In need of advice, my partner and I are expecting a baby, my teenage step daughter hasn’t taken it well

[Blossom204]

I unfortunately made the mistake of posting this originally in AIBU thread.

I just need some advice from parents/step parents or just anybody that has experience with blended families.

I will cut a long story short, my partner and I are expecting child. His daughter (13y) understandably has not taken it very well. It has been a little up and down over the last few months. She stays with us EOW, however female intuition paired with her changed behaviour/attention seeking (which again is understandable) leads me to believe she still is finding this hard to come to terms with. My partner lives in rose tinted glasses and maybe a bit of guilt/personal denial so believes everything’s okay. She has also told her dad now everything is okay on many occasions.

My partner has a good co-parenting set up with her mother and there is no bad blood between me and my SD mum. If we are ever REALLY worried we will will always ask her and if we get the normal “I’m fine” but it’s clear she is not, my partner will drop her mum a message just to get a bit of help/make sure she’s speaking to someone.

When she first found out about the pregnancy her mum advised that she comes and speaks to me about her worries and any emotions she may be feeling, which she did and we sat and cried and hugged and openly spoke about. She is worried she will be replaced and forgotten about, which is a HUGE worry to her but absolutely not what we would want on our end.

Her behaviour over the weeks towards me has deteriorated but we have always had a good relationship. I understand she’s emotional and upset and going through a heap of changes. I just want to try what I can to turn things around but I’m also very conscious of not trying to get too much from her. My partner deals with any behavioural conversations when she’s been really disrespectful and rude but I hate that it’s now like this and I am worried it will get worse as time goes on, baby arrives.

Buried in with the masses of SM hate my other thread has, I have also had some wonderful suggestions/a reality check where needed. I am under no illusion this is going to be easy work. But it’s hard when my partner is so adamant everything is okay when it’s clearly not and I get the brunt of the disrespect/rudeness. This weekend I was completely ignored every time.

My question is, do you think it would be a silly idea for me to message her this week (before she comes up this weekend), just to ask how she’s doing, explain that I have been cautious to talk about the baby around her as I am conscious of her feelings and let her know she is very much included and always will be. I want us to be on eachother side as much as possible but I’m undecided if it will be taken the wrong way. My other thought was to maybe message her mum first to see what she thinks about me messaging her… I also don’t want her mum to feel awkward either but I feel like whatever I do will most likely not be the right thing.

The responses you don't like, are from the people who have indeed experienced similar, just not from your perspective, but rather the step daughter.

I just feel sorry for children who aren’t prioritised. These sorts of things can make children feel insecure, which your SD feels, and can impact their whole life. Lots of people will have experienced that or seen the consequences of it.

I think when you and her dad haven’t prioritised the child, you’re going to get some negativity. Now you’re all ears on what can be done, it’s a shame you didn’t put this much effort in before.

You can’t speed up the building of a relationship, it takes time. Now that you’re in the situation, there isn’t much you can do other than try to keep building a relationship when you see her EOW, but it’s far from ideal. It’s damage limitation now. The family unit should have been properly established before bringing a new baby into it,

@arethereanyleftatall again you have said that I “don’t like”. I’ve not once shut you down, I have asked to understand more and get advice that I can use going forward? But so far you’ve have only offered criticism… my sister in law is a step daughter that has had a very rough time with blended families growing up, I also ask her for advice and she provides help that can tackle the future.
I am happy for you to have your opinion, we are all born on this planet entitled to one, but the message I’m trying to get across is that criticising the past something that’s already been written and can’t be erased is not helpful on this thread. If you have been following both threads which I believe you have, somebody suggested increasing the time she spends with us. Which I said is a good idea especially with how she is feeling but the response was then “how dare he take that time off her mother”. I’m very aware that me, he, we cannot win or please everybody's idea of ‘how it should he done’ so I have asked for ideas for us going forward that we can affect and we can try out.

@PlayedOurFavouriteSong
Thank you for sharing, I will take on board your advice!

What is the point of posts that just say 'poor child' or 'you shouldn't have got pregnant'? Designed for no other reason than to stick the boot in.

OP, you sound like a good and thoughtful stepmum. I think it would be really nice for you to message some reassurance to your SD. After all, stepmums are expected to treat SC as their own in some respects. You would have been criticised for ignoring her feelings too. In fact, you would have been criticised no matter what.

Your DC has as much right to be on this earth as your SD, and is just as worthy of consideration. A lot of posters on MN forget that about DC that aren't borne by the 'first wives'. Don't let the catty comments ruin the excitement of your pregnancy and baby.

Just a brief update and again please be kind.

I have raised my concerns to my partner surrounding SDs happiness and what our current time together looks like. I’ve suggested I take a step back to allow more 1-1 time between them both (he previously has expressed he is keen for me to be involved when she is staying with us, so I have tried my best to be involved and make sure we also bond). I have explained our weekends in general need reassessing as we need to have us time too on the alternative weekends or if he has plans on his child free weekends we make some time in the week. So her time with us is centred around their 1-1 time together/her seeing her paternal family. Explain to the all family involved to be more conscious about what and how much baby is discussed while she is here. As well
as encouraging IL to actively spend more time with her (as per comment in my previous post) so she feels like she effort is being made by them as well.
I’ve held off on the messaging for now and will see how things go. I’m sure it will upset many but I still stand by my stand that we all give eachother basic respect and call out what it’s not being followed and we plan to keep this rule in place - but to recognise that some behaviours may be coming from a place of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed and extend grace when needed.

I have also held my hands up and said I need to understand her upset and behaviour is stemming from the change and I need to take it less personally. Keep being normal and reassuring. As well as try to make her feel more included rather than tip toe around the subject.

I have given him some space to think so that we can discuss later but I’m worried as his first and only response so far has been regarding me making my SD feel more included to build relationships and not really addressing anything else. I’m going to hope it is because he is taking a bit more time to ponder the rest (hoping for my own sanity).

I am very lucky that my childhood was in a stable household but on the flip side sometimes it is harder to put yourself in another persons shoes when you haven’t been there yourself. I was also very strong willed and a little shite at times so know first hand how teenage girls can be. We don’t all get everything right - sometimes we have to learn from our mistakes to improve.

Thank you for those who have taken the time to give advice/help.

xx

You have had some batshit responses on this and your other thread. You sound very caring and understanding of the situation your SD finds herself in.I do hope your DP takes your concerns and suggestions on board. He doesn't seem to get it does he.
I do agree with you about basic respect though. I told my SD many years ago that she didn't have to like me but I expected us to be polite to one another. We get on OK now but it's been a long difficult road.
She said to me recently that we haven't always got on but we shared something important, love for her father. We had a tearful little hug.
You'll get there too x
Congratulations on the baby

How about finding something g you and her could do monthly on an ongoing basis even after baby birth so she realises without you saying that you'll still spend time with her - I'm thinking manicure/pedicure or afternoon tea etc

Sorry just seen your update and totally agree your husband needs to spend time with her,

I was coming from the viewpoint that she is obviously close to you so maybe also need reassurance you'll still be available for girly chats

You did the right thing by not texting her imho. You rather than dad texting her highlights his lack of care and he is the one that she wants to be close to.

If your partner had gone to court when his ex was considering moving then he would have been able to prevent his dd moving so far away. Courts would have supported his right to see his dd regularly up to 50% of the time.

I know that you were defensive over the fact that your h doesn’t see his dd much but you’ll be hitting 26 overnights (52 weeks a year ) in less than a month when you baby is born. I’m divorced with children who saw their dad EOW and trust me, it’s not a lot and difficult to be close. You are the target of her behaviour because she’s already insecure about her relationship with her dad so there’s no way that she’ll talk to him honestly. People are biologically programmed to want love from their parents - you see adults on here returning for more and more bad behaviour because they refuse to see the damage being done. I’m not saying that your partner is causing damage btw but your actions highlight his lack of action and she’s not unreasonable to be angry that it’s not coming from him. She’s simply not securely attacked to him enough to talk about things so you’re the next best thing.

My half sisters were born when I was 13 and then 15. It made me feel as if I was no longer wanted especially as my stepfather didn't like me and I never met my own father.
It was a sad and lonely time. I remember starting self harming at that time.
It's a big change for someone who is struggling with becoming an adult and making their way through puberty.
My parents answer to this was to send me to boarding school and that was the last time I lived at home.
However I have always loved my sisters and now we are all adults we are very close.
Just make sure she is involved and loved. That's all she will need.

@Blossom204 your SD has only known you a year and is now having to deal with the fact she will be sister to a child who will get to live with and see her dad every day, while she won't.
That is a huge life change to ask of a 13 year old. I can only assume you didn't mean to get pregnant this early in the relationship

I would like to offer advice. I have a younger half-sister, but I don’t consider myself to be speaking from the step child point of view in the situation. I was very young when my half sister was born. I’m speaking more from the perspective of a parent of a teenage girl, and what I’ve seen with friends and neighbors.

Well intentioned people seem to think that one solution is to “involve DSD in all the preparations about the baby! Let her be involved in decorating, decorate her room to match the babies’, get her a T-shirt saying big sister, etc.” I would be a bit careful here. You’re basically telling her over and over again that she has a changed family role, now centered around your child. If you are very honest with yourself, you might find that you really want DSD to focus on your baby, to put the baby front and center. That’s not unnatural. Because yes, of course, every child and expectant mum deserve to be welcomed and fussed over equally.

Involve her in the preparations as much as she wishes, yes, but don’t build your weekends with her around preparing for the new baby thinking that a lot of this will somehow make her feel included. What she probably really needs to know right now to be reassured is that most aspects of her life with her father will not be sidelined or disrupted, pushed aside for a trip to the store to select a changing table and baby toys. Make sure there is lots of time when she’s with you, that you aren’t focusing on the baby, and you’re focusing on her and are doing things exactly the same as before.

I have very lovely neighbors who have a step family. The daughter was 13 when they had a surprise pregnancy, and she was going to become big half sister to a new little girl. At first I could see in her face the anger and uncertainty. But her mother and stepfather were incredible. They didn’t decrease the amount of care they focused on the 13-year-old girl. They went to her events and continued their interactions with the things that were important to her exactly as before, and made every effort to show her that she would not be sidelined or her important teen years (friends coming over, etc) gotten through alone while mom and dad were preoccupied with her potential replacement. This meant that often times the parents had to split, with one parent focusing on her things and the other parent on the baby, and switching around. But they made a very visible effort to not make the 13-year-old’s life focus around the new baby.

I have so much respect for that family. They all seem very happy, and the 13-year-old (older now) has decided to hyphenate her name to include her stepfather’s. He seems to be a phenomenal and sensitive dad/stepdad and earned it.

@TryingToBeLogical thank you so much for taking the time to help and give advice from your perspective.

I can completely understand the different points of view but I have been swaying more to your way of thinking and this has been my biggest worry. I did a lot of reading up on how children can take new baby news with such a big age gap and being a teenager and having hormones and friendship squabbles is enough on its own. And then people constantly talking about a baby that you don’t really want around (understandably) is going to build more resentments. We are definitely speaking to our families to be mindful of what is discussed and the volume around her. I have already banned any “you’ll be changing nappies” comments because I although said in jest I do not want her on think weekends with us she will end up “a baby sitter” for two frazzled parents, or will have to take on adult responsibilities or help out with a child she doesn’t even want to be here in the first place (which I would never ever let happen). Thank you we will definitely be doing what we can to keep everything as normal as possible and make sure she can see at least a bit of stability.

Seriously hats off to your neighbours they have done a wonderful job, does step daughter live with them? Ideally I’m hoping if we can get some more time with her more regularly going forward that will help and give us more time before the baby comes to do as much as we can to make sure she is comfortable and feels secure. After that I think the tag team is definitely a great way to give 1-1 time. I cannot express how nice it is to hear someone who’s managed to make it work but I agree it is going to take a lot of effort our end. Her step dad sounds wonderful!

Firstly Congratulations op!!

God op you got a battering.

I think though I echo previous posters - she's insecure but that's for dad to solve and reassure her. It's also n

Personal teens aren't often interested in babies half or otherwise. Often may take a selfie and that's about it tbh.

I'm glad you didn't message her in the end. I do think that's up to dad to deliver that message.

As you can see some of the batshittery has followed you from aibu butI really commend you how you have handled the comments on here and on the other thread. I imagine you have your responses have completely infuriated some who wanted to give you a good kicking.

It will be ok in the end.

What do people expect you to do when mentioning your pregnancy like undo ↩️ it right now ?

No, absolutely do NOT message her. That would be massively over-stepping and putting too much on a 13 year old.

Why does your partner barely see his daughter? And why would you want to have a baby with a man who has so little to do with his existing child?

Also I think sometimes we are too quick to judge or not allow negative emotions and see them as something people can control and shouldn’t have

but that isn’t the case - negative emotions are normal and it is how you and others respond to them which is key that her than saying she shouldn’t have them in the first place

Acknowledge them but also reassure they are unnecessary. 13 is an age for big emotions

@Tiswa thank you, I completely agree and I also think I’ve taken comments or behaviours personally, somebody made a comment on this thread regarding putting a perspective head on and I think that whole post couldn’t have been said better.

I’m learning guys, none of the advice given has fallen at deaf ears.

update:
my partner agrees with everything we’ve discussed as per previous update so are taking a different approach to what our weekends look like and ensuring they have 1-1 time and continue with the reassuring and have opened the offer to SD coming up more often if she would like and if her mother is okay with that.
he reached out to her mother also to check everything is okay and to raise any concerns so he/we can help
to our surprise she is in fact very excited about the little one and any worries that were initially raised are no longer there. She enjoys my company and likes having me around.
As already said we are trying to work on more time with our in-laws so that she feels secure in that dynamic too.
The bedroom decorating will definitely be on the cards.

I will say reaching out got a lot more clarity for us both and in terms of baby wise and my approach to our relationship and that I can tone down the worrying. Is it going to take constant work from us absolutely and we have no problem doing this. Although there is a large age gap I’d love them to have a great bond but also understand that it may not happen and that’s absolutely fine so long as everyone feels equally loved and supported.

hopefully we can create a positive blended environment for everyone

thanks again all xx

@LuckyGuide by the looks of it thankfully someone saw the comments before I did