Partner won’t parent out child!

[Baileybobby]

Me and my partner have a 16month old daughter, he has a 10year old daughter from a previous relationship. We moved house to live 5mins from his daughter 2 years ago.
His daughter lives with us approximately, 45-50% of the time, based on alternating weeks.
my partners job means he travels also.
I work full time and do the main commute to work because he wanted to move closer to his daughter.
To cut down the story my partner refuses to parent our child when his daughter is at our house, as he says he needs to prioritise her and isn’t willing to give up spending time with her! Example, this week my partner was away Monday to Thursday, his daughter came to us Friday and he’s done nothing to help me parent our child. Or even spend time with her.
I feel like the single parent.
Am I in the wrong to ask him to help? Or share his time between the two of them?

Of course not.

Remind him that while it's important for him to have one on one time with his older child, it's also important for the siblings to spend time together. Then make plans for yourself and leave him to it.

Because of the age gap and activities arranged between him and his daughter mum, it’s difficult for our child to join in, I actively encourage one on one time with him and his daughter, as then I feel less guilty asking him to help with our child, but he just becomes totally hands on and parents only one child! Even down to food shops and school/ nursery pick up and drop offs!

This makes me so mad. Mums who have children from previous relationships don’t ditch and neglect their younger children. So why do some dads do this?

He has 2 children. I imagine the older one is more fun and engaging to be with but that doesn't mean he gets to opt out. Would he prefer to be part time dad to both kids because I'd resent his behaviour and tell him to Foff. He should spend 1:1 time with both of his kids and not just the easy one.

I feel he is less than part time with my child, I can’t even work out what value he brings to mine or my daughter’s life. I feel I have managed incredibly well raising my daughter on my own and don’t need him or the hurt he is causing.

The sad thing is, his 1st daughter’s other home life is with a single mum and she has another sister in the home. I’ve never once heard her complain that her mum has to divide her time.

What is he like on the week he is home without your SD?

Does he do his share (not ‘help’ but his share) then?

Gently - you posted the exact same post last Sunday - what advice are you looking for, that you didn't receive then ?

I know you were getting a bit of a hard time regarding your 2nd pregnancy, but the overall theme of the advice was to go back to where your family are based.

No, work then takes priority, he books in his overseas meetings so as not to disrupt his childcare arrangements with his ex partner. He also coaches his daughter’s football team so even on the weekends that he doesn’t have her, he has committed to that. Last weekend when he didn’t have his daughter he decided to paint the kitchen, other weekends when he doesn’t have his daughter, he sees it as a chill weekend. I take responsibility for all the childcare each week, drop offs and pick ups from grandparents/ nursery, dinner times, bedtimes. When I’ve asked him to help with drop offs, he said he does enough for his daughter. Then accuses me of not wanting to be part of the family-I assume he means his family with his child.

Unfortunately unless you are a family solicitor who advises on property and childcare access, it’s very easy to say leave, but there are financial implications leaving a property you own and are named on a mortgage. If you do have that legal background happy to take your advice.

I accept you can't necessarily leave in the next 30 mins.

However you can take steps to put the leaving in motion, eg take legal advice, request he join you in relationship counselling, ask around for recommendation on solicitors, estate agents etc.

At the end of the day, you have to decide whether this is the life you want to live. If you decide to stay, you can build your separate life, build your local network of support, maybe change jobs so you're nearer home for example. But at the moment only you can make that decision. If you decide to leave - then you start that process - legal advice, having that difficult discussion with your partner, lining up accommodation nearer your family.

You have a difficult decision to make, (and I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation) - there are people on here who can offer support and information.

Firstly I just wanted to send some love, as I can imagine being in that situation must be horrible. My advice would be to have a hard conversation with your partner about the needs and care required from both parents equally for both children. It sounds very much like he is playing dad to his first child and taking advantage of you. If you have to repeat the conversation more that 3 times (and even that’s probably one to many for me), you then do what is best for you and your child. This certainly doesn’t sound like a 50/50 relationship and as you have said, you’ve done so well on your own already. I have no doubt you’ll continue to do even better without having to carry the emotional distress this is causing to you.

Secondly, I want to point out you can ask for advice on a topic as many times as you like. I really don’t find it at all helpful when someone points out you’ve already asked… to those people if you have seen the question from the same person before, kindly move to a different thread and mind your own business rather than trying to make people feel like rubbish.

As the poster who drew attention to the OP earlier post - I wasn't being goady -I read and I think commented on her last post and she was given a reasonable range of support, comments and advice. Yes - people can post as often as they want, asking for advice and support, however the more readers of posts know, the better we can advise and support. If the previous advice and support didn't help - and an OP asks the same question, using the same words, the likelihood is the same advice and support will be offered.

@DPotter apologies then I take back what I said, and it’s clear it was well intentioned. I see it a lot where people come to the newest thread just to continue the negativity, so poorly (on my part) assumed this was with the same intention. No hard feelings

I assume he does mean his family with his first daughter. When you have children with a partner who already has children, you extend a family rather than form a new one.

I think I am picking up clues about why his first relationship failed……

I get the feeling this is more about jealousy that he is spending such a large amount of his time with his oldest daughter, rather than what he isn’t doing at home.

You mention that he books his work trips when he doesn’t have contact scheduled. That’s what he should be doing.

He does DIY at home on his weekends without DC1 - that presumably benefits all of you.

He could spend more time with his younger daughter but I don’t think whatever he does will be enough to fill the void in your life created by DC1.

So he avoids spending time with you/daughter when he doesn't have SD?

From what you've said this isn't about SD at all then. If it was he would be a present parent when she wasn't there.

Sounds like he avoids you and your child.

In all honesty, I doubt this can be rectified. I'd make sure I don't get pregnant again as things would probably get even worse (you'll be stuck with 2 kids!) and start planning my exit.

God love you OP.
You are being 100% used by him.
Stop doing anything for his child.
Insist he has to be physically present when she is with you.

You know he has made an awful mug out of you?
You really don't need him.
Get legal advice.
Calculate CM and get the house valued.

But stop being free childcare NOW.
You can do this.

He should be concentrating on both of his children and not scheduling work meetings and trips around one of them. It’s the awful Disney Dad syndrome and you start to lose respect for them and resent the child. I do feel for you OP as have been there (to a lesser extent.) I ended up checking out of blended family life until my SS grew up. I couldn’t be doing with it.

@Redskyatnight6 sorry to jump in here but I’ve been kindly highlighted on a thread I am also dealing with a Disney dad. I’m 5 months pregnant with our first child together, I do think he is a great guy outside of that and the last thing I want to do is to end my relationship… how did you manage to turn it around?

This sounds like a case of total laziness on his part. Younger kids are harder work and he's not interested in parenting the baby/toddler.

Even when your SD isn't there, he ducks and dives to get out of it. I bet he was like this when his oldest was little and now, history is repeating itself.

You need to have a talk with him and tell him the pressure it puts on you too be parenting by yourself. He's not stepping up. Tbh, I think, like many men, he sees it.as YOUR job and had no interest in tending to your daughter.

He also needs to know, that this will affect his bonding and relationship with the 16.month. old. She won't see him as a place of safety or have a close bond with him and may reject him.in favour of you, if he does try and do stuff with her, because she's not used to him. Then that will be more of an excuse for him to back off.even. more, if that's possible.

Don't make it about SD (or you'll get accused of allsorts), but about his presence in your child's life.

Forget SD for a minute. If he was the same as he is with your existing child, in terms of what he does, would that be acceptable to you? Would you have bothered to make a post..even on the parenting forum or anywhere else?

Focus on the actual issue. He doesn't step up at home with your child, but it seems like it annoys you more, because he steps up for his eldest. It's because he has to, now that he's not with her mum.

I was going to say that you shouldn't have another until this is sorted, but a pp mentioned your expecting number 2. Be prepared to be doing it all or most on your own, unless you get through to him.

Good luck with everything.

What? No! He's acting like he only has one child!

Can you pre book his time the next weekend he doesn't have his daughter and inform him he needs to watch his own kid. Go away and enjoy yourself or just a cheap Travelodge to sleep and watch TV for 24 hours?
Or just a long day out, if he's not willing to watch his own "other" kids it's a real problem. He hasn't "done enough" he's not doing nearly enough and needs to hear it calmly and clearly from you.
It is a horrible thought to split the family up, having uncomfortable conversations, and sticking to agreed outcomes could probably stop that from happening, but it needs nipped in the bud as of now.
How many times will he keep saying no to you asking for help?
He's not a hands-on father or a supportive husband, what is his use? Wages coming in? That's a flatmate. If that's all he wants to be you can't change that. But you can change your approach to him, build up support with others, reduce your scant reliance on him, cause you will break up at some point. Struggling with young kids masks so many problems, you trudge on. Then when kids don't need you so much, you lift your head and realise the crap you have been dealing with.

Op, pack a lunch box and nappy bag for your younger daughter and leave DH with both his daughters. Except when he has coaching duties, he should be able to look after the two of them.

Just leave and do your own thing - sometimes when it is your SD's weekend and sometimes when she is not there.
Vacate the parental position.