Realising the manipulation

[Blonderblonde]

From discussions with my partner about what happens between him and his ex wife whilst co-parenting, I feel much of the behaviour is manipulative or inappropriate on her part.

They have a good friendly relationship looking after their 3 boys split equally which is great. She asks him to fetch and carry everything to her house but doesn’t return the favour. She gets emotional if she feels something is slightly out of her favour but is happy to demand extremely unfair changes to the schedule if they work for her. She expects him to come and fix her house, research and advise on personal financial arrangements, offer emotional support etc but leaves him to run his own affairs (rather chaotically). She has a partner but he works away

I could understand if she looked after the boys for the majority of the week as they are hard work, but he does his fair share of planning, organising, clothes shopping, clubs etc as well as having them half the time. His life suffers as he is fixing hers

He’s begun to notice and is beginning to say no which is causing some friction. Not blunt or rude but I’m sorry I’m busy tonight or out with friends or I’m at work but you can collect yourself. Is this unreasonable and what can he do to help manage the situation. He fears she will petition for more custody if he doesn’t say yes to her

They do not have a friendly relationship. It's not friendly if she's only friendly when everything is going her way. It sounds like she's still treating him like he's her husband and completely taking advantage of his softness. I'm glad he's finally seeing through the manipulation. Is there a court order in place? She'd need to have a really good reason to upset the status quo if the kids are settled in their routine.

They don’t have a good relationship.
My DH had this, apparently they were good friends still, but the minute he wasn’t at her beck and call she either blamed it on me or gave him stick calling him a s**t dad and messing around with when he could see his DC (or arrangements being made then she wouldn’t be home when he went to collect, so he had to wait around for sometimes hours).

Your DPs ex is only friendly when getting her own way.
Given they have 50/50 it doesn’t seem likely she will try for more custody, but if she does try so what, it’s been working well for the kids and that’s what the court will be interested in. And trust me, it’s worth every penny spent in court to get things official, than spending the rest of your life over a barrel because your DP is too scared to say no to her.

I do have a good relationship with my ex. It’s good in that we treat each other kindly and respectfully, do right by our DC, and if one of us is unable to do something for the other it doesn’t have a negative impact on our relationship or DC

I agree with PPs - this is not a friendly, healthy co-parenting relationship.

It screams a need for control on her part and he is doing the right thing by saying no and setting healthy boundaries.

I get that he wants to ensure his children are OK if a fuse blows or something, but unless it's an emergency, he needs to step back from the DIY demands. Same for the financial and definitely he emotional expectations - totally inappropriate.

They divorced FFS - this means he no longer has responsibility to maintain her house, sort her finances etc. She's hanging on to him as a support network. RED FLAG. She hasn't got over him. Darling you need to put your foot down - communication only if to do with his children.

“She expects him to come and fix her house, research and advise on personal financial arrangements”

I quote the judge in my divorce - my ex just didn’t get it - “Divorce is two people becoming strangers to each other.” You have gone their separate ways, thus the children are your joint responsibility, but that’s all. I would be most put out if my DH kept running to his ex to do household chores and sort out her money - and so should you be, OP. Your DP is not her husband - he needs to say no and walk away, and she can get as shirty as she likes: it’s no longer anything to do with him.

He just needs to continue saying he's busy and unable to assist her. She'll get the message in time. It doesn't need hostility, simply stating he's got so much going on himself.