Advice needed

[Pineapplelady1]

Hi, I've recently found out I'm expecting. We haven't told our daughter (my husband's daughter) yet as we want to wait for as long as we can to prepare her.

I am due around the dates that we have her and if I go into labour that is fine but because my husband's family love five hours away she wouldn't be able to go to them. She lives 1hour from us and her mum is really difficult and will not let her be with my family without us there for no reason. She is really looked after by my family and treated like she is mine it's just her mum who is awkward.

I want to be able to stick to seeing her during the day but not overnight as an option that her mum maybe happy with but I know she will also make it really hard for us.

Am I being reasonable for this as a request

When she’s with her Dad it’s his decision who looks after her etc provided she is safe and well cared for. Her dad can discuss with her mum once your pregnancy has progressed
presumably? You may not have the baby on or even around due date. I wouldn’t worry about it too much yet.

It's got nothing to do with her mum how your DH manages childcare on his time. I wouldn't even mention it to her in case she refused to let her come to you. Just play it by ear and if need be used your DHs family. You don't need the mum's permission.

Is there a court order in place?

You have a back up plan for childcare when you already have one. Close friend on call to come over while the in-laws get there.

Or your DH follows you to the hospital once help arrives. An already difficult ex isn't the one to ask for this, she may promise one thing and not follow through. Your DH can make arrangements and not burden you with it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

The way I see it there are two options:

1. Stick to your usual schedule and if birth happens slowly and your family can get there to look after SD then do that. If things progress quickly then have a friend on hand who can come and stay at your place if you give birth when SD is with you. Ideally a friend SD knows fairly well and is comfortable with.
2. Ask Mum if she can be on hand to collect SD if you go into labour. As a bio Mum I would have been very happy to do this for my son but I know there are a lot of bio mums who wouldn't! If you think this option will cause you stress or anxiety then go with option 1 as a plan.

I know it's hard but please do try not to overthink it! Focus on your family of 4 and best wishes for a healthy pregnancy x

Thank you for your replies they are appreciated. Alot of the replies mention my DH family, they live four hours away so unfortunately we can not rely on them to look after her. I know my family will be her mum still dictates as to where she goes when she is in our care... Something I always fight against as she is 100% safe with my family. Her mother also doesn't drive and wouldn't rush in getting her especially as we live an hour away. I'm dreading having to tell her the news because I know just how evil she can be. I'm treat my step daughter as my own and she will never be treated differently to my own child once here. It's just during the labour I want to make sure she is safe and out of the situation incase anything goes wrong

No court order in place unfortuantely

I would get the court order in place before the baby arrives. Preferably before she needs to know about the baby. Stop any mucking about once she finds out.

Her mum can dictate all she wants but you don't have to pay any attention to her. Your OH can arrange whatever childcare he wants on his time. Her mum doesn't get a say. It's none of her business. I wouldn't even tell her. Collect the child as per the schedule then use whatever childcare you need.

When it comes to it, have childcare planned incase it's a quick labour (my first was 2 hours from start to birth) and have a conversation about it with mum in advance. Realistically you can't plan for it, my first was born at 34 weeks so completely unexpected. Just need to make sure there's somewhere for DD to go, and then if there's not enough time for mum to collect her from you then she can pick her up from whoever is watching her if she wants to.

4 hours can be plenty of time for your family to get to you if its a slow labour so that could still be a plan, with a friend nearby who can take care of SD at shorter notice.

Try not to waste your pregnancy stressing about the 'ifs and maybes' with SDs Mum. xxx