treat her as your own’ you wouldn’t even have contemplated stepping back, is that what you’d do with you bio kids?
Sorry this is a harsh response but it seems very damaging what you’re proposing

I really don't agree with this. It's not like you're disappearing completely! She'll know you're there if she needs/wants you, but yes it may be best for her dad to step up more and do the bulk of the 'difficult' parenting and make the big decisions, especially regarding behaviour!

RandomMess · 10/02/2025 15:15

Is your DSD having any therapy? It sounds like she's had a very tough time tbh.

furiousnana · 10/02/2025 15:22

you say that your DH has given you full autonomy over parenting his DD, yet you say that most of the conflict comes from parenting his child? which is it?

shes 13.. its a rubbish age to be, and even worse when families are being blended.

i don't think you should 'step back', i think you and DH need to sit down and work out a plan moving forwards including talking to DSD and setting out boundaries. I think im correct in that DSD lives with you full time? is there a reason for this? does she need some sort of theraphy?

Asswholes · 10/02/2025 15:28

Think that there needs to be further attempts at more compassion and understanding for this young girl who appears to not only have her family fall apart at a very young age but then to go on lose contact with / become estranged from her mother.

Original poster
ArtfulLimeTurtle · 10/02/2025 15:36

She's having therapy yeah, which will hopefully help in the long run but I'm not expecting any short term resolutions.

OP posts:
MrsS11 · 10/02/2025 15:43

It sounds like your DH is maybe just leaving all the hard stuff up to you? Everyone needs to tap out sometimes (if there are two parents) but it sounds more like he just needs to take a bit more responsibility. You can't withdraw yourself when you've been a main parent for so long, that's going to cause more issues than it solves but he needs to take over a bit more. Maybe that means more 1:1 time with her or maybe just confidence making decisions without your input where appropriate.

JimHalpertsWife · 10/02/2025 15:46

Is her behaviour within the realms of "infuriating but probably common" teenage girl behaviour?

Does she direct any of this towards her dad or sibling?

Maddy70 · 10/02/2025 15:51

I would take a step back. Leave all decisions to your husband for your own sanity right now. But ... Don't back off from the affection. Give her a hug when she comes in etc make her know she's loved

PensionConfusion24 · 10/02/2025 15:52

No, I don't think you should.
It's not abnormal for teens to test their parents to their absolute limits. A lot of what you describe (forgetting she's a child, her hurting you and causing issues between you and your husband) simply sounds like parenting a tricky 13 year old, not specific to being a step parent.
I don't think it will make things easier in the way you envisage and could make it harder if your husband feels unsupported.

She's also got a tricky history already, she's "lost" one mother, it might be much more important to her than you think for you to hang in there with her.

She's at one of the worst ages, don't quit now.

PrivacyScreen · 10/02/2025 15:55

13 is a really difficult age to parent no matter the relationship. Is this a good reason to step back from it? I'm not sure it is.

Obscurial · 10/02/2025 15:58

I think tapping out now when she’s a teenager, and you’ve basically been her parent for 7 years, will send a message to her that you don’t care.

Clearly some awful stuff has gone on with her mum for her to live with you full time, and teens often push those they love as a sort of boundary pushing exercise to know that you’re not going to drop them. If your relationship with her has so far been good I think taking a step back could be disastrous for her.

If her dad needs to step up then that needs to happen too. I assume he’s her default parent?
If for some reason you are her default parent then that’s more of a reason to not tap out. She needs to know you’re there regardless, and so far her relationship with her mum has gone, she needs the reassurance and safety to push those boundaries and know you’re still there.

lespameo · 10/02/2025 16:00

I am you, but a couple of years behind. My DSDs are 10 and 8, live with us full time and see their mum very little. I have great anxiety over what's to come and have already started to take a more 'backseat' approach as, like you, the main topic of disagreement between me and my partner is about the girls and having a difference of opinion on somethings. And I really don't want my mental health to spiral when the hormones kick in! I also have my own 2 dc to think about and ensure I'm being a good mum to them.
I definitely agree with taking the aunty approach. Also look up nacho parenting if you haven't done already. It's so hard when they live with you full time but little by little, it will get easier.
Sending love xxx

Immo8 · 10/02/2025 16:21

LittleRedRidingHoody · 10/02/2025 15:10

I really don't agree with this. It's not like you're disappearing completely! She'll know you're there if she needs/wants you, but yes it may be best for her dad to step up more and do the bulk of the 'difficult' parenting and make the big decisions, especially regarding behaviour!

Show quote history

I'm sorry, but whether you agree or disagree if the OP should step back or not, one thing none of us can argue over is whether she is this girls parent, because she isn't. I do get fed up of that narrative being thrown around on MN.

Flipslop · 10/02/2025 16:27

Immo8 · 10/02/2025 16:21

I'm sorry, but whether you agree or disagree if the OP should step back or not, one thing none of us can argue over is whether she is this girls parent, because she isn't. I do get fed up of that narrative being thrown around on MN.

Show quote history

How is she not a parent? She has literally said herself she chose to parent

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 10/02/2025 17:00

Definitely step back, OP. Best thing I ever did.

ItGhoul · 10/02/2025 17:12

Plenty of teenagers are just as much of a nightmare with their biological parents. If she was yours by birth, would you think you could just 'tap out of parenting' and pretend to be an aunt.

She barely sees her mother. She's clearly had a difficult time emotionally over the years. She's 13 and a raging mess of hormones and feelings and she's behaving horribly to you because deep down she is testing you to see if you'll reject her like her birth mother did. So no, don't 'tap out'.

BallerinaRadio · 10/02/2025 21:17

Guavafish1 · 10/02/2025 15:07

I have 2 step children … I stepped back during teen years. Now both young adults I have a good relationship with them…

their father had the difficult time.

Did this affect your relationship at all? Was there any resentment from him that he was going through this difficult time essentially alone or could he separate that from your relationship? Not judging at all just interested how you got through this as a couple.

Creameded · 10/02/2025 21:18

So her lazy father happily handed over her parenting to you?
I bet he did.
Poor kid.
You are the skivvy aupair OP.

Hand that childs parenting over to her father.
Poor child.

mdinbc · 10/02/2025 21:24

I just can't see how you step back, or 'turn off' parenting a child living in your house? Being untidy, not coming down for dinner, late for school.... do you just let it ride until dad deals with it? What if he's not home?

Explain how one could step back? Certainly you have to have the same rules for everyone in the household?

Jen596 · 10/02/2025 21:30

If the number 1 cause of conflict between you and your husband are issues with your step-daughter then that is what you need to sort out. You need to be working together not falling out or tapping out.

What exactly are the issues you're arguing over?

Claudiand · 11/02/2025 09:34

Being consistent is what’s going to be best for everyone in the long run, but that doesn’t mean you being the primary parent and SD’s punchbag.

Take some child-free time with your husband and draw up clear parenting responsibilities for each of you. Include sanctions and discipline and then be very clear with it to both girls. You need a united front for your own sanity.

Swipe left for the next trending thread