It's the weekend with DP's kids..

[gardenisblooming]

I don't want to go into the back story, or make this about being a good, or a bad step parent. But this weekend is the weekend we have my DP's kids, and I really do struggle. I'm made to feel very uncomfortable and so I try to remove myself from the situation and keep myself to myself.

I have plans for the whole day tomorrow but nothing for today, and am just posting to see if anyone else is in the same position and send a virtual hug, in exchange for receiving one back please :)

The weather is awful, and I don't want to go in to town as I'm trying to save money, so I'm thinking about binge watching something on TV. Any suggestions please?

x

@Peanutssuck I'm so sorry to hear that 💐

They are in their 20s and spend every other weekend with their dad? That’s quite odd imo. And they can’t stretch to being civilised to their stepmum? Sorry but that’s absolutely shocking behaviour on their part. You shouldn’t have to hide away or be out of your own house every other weekend. Once you’re an adult I see it as being a guest in your parents’ home - it’s not yours, you are there because they let you be there. I wouldn’t behave like a twat in my mums house and childishly strop that it’s my house too. I would also accept that it’s got fuck all to do with me if she wants someone else living there with her and that I need to act with decency to that person or I’m not welcome round there.

You are very passive about this op.

It's your house too!!

And every other weekend it's full of people you don't want there.

Put your foot down!

He can sometimes go to theirs, they can all go away somewhere.

This simply isn't fair.

No it never got better. Since it was my house, I decided to ban the SKs from my house.

If it had been a house that we had purchased together, it would have been different, but as it was my house long before DH and the SKs came along, I eventually decided that until they could treat me with at least a little respect, they weren’t welcome here.

It’s now been 3 years and I haven’t seen them since. It’s been a lovely 3 years of no contact with them to be honest.

If there are no health reasons to limit you being active I suggest going out and exercise. It could be a gym.
I had to spend a lot of time by myself at weekends, I caught buses to other towns and walked around exploring. London walking was very educating for a non Londoner. Follow a Dickens trail. Or famous streets. I remember finding Hatton Garden and adjacent streets. It stops one from brooding or feeling resentful.

Good. It’s shocking how some fully grown adults think they are allowed to treat other people.

@gardenisblooming and why cant he go out with them?? surely they arent staying the night? are you meant to cook for them? i would be using my house myself and if they dont like it, sorry

I still haven't even switched on the TV, I've been so busy wasting time on here. I'm just going to respond to you lovey lot and then I really am going to find something good to watch!

@arethereanyleftatall yes, I agree with you totally. In fact, I did insist that he went away with them in between Christmas and New Year. I said I am not having it for a whole week, and they are only welcome for 3 nights, so I do put my foot down too and try to hold my space and boundaries.

I really try to take the attitude that the way he panders to them, etc etc, and the way they behave, is actually not my problem. It is their problem, and will cause all sorts of problems further down the line with relationships, and work, etc etc. So hence I like to remove myself rather than just carry on as normal and have to hear it all. I've tried lots of diff tactics, and at the moment, this is what works best for me.

@Bookaholic73 we're in a house that we purchased together. I have come very close to buying my own house, and pulling my interest out of this, and we discussed at great length, and with an excellent counsellor, but I have decided to stay put. (But I can't pretend not to be envious of you!!)...

One more NY resolution I have is that I have made my bed and must now lie in it, (for now), and I really need to try to accept my situation and stop moaning about it, but one teeny little thread here, just today, is ok I hope ;)

@mollymile what a cute name! Thank you, I am usually very active, and today is actually my rest day. Also the weather makes me want to stay home. I took a quick walk to the post office with my Vinted sold items, but am now under the blanket. I'm definitely going to do some exploring and walking when the weather picks up, on these weekends.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld well, actually, when we first moved in together, (4 years ago), they made it very clear that they wanted their Dad to cook for them and NOT me. I was v offended & hurt, but now I actually love it. I don't lift a finger in the kitchen for them, and I leave it all to him, every bit, even the shopping for the food they will eat. I don't help with any of it, and I suit myself with my meals whilst they are here. May sound strange, but at least that bit works for me! Yes, they sleep here Fri & Sat EOW, and I take no responsibility for anything, eg washing their sheets or towels etc. DP does all of that. It isn't because I'm horrid, but is because tbh at their age in my opinion they ought to strip their own beds etc themselves, when needed, but he doesn't ask them to, so I'm not doing it. He can do it...

Am trying really hard to let this all be his stuff... he is raising these adults, and he is shaping them, and he is giving them certain role models and expectations. I am very clear on that this is all on him, and therefore I opt out. This is not my monkeys and not my circus (or whatever the expression is), and I deserve the right to enjoy my weekends, and therefore remove myself from the circus.

I am worth more than being tangled up in it and disrespected.

(Aren't I?... I do keep telling myself this..)

Hope you're all having a lovely Saturday :)

If they are adults then it's even more ridiculous, they and you need to get to a point where you aren't hiding from them and they need to be much nicer! I have adult stepkids and it's so different

I notice the OP is choosing to not respond to the multiple people asking why adults in their 20s are staying over at their dad's alternate weekends.

Perhaps it's disability related, and their mental ages are much different?

Sorry OP but I think it's batshit that you are putting up with this every other weekend. I get the logic of opting out and making this his issue to deal with, but I would not be making myself scarce in my own house - I'd tell dh they could stay one weekend in the month and he will need to go to theirs on the other weekend. And when they do stay, the attitude stops or they won't be welcome.
Your Dh is doing them no favours by indulging this.

I read with interest all your replies OP it has made me stop and think and well feel bad and reopen old wounds.

my DF remarried 2 years after my DM passed away, I was upset but tried to be nice to her as did my brothers. She wasn’t an easy person but DF must have seen something in her, and they seemed happy enough.

i was 28 so older than your SK’S but still young enough to act like a brat. I know my 3 younger brothers were horrible to her, they lived with them and made her life difficult I’m older with adult children myself and can see that now.

in hindsight I wish we had tried harder, her as well as us. She did the same as you , a couple of years after marrying she would vanish to another room when we visited, she would never come to ours and we never forced the issue. When my DF passed it was terrible, the relationship between us all had completely broken down, she didn’t even tell us he had died until my DB phoned in the morning to see how he was to be told my a nurse he had died at 11.30 the night before.

I think what I’m trying to say is, they are older now and maybe nit so brats, maybe very carefully test the water, just spend a little time with them

On rainy days where I can't be bothered going out - I do my most boring jobs, organising, decluttering, DIY, etc. If it turns out brighter but not lovely walk weather I do gardening boring tasks.

I would do above - keeps your mind focused on the task not the situation and also productive / helps make your home nicer x

Yes partner comes with children! Yes children were here first . Yes I was aware partner had children!
Did I realize how hard it would be ? No

I don’t not get along with step children at all but I won’t lie I find anxiety creeping in before their day . If I was totally honest I would prefer they didn’t come but it would kill DH if they didn’t so I know that it’s better they do come for him!
I put on my biggest smile and try to be really welcoming! 15 and 17. I think they are tropical teenagers but it grates that they are so very teenager ! Nothing is right, everything is wrong, they know everything! But that’s being a teenager. I find myself feeling like a guest in my own home and secretly screaming inside . I know that’s awful but it’s true. I try hard to be warm and make an effort and always choose nice gifts and listen to their stories and engage and also encourage partner to have alone time with them!
My Partner likes us all together so can’t often escape ! I jam sometime late home from work !!!!!!
Sometimes I have a glass of wine to relax when it gets too much.
you have my deepest sympathies!

Exactly.
I would never.

I'm hesitant to comment as I have no experience of being in a blended family but I am perplexed by this arrangement. How into their 20s are the DC. What stage of life are they at (Uni, working etc)? Do they have any SEND or similar?
The last thing I routinely wanted to do from mid teens onwards was to socialise with my parents on a Friday and Saturday night. I realise it will be different if you don't live 24/7 with your parents but, unless their are any SEND or similar, surely it is time to mix things up a bit. Couldn't their Dad see them at some other time in the week/weekend so that their Friday and Saturday nights can be spent with friends? Doesn't he want to see them - and don't they want to see him - more frequently and less intensely?
Whilst I really admire your approach here, I also think it's ridiculous that you are having to absent yourself from your home every other weekend. If you do stick with this regime, could it be changed so that your DP and the DC go out every Saturday afternoon or Sunday lunch or something so you have one day when you can be at home? What happens if you want to invite friends over when his DC are visiting?
Having said all of that, I do hope you have a lovely, relaxing afternoon. I am another one who is about to chop up some fruit and put it on a nice plate in an effort to convince myself it really is a treat when all I want to do is eat ALL the carbs and sugar (a little to much alcohol last night and not enough sleep)

@gardenisblooming shocked to hear that grown adults come to stay at dads eow!!!! like they are 7 years old or something! whose house is it anyway?? they sound really ignorant and bad mannered and why doesnt your husband cook for your too?? are you not even allowed a place at the dining table

Sympathies, OP - I am out of this stage now, thankfully, but remember it well. Coffee shops with a book and a cake, a long, long walk with the dog, nail salon. The red carpet got rolled out at our house too.

I don’t think I could have stuck it out if they were still coming EOW into their twenties.

I'm sorry this has turned into a post that is making me feel I'm being judged for how I'm handling this. I really just wanted some lighthearted camaraderie. I'll respond to your posts, especially the questions, and then I'm going to carry on with 'The Perfect Couple' which seems good so far, thank you @girlsyearapart

@mitogoshigg I'm very much hoping for that, and that it will improve as they get older.

@heyhopotato No MH or disability issues. I hadn't meant to not respond, there is no reason, it is just that they have stayed stuck in the routine, and they keep going. Their parents divorced over 11 years ago, yet very sadly, they still have a lot of unresolved tangled up guilt and emotions, and personally I think they feel guilt to support and still see their Dad, and spend quality time. It also is (I think) a little manipulative, to assert their authority and stamp on their territory.

@HopingForTheBest25 absolutely he is doing them no favours. That's not my problem.

@Floranan I'm sorry for your situation, and thank you for your post. I do try to chat and make conversation, and in the past I have taken them shopping, or for lunches etc. atm it isn't working, but I really am open and hoping for change as they mature.

I think that they have been hit quite badly by the social and mental effects of Covid, and it stunted their maturity a bit, so although early 20s, I hope they will grow up and have their own relationships, and things will mature all round.

@May09Bump ooh, decluttering and organising are my favourite things to do - in fact, I do them so often, there is nothing left to declutter. Let me come and do yours please?!

@Pinkflowerpower thank you . I raise a glass to you xx. I hope you are having a lovely day today.

@toomuchcheesetoomuchchocolate agreed. at that age, I wouldn't have stayed home with my parents if you paid me!! in my opinion, they have some very dysfunctional relationships going on, but, like I say, not my circus.

But, above all, I want to please stress that my DP and I are a very strong unit, and have had a lot of couples therapy about this, and how to handle it, and this is what works for us atm, and we work hard at being a team. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and had I had the benefit of, I would not be here. I would not have moved in. But I can't turn back the clock. But our relationship is a very open, trusting, wonderful, honest one, and I don't want to walk away. Nothing is perfect, and we are compromising. the situation with his kids changes, will change as they mature, and it goes through different phases. I don't really want to go into it further here, because that wasn't what my post was about, I just wanted lighthearted support please, and now I'm sitting in the den, under a blanket, with my favourite jumper on, and some chocolate covered strawberries, and enjoying Netflix :) Happy Days.

Any other ideas for main character energy are always received gratefully :))

She has responded - their dad likes it

OP sending you a hug. I’ve been a step parent for over 20 years and can relate to the feeling of anxiety before visits and not feeling completely comfortable In your own home.
SC grown up now and has own house/family. visits but obviously no longer stays over. I used to have a shopping trip out with my mum or a friend so that DH and SC got some 1:1 time together.
Id read a book or binge watch. Someone else suggested silo which has been fab, I also recently watched the series about lockerbie and we’ve recently watched missing you - can’t remember what channel
it was on but well recommended
hope you’re having a chilled day

well, actually, when we first moved in together, (4 years ago), they made it very clear that they wanted their Dad to cook for them and NOT me.

WTF? What did your dh say to that??

have you got Disney
if so watch Rivals it’s just the right length to binge on and it’s true to the book

just pay - watch ( you get a month free - and then cancel)

How's it going @gardenisblooming ? Chocolate covered strawberries sound lush!

I'm at this point I've said if things don't change sc won't be welcome here.