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Step-parenting

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Original poster

In need of advice, my partner and I are expecting a baby, my teenage step daughter hasn’t taken it well

72 replies

Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 17:40

I unfortunately made the mistake of posting this originally in AIBU thread.

I just need some advice from parents/step parents or just anybody that has experience with blended families.

I will cut a long story short, my partner and I are expecting child. His daughter (13y) understandably has not taken it very well. It has been a little up and down over the last few months. She stays with us EOW, however female intuition paired with her changed behaviour/attention seeking (which again is understandable) leads me to believe she still is finding this hard to come to terms with. My partner lives in rose tinted glasses and maybe a bit of guilt/personal denial so believes everything’s okay. She has also told her dad now everything is okay on many occasions.

My partner has a good co-parenting set up with her mother and there is no bad blood between me and my SD mum. If we are ever REALLY worried we will will always ask her and if we get the normal “I’m fine” but it’s clear she is not, my partner will drop her mum a message just to get a bit of help/make sure she’s speaking to someone.

When she first found out about the pregnancy her mum advised that she comes and speaks to me about her worries and any emotions she may be feeling, which she did and we sat and cried and hugged and openly spoke about. She is worried she will be replaced and forgotten about, which is a HUGE worry to her but absolutely not what we would want on our end.

Her behaviour over the weeks towards me has deteriorated but we have always had a good relationship. I understand she’s emotional and upset and going through a heap of changes. I just want to try what I can to turn things around but I’m also very conscious of not trying to get too much from her. My partner deals with any behavioural conversations when she’s been really disrespectful and rude but I hate that it’s now like this and I am worried it will get worse as time goes on, baby arrives.

Buried in with the masses of SM hate my other thread has, I have also had some wonderful suggestions/a reality check where needed. I am under no illusion this is going to be easy work. But it’s hard when my partner is so adamant everything is okay when it’s clearly not and I get the brunt of the disrespect/rudeness. This weekend I was completely ignored every time.

My question is, do you think it would be a silly idea for me to message her this week (before she comes up this weekend), just to ask how she’s doing, explain that I have been cautious to talk about the baby around her as I am conscious of her feelings and let her know she is very much included and always will be. I want us to be on eachother side as much as possible but I’m undecided if it will be taken the wrong way. My other thought was to maybe message her mum first to see what she thinks about me messaging her… I also don’t want her mum to feel awkward either but I feel like whatever I do will most likely not be the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 20:25

@arethereanyleftatall please do take that with a pinch of salt, as it’s never regimented. Sometimes it’s more if her mum has plans, there are also school holidays. She is welcome to come and stay whenever she wants (again big emphasis on the wants as she has friends and a social life) as long as it works around school etc.
He is kind and he is considerate but he is by no means perfect nobody is, if she lived and went to school closer to us this would be a completely different situation believe me.
There are reasons on both parents sides for the EOW agreement but I do try to stay out of this as it’s for them to agree and her mother is happy with how it works.

OP posts:
Teladi · 14/01/2025 20:27

BookGoblin · 14/01/2025 18:41

Why are you doing all the emotional heavy lifting here? Her dad needs to step up, reassure her and also increase his contact to more than EOW.

You sound lovely OP, don't let your partner off the hook here.

I was on the other thread and I really agree with this

Congratulations on your baby OP

Customs · 14/01/2025 20:30

Strangely there is a similar thread on AIBU with excellent advice, maybe it will help?

My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5252135-my-stepdaughter-is-happy-about-my-pregnancy-and-its-causing-friction-in-my-relationship

Original poster
Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 20:33

@arethereanyleftatall I agree having it put it into perspective it’s an impossible task.
It was her mother choice to move away but financially would not be possible. 80% of his job involve working down south, however the opportunities up north are far and few.
I may be shot down again for this, but I do think it is unfair that he would be expected to move based on a decision her mother made (which is a decision she is equally entitled to make). We have got to make it work in the situation we are currently in.

OP posts:
Pelot · 14/01/2025 20:34

I wouldn't message her. She's still just a kid. Can she come with you to pick out some things for the baby's room? Can you offer to redo her room at the same time so both siblings get new digs. Get her some cute 'big sis' pillows from the baby?

Original poster
Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 20:37

@PlayedOurFavouriteSong we have been together for 2 years and I have been in her life well over a year. We had intended on waiting until next year to have a baby but it happened a bit sooner than expected (not that it makes any difference)

OP posts:
Nevertoocoldforicecream · 14/01/2025 20:41

Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 20:33

@arethereanyleftatall I agree having it put it into perspective it’s an impossible task.
It was her mother choice to move away but financially would not be possible. 80% of his job involve working down south, however the opportunities up north are far and few.
I may be shot down again for this, but I do think it is unfair that he would be expected to move based on a decision her mother made (which is a decision she is equally entitled to make). We have got to make it work in the situation we are currently in.

The thing is being a good parent isn't about what is fair or easy. It's about doing what's best for your child. Your dp has chosen not to do that, which is unfortunate.

Original poster
Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 20:47

@Nevertoocoldforicecream I do agree with this, but there is also the argument that moving your child away from father and family is not necessarily in the child’s best interest. It’s easy to make such a decision as parents who are together, but there is the argument who is right and who is wrong when parents are separated. So I have understanding for both parents views as it’s not as simple as it may seem

OP posts:
PlayedOurFavouriteSong · 14/01/2025 20:47

Of course if makes a difference. She hardly sees her dad as it is, based on EOW. You’re basically a stranger if you have only been in her life for a year and only see her EOW. Your partner should have prioritised his daughter and made sure she knew you properly and felt comfortable as a family unit before complicating the situation further with another child.

Original poster
Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 20:50

@PlayedOurFavouriteSong I did explain in my previous post we’ve always had a great relationship, she’s always opened up to me and our little trio was working out just fine. I’ve always ensured that he has checked in with her that she’s happy and she’s comfortable. We’ve been on holiday together as a family and had a great time. I think this is a little harsh.

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 14/01/2025 20:52

PlayedOurFavouriteSong · 14/01/2025 20:47

Of course if makes a difference. She hardly sees her dad as it is, based on EOW. You’re basically a stranger if you have only been in her life for a year and only see her EOW. Your partner should have prioritised his daughter and made sure she knew you properly and felt comfortable as a family unit before complicating the situation further with another child.

This x1000. Poor girl is an afterthought to every adult in her life.

I would not get pregnant by a man who already has parenting responsibilities. His existing children should be his priority.

Pelot · 14/01/2025 20:53

Oh dear. A year is nothing. You will cringe at this someday when your own baby is here and older...

Original poster
Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 20:58

@Pelot I will not, as we are very much aware that we’ve found something fantastic in each other that we both want for life. Either of us are young and naive. There are lots of wonderful blended families that have so much love to give each other, is it going to be easy, absolutely not and we know this. I am sorry that you have such a narrow minded view about this x

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 14/01/2025 20:59

I think op, that when you've had your lovely baby, you will find it unthinkable that you would not see them for 12 days in a row twice a month. You would move heaven and earth. Especially at 3 (I think that's what you said) when they're super cute and haven't started being a pain in the arse yet.

I know you came on here for advice for you, and have instead been inundated with opinions on your partner you didn't solicit, but when you're a parent yourself, you'll get it, and will understand why everyone is not giving YOU advice, because it's all on him.

Original poster
Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 21:01

@BettyBardMacDonald all things considered, I think you have stumbled upon the wrong thread then…
If I am correct this topic is titled “step parents”

OP posts:
PlayedOurFavouriteSong · 14/01/2025 21:01

Even so, after only a year of mainly EOW, (of which I hope she has spent quite a bit of that with just her dad without you), you can’t know you well.

Original poster
Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 21:04

@PlayedOurFavouriteSong please may I ask, are you a step parents? I am curious to know

OP posts:
SereneFish · 14/01/2025 21:09

A year 😔

Poor child.

Original poster
Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 21:10

@arethereanyleftatall I do hear you loud and clear, I just feel this is turning into terrible dads. When he did not make the decision to move to a location so far away from his little girl.
But as I’ve had to say to so many before, I came to get helpful and useful advice from people who have experienced similar. Rather than receive condescending unhelpful responses from people who have never been in such a situation.
Thank you for your opinion though, we are all entitled to one!

OP posts:
ChimpiestoftheChimps · 14/01/2025 21:10

Another thing I'd say is - I have a 7yo and a baby, DH and I are married and 7yo is very secure in her attachment - and still we had several evenings when I was pregnant where she ended up sobbing and saying things like 'if you love the baby more than me I'm going to leave home' - she needed huge amounts of reassurance (despite being beyond excited about being a big sister). We had lots of just very brief chats about how much we loved her, often just dropping it into conversation when eating tea or walking to school or whatever. Basically constantly reiterating that she was loved, cared for and incredibly wanted, and the baby coming wasn't going to change that. But we tried to do it when we weren't talking about the baby so it didn't feel performative if you see what I mean? (as in, it wasn't just reactionary, we were proactively telling her she was loved).
It must be so hard to be 13, mum and dad not together or in the same town even, coping with dads new partner (no matter how lovely!) and then adding in a new baby who is going to live with dad full time, and coping with hormones/teenager life/school pressures and also probably being mortified that dad is having sex!
I think your partner needs to do some reading up about teens and some emotional heavy lifting!

Original poster
Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 21:14

@ChimpiestoftheChimps Thank you, I’m taking this all on board and will be sitting my other half down so he’s clear as crystal what needs to be done.
She is having to process a hell of a lot as well as having her own fears before this happened.
I’ve got lots to work on myself and thankfully think my hormones have settled a little bit which means I don’t feel completely insane and hopefully anything irrational has now shut the door on it’s way out!

OP posts:
ChimpiestoftheChimps · 14/01/2025 21:23

Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 21:14

@ChimpiestoftheChimps Thank you, I’m taking this all on board and will be sitting my other half down so he’s clear as crystal what needs to be done.
She is having to process a hell of a lot as well as having her own fears before this happened.
I’ve got lots to work on myself and thankfully think my hormones have settled a little bit which means I don’t feel completely insane and hopefully anything irrational has now shut the door on it’s way out!

Edited

It's really tough for all of you, you'll get there - and congratulations on your pregnancy by the way!

PlayedOurFavouriteSong · 14/01/2025 21:27

Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 21:04

@PlayedOurFavouriteSong please may I ask, are you a step parents? I am curious to know

Yes.

I also have step parents.

panpipeschill · 14/01/2025 21:31

Was there a there a thread about this already,

Original poster
Blossom204 · 14/01/2025 21:36

@PlayedOurFavouriteSong I’m curious to understand where your resentment comes from? I am here hands up seeking support and help, by your responses I take it you know the right way it should be done? So please educate me, we are here and the facts are I am pregnant and looking at the rate in which my stomach is growing… the baby will be here when expected to arrive. What advice can you give that we can use going forward because we are currently discussing us changing actions that have already been made? It is not very helpful or very useful for anyone. Everything’s better in hindsight but hey here we are. I have had lots of helpful responses already, so if your intention is to make it heard that you don’t agree with our actions. I hear you loud and clear.

OP posts: