Child all of a sudden wants to live with non residential parent

[Pickle1411]

lookijg for some advice.

been with partner for 5 years. Partner has 13 year old DD. She’s a great kid, but is going through the typical teenage years (feels like a lifetime ago for me). Partner had to fight to get access to his daughter but once the CAO was granted he’s never missed his days. He has a great relationship with his daughter and pays his maintenance always and extra whenever he can for trips, classes etc. I also get on well with DSD, will treat her to girls days etc.

DP and DSD’s mum unfortunately don’t get on at all, and on many occasions is very high conflict. A simple question or statement is often met with screaming/shouting so he keeps contact to an absolute minimum. It’s sad, but it’s not for me to get involved in.

now, here’s the rub. My partner proposed to me around 3 weeks ago. Whilst it was a total surprise we had spoken about our relationship naturally progressing. DP of course spoke with DSD ahead of asking me but not too far in advance as we’ve had instances of surprises being outed before despite specifically saying not to say anything. She was happy I said yes and of course excited to be a bridesmaid. she went home last weekend, everything fine.

this Friday, DP picks her up and she promptly informs DP that her mum is abusing her and that she now wants to come and live with us. DP has asked her to give examples of alleged abuse. Answers were mainly mum takes her phone off of her, shouts and screams at her, doesn’t care about her, doesn’t spend any money on her anymore. Now, my spidey senses/woman’s intuition tell me these all sound like a fairly average teenage/parent arguing. Phones confiscated for poor behaviour was a standard when I was her age as was shouting if my parents had to ask me the same thing multiple times. Alas, I’m not her parent, and to be quite honest I have no reason to be. She’s got 2 parents that need to get their heads together and communicate better.

DP initially said he was going to speak with mum. This provoked a total meltdown as she doesn’t want him to speak to her mum. The other options given were if the alleged abuse is so bad then she should speak to a teacher at school, or DP would speak to social services or the police. DSD has said no to all of these. DP has been quite frank with DSD that as there is a CAO by law he cannot just change the roles on a whim. He has dropped her home this evening and plans to speak with her when he picks her up later this week.

we’re both kind of sat here thinking this has come so out of left field. Are/have we done the right thing by returning her home? Should he call mum regardless of DSDs wishes, should he speak to someone? Or is this a storm in a teacup? Neither of us want anything bad on our conscience and we don’t want her to not tell us if somethings wrong but equally she seems so adverse to any intervention we’re not sure how serious to take what she’s told us both.

What do you actually think has happened?

Sounds to me like she sees your house as a 'proper' family, filled with happiness the upcoming wedding and with a mum and dad all under one roof. Her mum's temper is an excuse to move in.

Not sure how you navigate this but continuing to talk with (not at her) her is a good start.

OP, rethink this marriage.
You have no idea what is ahead of you, particularly if you want children.
Do not rush into anything that you will bitterly regret.

What does your DP know from his relationshipwith her Mum?

DH didn't/ couldn't say he was a DV victim, but he knew when DSD told him that her Mum was getting worse that she was being abused, that she didn'tdeserve it (unlike him) and that he had to put a stop to it. I overheard conversations about it "She's not as bad as she was to you, but she's a lot worse than you've ever seen her be to me".

As you say, confiscation of a phone can be a normal punishment for a teen, but it can also be abusive if eg it's not to stop her messaging her friends but is to stop her contacting her Dad (as we had). Ditto shouting, normal parents do it, but abusers also do, is it a frazzled woman letting off steamat the state of a teenager's room (but apologising when she's calmed down) or is it a week long barrage of abuse? The context is all important and your DP has a greater insight into this because he presumably lived with her.

Apparently when DSD was small and let Mum dress her etc they got on, when DSD became a teen and started choosing her own clothes etc that's where the trouble started. So your DSD being 13 could be the issue, but your DP will know best whether her Mum is a normal person with a bit of a temper, or an actual abuser capable of terrorising his kid.

If it's the latter he needs to go back to court. DSD made recordings at about that age and played them to her therapist (her Dad didn't put her up to it, she just wanted people to believe her). They were so awful we assume her Mum received legal advice not to go to court.

In your shoes I’d ensure your partner has a conversation with her to say she’s always welcome and can move it but it’ll have to go back to court, and the court will do what she, the child, wants. So she is going to have to tell her mum that she wants to live with her dad. I wouldn’t have sent her back personally.

Would you be happy for her to move in? Do you have the space / time / logistics?

This. My DH was physically and mentally abused but his ex and although he believes she'd never lift a finger to the kids he wouldn't be surprised if they said she was screaming and shouting or emotionally abusing them. Your OH should know her well enough to know whether to take this with a pinch of salt or whether there could potentially be some truth in it.

Could it be that's she worried that she'll be left behind when her dad gets married? It just seems too much of a coincidence that it's happened around the time of the engagement. Or maybe she's mentioned it to her mum and her mum has reacted badly which has made you SD want to move away from her.

Although there's a court order, at 13 courts will likely go along with whatever the child wants. I'd maybe see how things go for a while and if things settle down, then you can apply for a change in the court order. Maybe even mention it to SD so she understands that it's a serious thing so she can can have a proper think about whether this is what she really wants.

If a child comes to you and says they are being abused

you report as a safeguarding issue

you don’t ask the child if it is ok to report

but

yes she could be lying but she might not be lying

I’m in 3 minds.

A) it’s an anxiety reaction and she’s worried she’ll be left behind or out of the family unit which would never ever happen. She will always be welcome and a part of the family.

B) teenage hormones kicking in and she’s butting heads with mum and pushing boundaries.

C) her mum is actually abusing her.

its just weird, the whole time I’ve known her, her and her mum have been as thick as thieves. On multiple occasions she’s asked to go home early because she misses her mum (we’ve always obliged). DP has had concerns in the past around mum not being mum and acting like more of a friend and letting her have false nails, lashes, make up at age 10. So there is a bit of a question mark over whether this is now backfiring on mum maybe trying to put boundaries in place.

DP has said if that’s what she wants then he will support it but it won’t happen overnight and her mum will have to be told. DSD didn’t want mum to be told but that’s just not going to happen.

if there hadn’t been a CAO we wouldn’t have but DP said if he didn’t then mum would have without a doubt called the police.

logistically DSD would have a lot of upheaval. She would have to move schools, as we live 1hr and 20 minutes away. That also means new circle of friends, support networks etc. we have a room for her so no issue there but DP has stated he won’t be endorsing lashes and fake nails etc until she’s old enough to maintain these herself. And no hanging out at friends houses on a school night until 9pm. So I guess my concerns are that whilst she’s saying this is what she wants is it really?

id hate for my partner to have to go back to court and fight this only for DSD to decide 2 weeks later that she doesn’t like the rules here and wants to go back.

I personally think the 3 of them could do with some family counselling and come up with kind of agreement on ways of living/dealing with conflict. But I guess that’s blue sky thinking ey?

My DHs ex did this with my SS when they first split. DH had always been the parent who implemented structure and discipline and he continued with that after they split, meanwhile mum tried to win favour and acted as a friend rather than a parent. This resulted in weeks of my SS not seeing his dad because he didn't like that there were rules at dads house whereas at mums it was a free for all and he got to skip school, smoke etc. The novelty soon wore off and SS has lived with us full time for almost two years now.

From your updates it sounds like they’re butting heads due to SD’s behaviour (that her mum has enabled!) and she was testing the waters.

Is she in year 8 or 9? Moving school isn’t so simple in the later school years as she’ll be starting to do GCSE texts in either year 9 or 10.

I’d suggest your partner reiterates what he’s said, that she’s welcome to move in with you but it’d be a court process and she’d need to advocate for herself because of her age, and that he can’t do it for her. I’d also be clear with her that once she’s moved, there’d be no moving back until after her GCSEs.

When you go through a long term relationship with kids breaking down and separating and court it tends to show you if your ex is capable of abuse. Does your DP think she is capable of what DSD has accused her of? Does he think DD is telling the truth? If he does then he needs to support her. Your DP talking to the safeguarding lead at her school or finding a therapist who specialises in this for DSD to see might be a good place to start. While she would need to talk with someone offical like the judge/court appointed psychologist/SS and express what she wants she will still need her father to advocate for her if she is being abused.

I’d talk to safeguarding at school. I absolutely would not let any child think that I would keep abuse secret for them.