Am I being too harsh?

[theblackflash]

I do need to gain some perspective here and maybe come down off my high horse for a minute so finally asking for advice.

Trying to cut a long story short, I have 3 D's. The first one was essentially raised for 10 years with me and his step dad, father to my other two D's. He suffered a lot of emotional and psychological abuse at the hands of his step father which I am still rectifying the damage done and regaining his trust. Swore I would never be in that position again but I have actually met someone, been together a year and a half and done very gradual introductions from about a year. Building up to going swimming and days out like zoo ect then the occasional sleepover. All has went well, the kids like him, he seems to really enjoy the child activities but I am struggling with the adjustment.

He doesn't have children and doesn't understand the emotional things that go hand in hand with parenting. Like, if I'm talking about overwhelmed and stressed because they are driving me nuts, he will be logical and say just do this just do that. I was really struggling at Christmas time and he didn't offer to help me out at all which signalled to me he's not committed to being part of our family. But we have spoken a lot about living together and being a unit. My eldest got into a bit of Sri Ken trouble with his friends, as boys do sometimes and dp got a bit defensive about me not handling it more seriously.

Admitidly I am a very laid back parent, I was raised in an alcoholic home and have some cptsd due to this and never wanted my children to feel the way I did so I have showered them with love and acceptance and understanding and probably went too far the other way. I will also admit I struggle with setting and keeping rules and saying no. But I am fiercely protective over them and any questions regarding my parenting as I feel I parent intuitively most of the time.

Anyway I've totally shut down towards towards dp due to these wee things and he desperately wants to able to do this blending with us thing right. I was so impacted by my last relationship that I have ridiculously high standards now and anything I don't like, that's it you're out basically.

He did get defensive when I raised this stuff which is why I've totally cut off but there's a big part of me doesn't want to let go as we do actually have a really nice relationship and the kids have bonded well with him.

Do I need to give him a break as it's not easy coming into a full family when you are used to being young free and single? Or do I just stay safe and single until they are all older?

Honestly, given what you said your son went through with his step father, id just be concentrating on your kids. You mentioned you feel like him not offering to help with your kids means he's not committed. I think that's harsh. I'd not offer to help someone with kids where we disagreed on how situations should be handled and he probably felt it wasn't his place. Just date this guy. You don't have to have another man move in where you're going to disagree on your parenting.

People often propose a practical solution to a problem, men in particular so even if he had children he might be the same. Tell him what you want from him. Get him on a parenting course. More haste less speed.

Ten years is a long time for a child to suffer with a step parent. It sounds like your kids are still young so that means it's most of his life. It sounds like you're being very defensive while also creating mixed messages for your kids re boundaries. I doubt your partner will ever be able to get it "right", because it sounds like the rules are always changing.

Your son has already suffered significantly, let him finish growing up without more blending. As someone who had multiple stepmom's' I really dont think it's right that children are subjected to every relationship a parent gets into.

Parent your own way, and continue to allow your son to recover without anymore big life changes.

Yes I am very defensive which is why I've tried to do the right thing and end the relationship. It's not fair on dp to have to keep his opinions to himself, I can see that and it's verging on toxic from me which is crazy as I now feel like the roles have reversed and I'm the narcissistic one. It's almost like I've taken on my exes traits.

Just for context, the eldest is now 19 and works with dp and they actually have a friendship out with our relationship. Dp has played quite a part in his healing actually as he grew up similar. All this aside I think I am still too wary, too damaged probably.

Dp is pleading to not let us go and try again, says he will become the man I need ect but I am in a fight between no way never again and well every relationship has its things that take work and effort.

Maybe my expectations are unconsciously so high as I know no one will ever meet them and that keeps us safe.

I am now processing thoughts on this thread lol but it's helping thank you!

I don't think either or you are compatible. I don't have bio kids yet managed to adapt and understand the what being part of a family and having kids entailed. I don't think you're ready for a relationship. It sounds like you have a bit of work to do on your parenting techniques and he's probably giving you advice from an outside perspective that you're not ready to hear. If you're not willing to listen to his opinions then you obviously don't see him as part of your unit. It's always going to be you and the kids and him on the sidelines.

This board is overflowing with stepmums being frustrated with Disney dad's who are too laid back and don't discipline properly and the advice is always to walk away and don't get involved with someone who can't parent effectively. I'm sorry that your upbringing wasn't great but you're doing your kids no favours by being so laid back and not holding boundaries and having appropriate discipline. You can still shower them with love while having rules and boundaries. It seems that you are aware of it at least and I think you should focus your time on that before thinking about introducing a partner into your life. Particularly considering what your eldest went through, I would just be putting a hold on any romantic relationships for now.