It's the weekend with DP's kids..

[gardenisblooming]

I don't want to go into the back story, or make this about being a good, or a bad step parent. But this weekend is the weekend we have my DP's kids, and I really do struggle. I'm made to feel very uncomfortable and so I try to remove myself from the situation and keep myself to myself.

I have plans for the whole day tomorrow but nothing for today, and am just posting to see if anyone else is in the same position and send a virtual hug, in exchange for receiving one back please :)

The weather is awful, and I don't want to go in to town as I'm trying to save money, so I'm thinking about binge watching something on TV. Any suggestions please?

x

I am on the weekend sc is here too. Much younger than yours at 6.
But the disrespect has eaten me up today so I left the house at 1pm and took my kids out for a few hours. Came back and have stayed in my room.

Fellow stepmum and I feel your pain!

I totally disconnect myself on their visiting weekends. Im happy and smiley and have conversation at meal times etc but I’ve made it very clear to my partner than in order for me to keep my sanity and happiness I have to have “me” time on those weekends.

He is luckily very understanding and doesn’t make out I’m wrong for the way I feel. He understands how hard it must be to have involvement raising and living with a child that isn’t your own.

I make sure I make plans with friends, spa days, trips to town by myself etc and then when I’m at home I take baths, read, watch tv in my room.

My feelings entirely!

Why are adults in their 20s having set visits like small
kids? why is your DH allowing 'cook for us not her' comments?

Last time - I arranged a book date with my best pal. Snacks, cosy blankets & our books - she came over and we locked ourselves away! Excellent

Hey guys, any suggestions on anything to watch on Netflix. OH is going out with the kids and I really just wanna spend the day doing something I like to do. Only down side is I feel like I’ve watched everything on there. Suggestions pleaseeee. I like medical dramas ect

@RM2013 @Snapncrackle thank you :)

@LittleRedRidingHoody they are DELICIOUS. They are frozen, and don't take long to soften just enough to eat! Highly recommend!

@2025letsmakeitthebest I hope it gets better for you. We could meet up as our weekends are aligned ;)

@DaisyChain505 sounds similar, I find mealtimes hard tbh, their table manners are terrible, and the way they all speak to each other I find hard. Sometimes I have a very late breakfast, so that I genuinely am not hungry at lunchtime, and eat an hour or so after them! Or I try to meet friends at that time.

@beachcitygirl sounds perfect!!

Well, I got through yesterday. I did find it hard, but I watched 4 episodes of The Perfect Couple and really enjoyed. I made some healthy egg muffins to freeze, and I ate healthily all day (apart from a few teeny chocolate strawberries). I pampered myself a bit too. Thank you all for the support.

I feel like if we are all not far apart, we could have a meet up on EOW! (We don't have to announce our usernames in person, to keep anonymity!), and we could all keep each other company and offer solidarity :)

OP, I think you sound lovely 😁
That's all I wanted to say really 😂

I was a stepmum for 20 years and totally feel you. I was exactly the same and I think most stepmums feel that way too.
If you haven't got, or been in, a blended family you can't understand that feeling.

Have a lovely Sunday x

@gardenisblooming I'm probably miles away from you lol but if you ever want to chat on those weekends you're welcome to message me xx

That is just such a lovely message, thank you. It has made me smile :) x

I will DEFINITELY take you up on that, thank you! xx

I sympathise, sounds like they're not gaining independence and getting a life of their own. Obviously they still want to see their dad but maintaining a set schedule as adults is just madness. My youngest SS is nearly 18, still comes a couple of nights a week which is fine but once he goes off to uni we'll be breaking that cycle. I also don't feel totally at home when he's here. He tends to want to talk to his dad without me around so I have to make myself scarce. My gym membership is worth its weight in gold for these times.

Hi @gardenisblooming , I've only just seen this post and have been reading through all the comments. Firstly I really hope you've managed to enjoy your weekend, albeit all the time you've clearly spent on here 🤣.

Your initial post and all of the responses have brought up so many emotions for me as I have experienced very similar circumstances. I have been with my partner for 12 years and have none of my own children but his two teenagers lived full time with us when their mum made the decision to move towns to be with the man she split the marriage up for 11 years ago. Both children have unresolved issues (as one would expect from barely having contact with their mum after she moved) and have been so difficult to live with. The daughter moved away a few years ago but the son stayed with us until September when he bought his own house at the age of 24.

I so feel all of your emotions. My partner and I constantly used to fall out over their behaviour. And, like you, I feel my partner has allowed them to be disrespectful, lazy, unthoughtful etc through fear of not wanting to cause them more upset or rock the boat. We too have had couples counselling and were fortunate enough to meet a wonderful therapist who has helped us enormously. I totally get the 'if I knew then' scenario, but by then you're too invested. And I love my partner very much and we generally get along so well and have much in common and a good life together.

But we have almost split up so many times over his son's behaviour. It's the one big issue that we have. My partner has done so much for him but his son is so ungrateful, failing to even get him anything for fathers day after his dad helped him get a new job and purchase his house. I would have loved to have done as you are, doing my own thing, as it would have made many times so much more bearable, but my partner wouldn't be happy with that and would suggest it's because I don't like his son. Even though I would say he makes absolutely no effort to speak to me etc and this is him as an adult. It's like my partner always used the excuse that he's a child, but the child grew up and , surprise surprise, the way he's been given no boundaries or guidance means he's still as immature now that he's an adult.

Anyway ,sorry for the huge rant🙈🤣. I just wanted to say I hear you and I feel you and I genuinely hope you enjoyed your me time. Ignore the negativity - nobody can ever understand your relationship from the outside, but I wish you all the best and really hope you can find your peace, much love ❤️

Just catching up, I feel the same OP. Every other weekend. They're not bad kids but I feel like a spare part. We also have a shared DC but because of SC activities, I end up being default parent. Never gets easier.

Where are the meet ups and support for step mums? it's always woe the child and poor first wife on MN, it's incredibly hard to be made the bad guy when you've not done one single thing wrong.

100% this.
I am struggling so much in my step mum role. To the extent that I broke down this weekend and am still feeling very fragile. I feel like I can't talk about it as we are expected to be the adult and not struggle!

@2025letsmakeitthebest
Talk here, I've commented here how my DP has been treated and in turn me.

I've had a lot of criticism on this forum for my struggles so I've learnt to keep quiet.

@2025letsmakeitthebest @SnoopysHoose @gardenisblooming @Tidalwavenorth @CandiedPrincess @comfyslippets @beachcitygirl

@OnlyMabelInTheBuilding @RM2013 @Pinkflowerpower @May09Bump @Fantina @Peanutssuck

My heart is breaking a little at all you wonderful women feeling or having felt uncomfortable in your own homes. I have been one so I get how awful it feels!

It's a lot easier to focus on what you can control so I love all the suggestions for what you're doing so you can enjoy your weekends. If you're out walking or pottering at home then grab your headphones and have a listen to the Stepmum Space podcast - it might make you feel less alone in your situation.

@gardenisblooming I made these for the first time and they're very decent for a gooey snack. chocolate protein brownies add some Alpro barista coconut for low cal sweetening if you have a sweet tooth!

If you enjoyed the Perfect Couple then you might like the Harlan Coben series' or We enjoyed 'no good deed' recently.

Sending love and solidarity to you all!!💐

OP, I really commend you for your down tools attitude and leaving these children, their mess, food and shopping to their parent.

Funny how many men push back hard when women want to do this.

I think you have come up with a solution that works for now, but be very careful.

It is EOW for now.
But as they get older, perhaps have children, you could find that with a parent that does so much for them they might want to be with you a lot more with their own children.

My friend found herself in that position last year.
Her partners daughter that didn't like her and was barely polite, decided that her father and their home would be a perfect weekend creche for her new child because her own mother wasn't very maternal.

My friends partner wanted her to be there to help him.
My friend had zero interest and took to going out 5 minutes after the daughter arrived to drop off the baby for 5 hours.

She had a few very very terse conversations with him that spelt out that she was not free weekend childcare for someone who struggled with anything beyond being cool politeness.

That she would be filling her weekend with single activities with her family and friends. She said that if she felt driven out of her home by this, he had two choices, spend his time at his daughters house childminding HIS grandchild, or they she could give her tenants notice on her house that she has.

His daughter didn't want her father in her own house, she wanted down time at home alone while her father did childcare at his.
He thought my friend was being very unreasonable to not want to share this with him.
It took two Saturdays for him to think it was too much.
My friend went to stay the night on both occasions with a single friend of hers.

Her partner was then asked for a 2 night with the baby at his daughter's house.
My friend told him to crack on.

It nearly broke him.🙄
The situation now is that he told his daughter it is too much for him and that actually considering how little she likes my friend she can't be surprised that she thinks it is a huge ask.

He thinks it is a huge ask of him too and that he wants to be a grandad that plays for a short visit, but childcare for hours is too much for him.

His daughter is very pissed off with him but that is not something my friend feels any sympathy for and is not interested in listening to him go on about it.

Particularly galling for his daughter apparently is that my friend loves her god childs little son and occasionally gives her god daughter a night away by staying and minding him.
Unbelievable!

If only his daughter had been open to being pleasant.
My friend never had any interest in being anything other than a friend to her, certainly not a step mother....she's nearly 60.
Her parents have been divorced many years and her father was single for a couple of years and she was used to it until he met my friend 4 years ago.

They are only living together 18 months, very shortly before his daughter got pregnant.

My friend is thinking that living alone is preferable and best see him when it suits them both and they are free
He can do grandad in his house on his own time.

She has quietly told her tenants that she will not be renewing the lease and just has to have the conversation with him.

She is so grateful she has her own home to return to. She is unsure the relationship will survive this, but isn't prepared for ongoing drama.

I had a step daughter that used to come most weekends once she was married. She brought her husband with her and they stayed all weekend! Never once offered to bring anything or cook anything or change a bed. I was told by my DP that he didn't want to say no and upset her. He could have said yes and put some boundaries in though!

A few years later my adult son wanted to come home for a few months, (ended up being a year), he paid a generous amount of keep, helped around the house and bought and cooked the majority of his food.

DP was constantly telling me DS was "taking the piss" out of him by not trying harder to move out. In the end he made his life such a misery, my son moved out and I quickly followed.

DP always has the argument that the situations were "different".

I have many, many more examples of these kind of double standards. It wasn't a one off.

@gardenisblooming
Is it your weekend with the kids again?
I'm planning on taking my children out this weekend to get some space!

“I'm made to feel very uncomfortable”

How so?

@HebburnPokemon RTFT