Advice

[cyandolphin789]

Hello, I have 3 SC - 1 at Uni, 2 boys at home with me and my OH who are aged 17 & 15. We live in a house we bought together 4 years ago and we have a DS between us who is 6 years old.

We generally get on well as a blended family and have lived together since 2018 when our DS arrived (initially in my DPs house).

I have recently been finding it very difficult to live with one of my SC who is 17. He is very rude (often doesn't acknowledge you, walks around wearing headphones, if he needs something he doesn't put it into a full sentence etc) and although extremely intelligent and loves school and structure, he hardly talks to either of us and displays many typical autistic symptoms such as preferring time to himself, not communicating (hardly ever says please or thank you) and a dislike of small-talk, strange behaviour (to me) of coming downstairs at 10pm cooking bacon sandwiches a couple of nights a week, having no sense of fear, such as walking to the gym at 9pm on some nights through very dimly lit areas.

I appreciate that we are not on the same wavelength and that's fine, but feel quite awkward around him and he probably does around me potentially, but I'm finding it hard as our values are so different.

Speaking to my DP he tells me to stop going on and just accept him for who he is etc and defends anything he does that might come across as 'rude' but I'm struggling to understand what I can do to make the situation any better.

He's 17. Loads of 17 year old are like this. It's he going to uni?

Only if their parents haven't bought them up properly.
No 17 year old in my family would have been allowed to get away with no saying hello to people using one word sentences to demand things.
Allowing teens to think that this is an ok way to behave really doesn't do them any favours when they are adults.

Op, is the 17 year old there all the time?

Nothing that you've described says ASD it does however speak of a teen who's been poorly raised why isn't his father dealing with his behaviour

I agree with this, I have a DS who is 19 with asd and he's very polite and considerate. He does prefer a lot of time to himself, but he is able to communicate well. We've worked on social skills a lot over the years. ASD or not, his father needs to sit with him and speak about behaviour expectations in the home.

He sounds like a bit of rude teenager but nothing overly terrible. there should be an expecting of greeting when he comes in the house. And not be rude when spoken to.

however walking to gym and making night sandwiches are both fine and not bad behaviour ? If he’s growing and also working out his appetite will still be going late into the evening.

I don’t think there’s much to signify ASD and usually teenagers come out of the rude phase in a couple of years.

i can see if the rudeness is getting lumped in with complaints about his having a late sandwich or walking to gym how his dad can see this as you constantly getting onto him and asking his dad to change his personality

explain to him AND Dh that there is an expectation of manners and common courtesy as with any person sharing a home and drop the rest. It’s fine if he likes his own company or quiet and doesn’t enjoy small talk.

walking to gym and making night sandwiches are both fine and not bad behaviour

I agree with this. I don't really understand why you'd have an issue with this unless he's not cleaning up after his sandwich making or doing it really loudly at night?

Me teens will make food in the evenings, neither are rude. One with ADHD and one NT, really hate poor parenting being referred to as ASD etc.

many typical autistic symptoms such as preferring time to himself, not communicating (hardly ever says please or thank you) and a dislike of small-talk, strange behaviour

You really don't seem to know much about Autism.

I'd take your DP's advice, tbh.

I’m genuinely confused how making yourself food at night is rude or “autistic.” Polite and/or neurotypical people only experience hunger during set hours? Have you ever heard of biorhythms? Some people are night owls, others aren’t. Maybe he was hungry from the gym or didn’t have time for dinner that day. As long as he’s not leaving huge messes or purposely eating up tomorrow’s roast, why do you feel the need to control when he eats? And, making yourself a healthy sandwich is better than the lower-energy more common teen choice of just opening a pack of crisps!

Sounds like a standard 17 year old.

I'm not saying the rudeness is acceptable, but could something else be going on?
My DS could sometimes not talk to my ex Dp and his son - it was because he felt resentment towards them for various things over rhe years. He was perfectly fine when out of the house with others. He became inward when around them.

Yeah OP you sound a bit bonkers tbh, unless there's more than you’ve put here! The ignoring/not responding is rude and a battle worth picking, basic interaction is a fair expectation, but everything else literally just sounds like a standard teenager. Is your 6yo your first DC? Cos when he’s a grunty uncommunicative teenager that wants to eat all day and all night I bet you’ll see it differently 😅

Cheers

And you do?

Hi OP,

What has changed recently that's made things hard for you?

The cooking food seems normal, headphones while wandering around sound normal. Rudeness and not acknowledging you = not ok. If you've lived together 7 years is this something you can raise with your SS?

The lack of sentences can surely be brought up in a lighthearted but meaningful way? Is he like that with everyone? Is there a chance he doesn't acknowledge you as he doesn't hear you with the headphones on? If he's been ok through ages 14 - 17 it seems unusual for him to suddenly change now. Has he been through a break up / school troubles or anything like that recently?