How do you work around night wakings with older DC & newborn?

[ncmad]

Have NCed for this & very open to being told I'm either being silly or missing something, not a parent myself yet and no clue what to expect

DH & I are expecting a baby, I have one DSC age 5 who lives with us around 40% of the time.

DSC often wakes in the night and finds it tricky to resettle, can be once at times but often more like 3-4 times. Once DSC is awake, they'll usually shout for DP for a few minutes then make their way into our bed. DH is a heavy sleeper & doesn't always hear/wake up, I usually give him a nudge to tend to DC as I'm a lighter sleeper & since being pregnant find it difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep. DH then guides back to bed & resettles with a cuddle, sometimes falls back to sleep in DSC bed.

DSC has a solid bedtime routine of bath, book & bed, no screens. We've tried moving bedtime later, earlier, keeping the same as Mum's house. DSC isn't waking to use loo or for a drink either (has also been dry at night for around 2 years). Doesn't complain of nightmares, has a few nightlights and hallway light is kept on.

I'm slightly worried it's only going to be worse with a newborn. I don't expect for a moment that new baby will sleep through but concerned they're going to wake each other up constantly. I'd hate for the baby to wake up DSC (and vice versa) even more frequently & selfishly worried about my own sleep too. I'm exhausted being pregnant & waking up around 4 times a night for a wee in addition so can't imagine the newborn wakings also

According to DSC's mum this doesn't happen too often at their home. I hate to think that DSC is unsettled with us but it's not something that has worsened recently (if anything, it's improved) so don't believe it's to do with having a new sibling. We, and DH in particular, have spoken with DSC about any worries they may have but seems very positive in all other aspects.

We've only in the last 12 months or so managed to get DSC to sleep in their own bed from bedtime & also currently trying methods of self settling as likes to be cuddled to sleep. Have tried gradual retreat & coming back to check every 10-15 mins. Other than DH sleeping with SDC or on a blow up bed on the floor, we're at a loss.

Does anyone have any guidance they can offer or experience with this?

Thought the self settling after story time may be relevant as wondered if DC was waking up confused if alone.

Also doesn't respond to reward charts really. Is quite an early riser also do not sure how they function on so little broken sleep when we are like zombies. Not lethargic during day & doing really well at school. Dinner usually 2-3 hours before bedtime, has a wee and some water before bed too.

Not a step parent but had a son who was terrible sleeper. We just had to wait it out and make sure bedtime awakening wasn’t seen as fun.

So we would go in, check for needing toilet, drink, nightmare. Ok cuddle kiss goodnight.

but we wouldn’t cuddle back to sleep anymore, we did a hand hold, which then became just sat next to the bed, then just sat in the room and then wasn’t required after a while. Because he learnt how to fall back to sleep without the added person.

The girls however lovely sleepers he just needed that extra comfort for a while.

My stepchildren were older - 8 and 9 - when my daughter was born. The younger SC would wake in the night with a wet bed and someone would sort dry bedding. But when my daughter was teething I was getting woken 5 times a night. My stepdaughter was old enough to understand how exhausting it was and after that she would strip her own bed and get into a sleeping bag - we did reward her for this. Perhaps a 5 year old is getting old enough to understand adults need sleep. But quite how they deal with their own waking at night is a bit of a hard one

Your husband didn't get up and change his own daughters bed?!

Double bed in older child’s room - your partner goes in and sleeps with him when needed and you support baby at night. That’s what we did, I was exclusively breastfeeding baby so dad not needed at night for them and we really didn’t want our older child to feel pushed out so dad went in to cuddle/sleep as much as wanted. I would say the wanting someone at night intensified significantly after baby arrived fwi!

Sorry op, i was honestly shocked at that post.

You are a team, so DH will have to wake up and you will learn to divide and conquer.

@UndermyShoeJoe

DH tends to guide DSC back silently, sometimes drops back off immediately but if not will continue to shout (more of a wail to be honest) or comes back in. Will try the retreat type method in the night but DH is exhausted too, and probably finds it easier to just lay down although I know not helpful in the long run.

@AnnaAkhmatova I do agree that at 5 they might start to understand, but hard to put this into practise themselves when waking up in the night needing comfort. DH often lets me have a lay in when DSC wakes but if DH is preoccupied, they will come in singing or playing next to my head to wake me too😬

To clarify, spouse dealt with my stepdaughters bedwetting, but I was woken up by her coming in to our room.

I think one could legitimately object to being disturbed while having a lie in. DH can make it clear you're not to be disturbed and if he does this despite being told, there can be a sanction.

Dh was a bit like that it was easier to just fall asleep in the room. I had to step in and it was fixed in a couple of weeks.

He does need to be loving yet firm. It’s better for the little lad too, otherwise you might as well just have them both share a room from the first wake up and get used to it being the norm.

It either needs solving before the baby arrives or putting on hold so it’s not seen as daddy gets a new baby and now won’t come sleep with me.

Manage your expectations about sleep now. Expect to get little and be happy with what you do get.

Not a step parent, but our 4 year old has always been a terrible sleeper. Woke every 2 hours every single night until 2.5 and still wakes 2-3 times a night now. Unfortunately it is normal.

Quite simply, you just tag team it. With our first we took shifts. Once we had a second DH did the older one and I did the baby. We gave each other as much sleep as we could in the form of naps, lie ins etc.

At this age my SD used to also shout for Dad from bed all the time. It was causing stress so he said to her that if she needs him to come down/come and find him. This was much more calm as it was actually the shouting that was stressful.

With my now 5 year old DD, she's also been taught not to shout but to come in quietly. Usually happy to have a cuddle and be taken back to bed, or sometimes stays if she's come in quietly while we are sleeping.

Neither of these things really made much of a difference when the younger children were babies. But it would be good for DP to start this asap so it is already an established routine.