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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Advice needed, I'm going crazy.

45 replies

YourSunnyShaker · 08/02/2025 14:56

Hey everyone,
So I help, advice and to vent. Myself and my partner have been together for 4 years. I have 3 children from a previous relationship 14,12 and 9 My partner has 4 children with his previous partner 18,17,11 and 9. Almost 3 years ago the now 17 year old came to live with us due to an altercation with his Mother. As soon as he moved in we have had issues. He and my eldest do not get on at all which caused issues in regards to sleeping arrangements meaning 2 of my children now have to share a room and he has his own room. Within the first 12 months he was suspended 14 times from school and eventually expelled. He failed all his GCSE's. He started college we had nothing but trouble and phone calls from the tutor about his lack of respect and attitute and then he dropped out after a few months. He now has a part time job. All during this time he has shown me nothing but resentment and zero respect. Sometime he doesn't say a single word to me or the other kids for days. My partner works extremely long hours so doesn't have to deal with this daily. Anyway as if all this wasn't stressful enough. I have known he has been vaping since he moved in. I told him that u der no circumstances is he to ever do this in the house as I don't want the younger kids to have to deal with it. He never listens and vapes all the time in his room. The smell is unbearable. So bad I can smell it downstairs. Again if all this is not bad enough I put some washing in his room and as I opened the door I could smell weed. Long behold I checked his coat pocket and there it was all the stuff for making joints. I have lost the will and feel like I'm going crazy. He has said on multiple occasions that he hates living with us and wishes that his dad and I had never met. He hates where we live and wants to go back to his home town but he has nowhere to go. I'm at a loss just dont know what to do. Hopefully someone can offer me some advice or help.

So sorry for the long post

OP posts:
TacticalEvasion · 08/02/2025 15:03

Has he received any support or counselling? He sounds very troubled.
Maybe your DH needs to take some time off and spend some with him love bombing or something, see if he will open up and he can get to the bottom of the issues he’s feeling. Could they go away just the two of them for a weekend together? Does he get any one on one time at all with his dad if he works so much? He’s obviously missing his old friends/old life.
He was only 14 when you got together, and even younger when his parents split up. Tough to deal with when going through puberty too.

sometimesmovingforwards · 08/02/2025 15:05

Sorry OP, I’m at a loss also so can’t advise.

I just feel deeply sorry for yet more kids growing up in bended family situations they didn’t ask for.

Original poster
YourSunnyShaker · 08/02/2025 15:11

My DH has tried to do all of what you suggested. They have been away together, spent days out together. The only thing we get from him is that he doesn't want to be with us or at his Mother's. The reason he had to come and live with us in the first place was that he physically attacked his mum whilst she was pregnant. She will not have him back to live with her as in her words ' It would be like living with an Domestic abuser'

OP posts:
Anotherfrozenpizzafortea · 08/02/2025 15:13

Partner or husband? Whose house is it?

If partner, and he moved in with you I'd be seriously asking him to move out and take his son with him.

Original poster
YourSunnyShaker · 08/02/2025 15:18

Anotherfrozenpizzafortea · 08/02/2025 15:13

Partner or husband? Whose house is it?

If partner, and he moved in with you I'd be seriously asking him to move out and take his son with him.

We are due to be married later this year. The house we live in is rented but the tenancy is in my name I've lived in the house nearly 6 years. That was a suggestion that he goes and get his own place and takes him with him but he then backtracked and said the he didn't want to do that and that his Dad should not have to move out just because he wants to.

OP posts:
Chuchoter · 08/02/2025 15:22

His dad should move out with him but how that will work out if he works long hours is anyone's guess.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 08/02/2025 15:25

I'd postpone the wedding until all the children had left home.

I couldn't live with this boy and I wouldn't want my children to do that either, so I'd ask my partner to move out and to take his children with him. I'd feel sympathetic towards my partner and might continue to date him, but I wouldn't share accommodation with him or his family now.

OneWittySquid · 08/02/2025 15:30

Please don't marry all in see is 8 children's needs not being met here. No one is putting them first.

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 08/02/2025 15:36

I'm sorry this is such a difficult situation, but the first things that struck me were that he's clearly very troubled, but that his difficulties are an issue for his father and mother to address. However, you seem to be left with the worrying and trying to find solutions.

Is it feasible for your DP to reduce his working hours at least temporarily and spend more time with his son? Might he be able to persuade his son to try some form of counselling?

The violence towards his mother is worrying, not only because it suggests significant distress around the breakup of his family that he has not processed, but also because it makes me wonder if he poses any threat to you and your children. Do you think he might? If so, even more reason for this not to be left on your shoulders and to consider separate housing.

Original poster
YourSunnyShaker · 08/02/2025 15:36

OneWittySquid · 08/02/2025 15:30

Please don't marry all in see is 8 children's needs not being met here. No one is putting them first.

My children are the light of my life and they always come first. They see their Dad regularly and have very strong healthy and happy relationships. And they adore my partner and he adores them. When Step son is not here the dynamic works perfectly. His younger children come every other weekend and they are great and love coming to stay. Think it's very bold of you to say that the other children's needs aren't being met when we are doing everything we possibly can to make sure they are.

OP posts:
Ramblethroughthebrambles · 08/02/2025 15:42

Just to add, even though his behaviour towards his mother was awful, that shouldn't mean she abdicates all responsibility for parenting, in favour of her new family. Where is she in this discussion? How is she contributing to solutions? Do she and your DP have a co-parenting relationship where they can support their son together?

Endofyear · 08/02/2025 15:44

I would tell your partner to move out and take his son with him. Your children should not have to live with this because you have chosen a partner with a son who has problems. It's your partner's job to parent his son. It's not going to get any better for you and your children until they move out.

socks1107 · 08/02/2025 15:45

My sd did something that was illegal and something I don't want around my daughters. She hasn't been back in my house since and won't be ever again. There's a whole backstory and many different things have happened.
But. The bottom line is do you want weed around your children in their home. If the answer is no he has to go and if that's with his dad so be it.
If my dh wanted his dd to live with him I'd have no issue with that in a separate house and we would stay married living apart, we've discussed it and know that's what we'd do as my priority is my dds and his is his dd.
Your not going crazy but your being left to manage a situation his dad should be doing and isn't

Original poster
YourSunnyShaker · 08/02/2025 15:45

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 08/02/2025 15:36

I'm sorry this is such a difficult situation, but the first things that struck me were that he's clearly very troubled, but that his difficulties are an issue for his father and mother to address. However, you seem to be left with the worrying and trying to find solutions.

Is it feasible for your DP to reduce his working hours at least temporarily and spend more time with his son? Might he be able to persuade his son to try some form of counselling?

The violence towards his mother is worrying, not only because it suggests significant distress around the breakup of his family that he has not processed, but also because it makes me wonder if he poses any threat to you and your children. Do you think he might? If so, even more reason for this not to be left on your shoulders and to consider separate housing.

Totally agree with you. His mum has only just in the last 12 months allowed him to go and visit occasionally as she has even said that she has other kids to think about.
This is why I feel so lost. He was in counselling through School but used to walk out of the meetings and said he doesn't need to talk about anything. I've never felt scared of him or threatened. However the possibility of separate home for the time being is sounding more and more appealing.

OP posts:
Dror · 08/02/2025 15:47

Sounds utterly hellish. Seven kids?
It's not in your kids best interests to be made to live with all these people.
Don't take on the mental or physical drudgery of raising the man's kids for him or solving their problems.

Why not just enjoy dating and live separately?

OneWittySquid · 08/02/2025 15:49

They aren't being meant 8 children between the two of you . How are they adequated provided and supported for. You wouldn't be posting if it wasn't affecting your dc. Your not putting them first by housing your dp and his son. The eldest of your child doesn't like him by your own admission. Please listen to your kids and don't put your relationship first. Your making two of your dc share in their own home to adequate your partners son.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/02/2025 15:54

Your partner needs to move out and house his 17yr old separately ( and his other children ) you can do day visits, days out but separate houses and nights until the 17yr old lives independently.
I wouldn't be marrying this man before that nor putting his name on the tenancy, don't be stupid.

Original poster
YourSunnyShaker · 08/02/2025 15:55

OneWittySquid · 08/02/2025 15:49

They aren't being meant 8 children between the two of you . How are they adequated provided and supported for. You wouldn't be posting if it wasn't affecting your dc. Your not putting them first by housing your dp and his son. The eldest of your child doesn't like him by your own admission. Please listen to your kids and don't put your relationship first. Your making two of your dc share in their own home to adequate your partners son.

I posted because as a mother I hoped that other parents would be able to offer help and advice. Which others in this thread have been doing. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. I had hoped not to be judged.

OP posts:
OneWittySquid · 08/02/2025 16:00

People are telling you what to do you just don't like the answers here. This is literally what you wrote.

I have 3 children from a previous relationship 14,12 and 9 My partner has 4 children with his previous partner 18,17,11 and 9. Almost 3 years ago the now 17 year old came to live with us due to an altercation with his Mother. As soon as he moved in we have had issues. He and my eldest do not get on at all which caused issues in regards to sleeping arrangements meaning 2 of my children now have to share a room and he has his own room. Within the first 12 months he was suspended 14 times from school and eventually expelled. He failed all his GCSE's. He started college we had nothing but trouble and phone calls from the tutor about his lack of respect and attitute and then he dropped out after a few months. He now has a part time job. All during this time he has shown me nothing but resentment and zero respect. Sometime he doesn't say a single word to me or the other kids for days

you dc walk on egg shells in their own home. The eldest doesnt get on with him and two dc have to share. This is not acceptable for them

Original poster
YourSunnyShaker · 08/02/2025 16:03

OneWittySquid · 08/02/2025 16:00

People are telling you what to do you just don't like the answers here. This is literally what you wrote.

I have 3 children from a previous relationship 14,12 and 9 My partner has 4 children with his previous partner 18,17,11 and 9. Almost 3 years ago the now 17 year old came to live with us due to an altercation with his Mother. As soon as he moved in we have had issues. He and my eldest do not get on at all which caused issues in regards to sleeping arrangements meaning 2 of my children now have to share a room and he has his own room. Within the first 12 months he was suspended 14 times from school and eventually expelled. He failed all his GCSE's. He started college we had nothing but trouble and phone calls from the tutor about his lack of respect and attitute and then he dropped out after a few months. He now has a part time job. All during this time he has shown me nothing but resentment and zero respect. Sometime he doesn't say a single word to me or the other kids for days

you dc walk on egg shells in their own home. The eldest doesnt get on with him and two dc have to share. This is not acceptable for them

I am literally taking what everyone else has said on board and agree wholeheartedly. You are the only person I have disagreed with.

OP posts:
OneWittySquid · 08/02/2025 16:06

It's there in black and white reread and listen to what your dc are telling you.

Pigeonqueen · 08/02/2025 16:12

Your dc are unhappy and being pushed out. Your dh needs to move out and put his dc first.

Bananalanacake · 08/02/2025 16:20

I always say this, have a relationship living apart, if you don't have any joint DC what's the point in living together. If you are really happy wait until the last of the DC have moved out then think about living together.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 08/02/2025 16:24

You're putting your relationship before your children.

It's quite sickening really.

lunar1 · 08/02/2025 16:32

Nothing about this is good for your children, your partner needs to move out and parent his son alone.