Advice needed, I'm going crazy.

[YourSunnyShaker]

Hey everyone,
So I help, advice and to vent. Myself and my partner have been together for 4 years. I have 3 children from a previous relationship 14,12 and 9 My partner has 4 children with his previous partner 18,17,11 and 9. Almost 3 years ago the now 17 year old came to live with us due to an altercation with his Mother. As soon as he moved in we have had issues. He and my eldest do not get on at all which caused issues in regards to sleeping arrangements meaning 2 of my children now have to share a room and he has his own room. Within the first 12 months he was suspended 14 times from school and eventually expelled. He failed all his GCSE's. He started college we had nothing but trouble and phone calls from the tutor about his lack of respect and attitute and then he dropped out after a few months. He now has a part time job. All during this time he has shown me nothing but resentment and zero respect. Sometime he doesn't say a single word to me or the other kids for days. My partner works extremely long hours so doesn't have to deal with this daily. Anyway as if all this wasn't stressful enough. I have known he has been vaping since he moved in. I told him that u der no circumstances is he to ever do this in the house as I don't want the younger kids to have to deal with it. He never listens and vapes all the time in his room. The smell is unbearable. So bad I can smell it downstairs. Again if all this is not bad enough I put some washing in his room and as I opened the door I could smell weed. Long behold I checked his coat pocket and there it was all the stuff for making joints. I have lost the will and feel like I'm going crazy. He has said on multiple occasions that he hates living with us and wishes that his dad and I had never met. He hates where we live and wants to go back to his home town but he has nowhere to go. I'm at a loss just dont know what to do. Hopefully someone can offer me some advice or help.

So sorry for the long post

My 18yo SS moved in with us 2 years ago because he doesn't get on with his mum. He's a nice boy, well behaved etc but when he first moved in he was very lazy. DH had expectations of him that included not lying in bed all day, finding a job, doing certain chores and keeping his room clean. My DH told him if he didn't like the rules and wasn't doing what was asked of him he would help him fill out a housing application and he could make his own rules in his own place. Or he could move back to his mum's.

When he was younger we went weeks and months of not seeing him because he didn't want to abide by the rules. Caught smoking out a window etc.

Although I support my DH with parenting he is the main parent and he handles discipline etc. He's firm but fair with his kids.

My SS is now a mature, thoughtful, hard working young man and we rarely have any issues from him. But it took some hard work from my DH and I to get there.

Your OH needs to get a proper handle on this situation. It's not fair that he just goes to work and leave you to deal with it.

Can he join the army -he seems a lost soul- apart from wait for him to grow up not sure what you can do. It’s hard for a 17 year old to admit he’s a complete loser.

Exactly. Quite convenient for the father for 4 who works long hours isn't it? He's found himself a live in maid to cook and clean for him and his kids.

And this is why, so often, 'blended families' only benefit the adults

When Step son is not here the dynamic works perfectly.

But you said in the first post that the boy came to live with you 3 years ago, and that there were troubles as soon as he moved in.
And that the relationship with his father is only 4 years.
So for three of the last four years there have been issues, for most of the time.

That is demonstrably NOT putting your children first.

This boy hates you, and has been violent towards his mother. Meanwhile, his father works very long hours, so has effectively abandoned him.

This is the father's problem to solve - he needs to move out with his son, jack in his job and find something no more than about 38 hours a week max (preferably a lot less), and try to rescue his son before it is too late (if it is not already too late).

That was a suggestion that he goes and get his own place and takes him with him but he then backtracked and said the he didn't want to do that and that his Dad should not have to move out just because he wants to.

This is important - who said what to whom?
If there is the genuine offer of him moving out with his dad, why would he turn it down? That makes no sense. He does not want to live with you and your DC, so why would he now say he doesn't want to move because his dad should not have to move?
Did your DH have a conversation with his son and persuade the son that DH should not have to move out? And son now thinks this is somehow a matter of principle, rather than his Dad just wanting to stay where he is comfortable and bury his head in the sand?

But you're not putting your kids first are you?

You're simply writing that but that doesn't count.

Putting your children first would have been your partner and his son moving out 3 years ago.

You have subjected your own children to this unnecessarily.

That is not in any way shape or form putting them first.

Whether that's what you want to hear or not.

I have sympathy for the lad's feelings, rejected by his mother and ignored by his dad. But the point is, his behaviour is appalling, he has a history of violence and your children should come first.

The absent partner and his son need to move out. You are running the very real risk that your own kids will grow to seriously resent you for the ongoing choice to inflict this shit on them.

I cannot understand why you'd tolerate this a day longer.

No advice just sending hugs

I think your partner needs to move out. You've only been together 4 years I wouldn't get married just yet.
Give it a few years then re assess the situation with his son and the other kids.
No need to end your relationship just live apart and see each other a few times a week.

Where was your partner living before he moved in with you op?

I have a very very similar situation here with DH’s son. He’s 16. Vaping, smoking weed, drinking and lying about it all. Very lazy and very entitled, no respect. His mum threw him out a month ago and he’s here full time since (had been week on/week off). DH has a habit of knee jerk punishments, e.g. telling him he’s grounded for a year and a couple of days later he’s off into town. I find it very infuriating, frustrating and unattractive. We have a joint child together so moving out isn’t an option, it’s not even financially viable with the cost of living anyway.

i would very strongly reconsider getting married to this man any time soon.

Whats the deal with his work? Can he find work closer to home so he can be there to spend time with his son?

Agree with others ask your dp and his son to move out and go back to dating for now. The situation you describe isn't fair on your children.

I have three children (one is dhs) if at any point dh wasn't anything but a bonus in their life I would have moved on.

My ex is on his third wife, I've watched my children go through some shit to make way for new kids/wives . The end result is they are not close to their dad.

You reap what you sow

If you have a joint child @TheFoz, at least you know now how his father plans to parent him. Forewarned is forearmed.

Your poor fucking children.

Yep. And I’m doing everything I can to mitigate that. As it is the child favours me and wants to spend all their time with me rather that dad.

SS needs to move out, no two ways about it. If his father follows so be it.

OP this sounds very tough. It’s clear that you care for your DSS and that’s lovely, but you really do need to put your own children first. You don’t want to wake up one day wishing you’d focused more on them than getting tied up with someone else’s child. I’m not saying yours aren’t a priority to you, but it’s done unintentionally whilst your efforts are focused on dealing with him and doing what’s necessary to accommodate him.
As hard as it is, you should seriously consider postponing the wedding whilst everything is so up in the air.

Your DSS has been abandoned by his mother. It was awful what he did but there must have been a lot building up to it and she ignored it rather than recognising that he was struggling with the separation and supporting him through it. It sounds like she moved on and got pregnant quite quickly, and his dad moved in with you quickly; that’s a lot going on for a teenager to adjust to.
I’d be insisting he go back to counselling, not through school but independently. Maybe even family counselling so his dad can be there to support the sessions and gradually being you in so DSS can see you’re not a threat and you do care for him. Your own children may benefit from it too, it is hard growing up in a house where one or two children become the centre of everything because of their behaviour.

Its going to be a tough road ahead, but you need to focus on your DC and ask your partner to arrange counselling and deal with the issue of DSS smoking

I wonder what your children will say about how you blew up their lives in their home for this man and his son?

You owe this man and his child nothing.
You owed your children a safe home and you gave that up for him.

Your children do not come first.
If they did you wouldn't have put them through the last two years.
Taking their bedroom from them is unforgivable IMO.

Apologies if that is harsh but it is the truth.
No parent who put their children first would dream of inflicting this on their children.
It simply wouldn't happen.

How are your children going to look back on these years?
You need to be honest about this, not try and convince yourself to make you feel better about bad decisions.

As for marrying him. Honestly give your head a wobble.

He needs to move out with his child.
Good luck to you.

It's not up to your SS that your husband gets his own place to live.

You and your kids shouldn't have to suffer like this.

In your position, I would tell your partner that this can't carry on and you need to live separately for the relationship to continue.

He is making it awful for everyone.