House rules and how to navigate

[NewlyNavigating]

My DSS broke an item belonging to my DS and hid it without telling anyone what had happened.

He then told his dad after he'd returned home and that was the end of it. No mention to my DS - no apology, offer to replace, or even clear the mess up. From either the child OR my DP!

The broken item was in my DS's drawer and so he should never have been in there either.

Accidents happen and I am not suggesting that it was deliberate. But my DS has been raised to tell me if an accident has happened, apologise to whoever is involved, clear up the mess etc.

I'm disappointed and cross to be honest that it hasn't been addressed. Am I unreasonable? How do I tackle it? My DSS is 14 by the way, not a young child.

My DP will not address any poor behaviour or put any boundaries in place. DSS is a child who has never been told the word no. He is sadly a Disney Dad, and while I really don't want my DSS to feel bad about what is essentially an accident, I do think that at 13 he should be told that he should be honest, fess up, apologise and try to rectify, not to mention not go through someone else's belongings.

Any advice?

A helpful comment might be nicer.

Why presumably? We have been several years.

I do think that the way your DP parents his child is having a direct effect on your child, and it says a hell of a lot about your DP. He is willing to let your child go without- why would you think that it's okay to allow your child to be treated in that way?
Your DSS is not the problem here- he's just behaving as his dad allows him to behave. Your DP is treating your child badly and it is your responsibility to protect your child.

Thank you. I wondered if I was being too harsh/strict.

It was an accident, no doubt, but I feel not addressing it is wrong.

Your poor kid.

what I find curious is that your post makes you sound very removed from disciplining/even chatting to your DSS. Is it a rule that DP always deals with these things?

I would have thought a quiet, reasonable but firm word with your DSS would be good, along the lines of 'X happened and I haven't heard you apologise to DS. I get it was an accident but don't you think it would be a good idea to apologise and offer to replace etc, and maybe even apologise for going into his things - what do you think?'

Thanks - this all came about after he'd gone home. So I haven't seen DSS since.

I was thinking I should do exactly that when he's next here.

It wasn't an accident if he was snooping through your son's things. He shouldn't have been in there. Your poor son.

SS needs to replace the item from his own money and be told in no uncertain terms to never go in there again, if your wet lettuce other half won't do it then you'll have to.

I would put it much the way you have, i.e. that he has broken something, all be by accident, but he should have told you about it, and apologised to whoever owned it.
Then add the bit about it not being appropriate to go through other people's things, just as he wouldn't expect someone to go through his.

thank you, that is exactly what I had thought I should say.

If I damaged something at my friend's house, even if it was an accident I would fess up and pay for it. Just because it was an accident doesn't mean he should be help responsible for it, especially given that he broke it whilst raiding through a drawer he shouldn't have been it.

God help us with all these children being raised not heating the word "no" or being help accountable for their actions. They're going to get a huge shock when they enter the real world. Does you DS not comment on the fact he is being raised with rules and boundaries while his step sibling gets to do whatever he wants?

There is no way I would stand for this. He needs to make a face to face apology to your son and replace the item. Presumably this is what you'd ask your son to do if the roles were reversed?

And time for a lock on you son's bedroom door.

But mostly, how can you stand being with such a lame man? Whose house are you in?

Send your DP a link to where he can buy the item that was broken, give him a date as to when it should arrive by.

Ask DP how much of DSS's pocket money is going to be put towards paying for the replacement and when your DC can expect an apology from DSS.

Stop being so passive in this. If you had an item in a drawer at work and a colleague had gone into your drawer in secret and then broken the item, you'd be speaking to HR and asking for them to get a replacement and a formal warning.

Parenting is preparing children for real life, your DC needs to be shown what happens when something of his is stolen and broken and DP needs to teach his son about apologies and replacing broken items.

He then told his dad after he'd returned home and that was the end of it. No mention to my DS - no apology, offer to replace, or even clear the mess up. From either the child OR my DP!

How did you come to find out that he had told his dad about it?

I don't think he can be reprimanded for it at this point, his dad hasn't taught him how to deal with these situations, he's obviously panicked and waited till he was 'safe' to tell anyone.

What you can do is decide if this is what you want for what's left of your son's childhood. All you can control here, is your response. Your partner has made it clear this isn't worth any response, he isn't going to change.

Even if it's an accident, you apologise as a minimum. If it was something he shouldn't have had, he replaces it. An accident is breaking a glass or spilling something. Deliberately taking an item is a different category altogether

@NewlyNavigating your dp is ascared to say anything or set rules incase his ds stops coming to stay, but it's your house and your ds house to, I would be pulling him up on it, some people on this thread seem to think you have to roll out the red carpet and keep shut if it's anything to do with the poor dear step kids. Yes unfortunately you do have a dp problem but your dss is 14 so knows right from wrong.