Resenting adult step son

[Tidalwavenorth]

Hi all, first time posting. I've been with my OH for 12 years, lived together for 10. I have no children, he has two from previous marriage, who both lived with us full time when their mum moved an hour away (long story but there are obviously issues around that) Both children have been difficult. The eldest moved out 6 years ago and has little contact, though it is amicable. She has chosen to sever all contact with her mum. The son , who is 25 this year, only moved out in September. He is extremely immature and self centred and has been the root cause of so many issues between my partner and I. We have attended couples counselling successfully but I remain so resentful of the son. I have tried to be a good step parent, offered support and guidance, bought him considered gifts etc and would love to have a better relationship but he fails to make any effort whatsoever. I find him uncomfortable to be around. He nevers asks me anything or attempts to talk to me about anything and basically just grunts a hello and goodbye. I had been desperate for many years for him to move out, which caused countless rows with my partner. He has always been lazy and selfish. Eventually in September, he bought a house in the outskirts of our town. I expressed my reservations about him living there at a time when he's often out in town, as it obviously means getting a taxi home. But he dismissed them. But now he keeps asking to stay over on nights out. And, even worse, has started to come round when he's out in town (we live in the town centre) just to do a poo!!! If not bad enough he also leaves he toilet in a mess. I feel he is using our home like a doss house. He stayed on Friday night, got in at 4.30am and didn't get up until almost 1pm, then barely uttered a word to me. I feel it's disrespectful as he also doesn't offer to help tidy up etc. He comes round for meals and doesn't offer to wash up. At Christmas he asked his dad to help him print a £100 spa voucher for his mum (who does nothing for him) then gave his dad a book and me a pack of socks. I'd spent ages looking for a wall mirror for his new house, which was quite expensive, and when he opened it he looked totally unimpressed and wasn't very grateful. His dad never pulls him up on things when he's rude, dismissive or disrespectful and I believe he now just sees nothing wrong in his behaviour. I'm in a difficult position as everything I say about him results in a row with my partner. It's such a difficult subject to broach , but I don't want him staying over anymore. He only lives 2 miles away and it was his decision to live in the sticks. If he came round and actually joined us in doing things, had breakfast together, offered to tidy up after himself, was just generally nicer to be around I wouldn't have an issue, but the way he is just fills me with rage. I decided I wouldn't say anything until he asks to stay again but what should I do when he does? Any help much appreciated, sorry for the long post 🙈

Please try editing your post and using paragraphs. It’s very difficult to read in one big chunk.

Your problem here is your DH. He needs to be the one to set new boundaries and rules with his son.

He should be letting his son know that now he has moved out he can’t keep coming back as and when he pleases and he needs to respect your private space and time.

You’ve put in the hard work for years with his children, the least your husband could do now is pay you back with being firm and clear with his son.

DaisyChain505 thank you for this. I'm sorry about the lack of paragraphs but I can't see how to edit?!

I agree my partner needs to be the one setting the boundaries, but unfortunately, even after all of our counselling, he still often refuses to see issues with a lot of his son's behaviour.

We have almost separated many times , solely over this issue of his son. And it's like I've been holding on thinking "if only he moved out we'll be ok" as there are so many positives to our relationship and we generally are very well suited and get along really well in most other aspects. Unfortunately he moved out but keeps coming back 😫

Would your husband consider couple's counselling to address the issue?

From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like your husband is likely to change his approach to his son given that this has caused major problems between you and already involved couples counselling in the past without major changes. So, it seems like unless you want to break up over this, you may need to find a way to feel less enraged with the status quo while perhaps improving things with your stepson on the margins - like maybe you can get him to help with the dishes after meals or something. But it probably won’t be easy to alter the fundamental dynamics.

I totally understand how some of the things that are bothering you are upsetting within the context (like him not seeming more grateful for the Christmas gift), but they’re probably not worth stewing over in the scheme of things.

Feel for you OP, that's awful behaviour and sorry that your partner isn't backing you up.

DSS does sound very immature - what 25 year old wants to mope around his dad's house all hungover, when he has a perfectly good place of his own?

He needs a girlfriend, you might get some respite then!! Any chance?

Coming round to use your loo is a joke, who does he think he is?!!! And then to leave it in a mess...I wouldn't be putting up with it. Probably narrows the girlfriend field too

You're allowed to have boundaries. Start gently but firmly saying you don't want to be disturbed at night anymore unless it's an emergency, it makes extra work for you. Coming round to use the loo and nothing else is acceptable now and then and only if it's left in the same condition he found it.

Don't expect backup from DP but he'll get on board eventually if you're polite and factual.

I hope he doesn't still have a key to your house? Sounds like an awful situation which sadly hasn't been resolved by him moving out. Your husband needs to set boundaries. How can he even think this is ok?

Coming round for a poo, meals, sleeping in. Isn't that what we all do when it's our parents house? Because it is our family home and safe space?

I don't condone him leaving a mess, his dad needs to address that. I do think you're being a bit too critical. I'm not sure if I'd like people to buy me an expensive wall mirror either as that's a huge thing that's going into my house and it might not be to my taste. He sounds like a normal 25 yo to me and you sound like a resentful step mom.

Come on, he's taking the piss and treating the place like a dosshouse. He's a grown man with his own house and is only staying at OP's as he can't be arsed getting himself home from a night out! It's disrespectful.

He sounds like a rude thoughtless 25 year old. And if you are a resentful step mother, I’d be the same.

He has his own house, he can go back and laze and make a mess in that.

I would have been hoping for some separation the same way as you were.

You need to stop buying thoughtful expensive presents for him, he doesn’t appreciate it, it’s wasting your time.

Bellow, about cleaning the toilet if you find it a mess, and hand him a bottle of bleach and cleaning items. You can’t let him get away with it.

He will start to pick up on your displeasure

Your DH it seems won't change and won't ask him to be reasonable when DSS comes round so I think you don't have many options if you want to stay with DH.

However I would not be making an effort. Why do you buy him expensive and considered gifts? I wouldn't bother. Dh can sort if a gift is needed. If hes made a mess in the loo I wouldn't clean I say "DH the loo is very mess from DSS here's the gloves and bleach please can you clean it". If he's round for a meal then DH can cook, your seeing a friend, having a bath or finishing you book.

I can't think of one reason why you stay with your partner. He sounds as bad as his children and I would've been long gone.

Thank you for your responses. A lot of the things you say I know but find it hard to put into practice. SS would like a girlfriend but always moans they are all too high maintenance. I do worry how on earth he could have an adult relationship when he remains so childlike in so many ways.

I'd felt such relief when he moved out but the day we moved him he asked to stay over at ours as he was going out. My partner did say he couldn't be doing it all the time, but since then it seems to just be accepted. I have spoken up and it isn't all the time, but I now feel anxious every weekend wondering if he's going to turn up or ask to stay over.

If he were your bio child then you would be happy for him to come home and pop in from time to time.

That's why your DH doesn't say anything. He's happy that his adult son is in regular contact and they have a familial relationship.

And you're irritated that the DSS doesn't like you? Well, yeah, I'm sure your dislike and resentment of him are pretty obvious so that would explain it.

In the end, the boy has moved out. You got what you wanted. You've got to your DH to yourself. You have won! Now be reasonable and stop trying to ruin the relationship between your DH and his DCs out of your own jealousy and bitterness.

Has he stopped being his son now that he's an adult? He has annoying habits but he's still his son. You sound like a horror step mom to me.

As difficult as it is, you can't expect an immature 25yo to come downstairs and have a pleasant conversation at a breakfast table after night out if he returned home at 4:30am. Having said that, I would be upset about him using our home for pooing and sleeping in.
Difficult situation. Sorry, no advice.

I wouldn't accept it . If he has a key take it back . Explain to your partner that his son is an adult man who now has his own property to live in , he isn't on the streets . You have done your bit whilst he was a kid and now you want your home back to relax in and enjoy. If your partner can't support you now when his son has fled the best he never will do . IMO he'd be a foolish man accepting a split up over this and if he does then he doesn't love you enough .

I don't have children of my own, so it's impossible for me to say how I would feel if he were my biological child, but I have good relationships with friends children of similar ages, plus my nice and nephew and I would much prefer to have a better relationship with SS. I have tried to foster that and I don't think it's anything personal towards me, it's just how he is.

And I believe that's because he's not had boundaries set- he thinks it's ok to behave this way and never consider anyone else. Who wants to be around someone like that? I don't just mean myself - he has a very small friendship group , who are from school days (he's not made any new ones since then)and I worry he won't form better relationships with people because he doesn't understand give and take and thinking of other people's feelings and needs.

We (OH and myself) believe he's on the autistic spectrum, albeit highly functioning. And I have tried to support him in meeting new people, suggesting ways to do it etc but he point blank refuses to do anything. Part of the reason I didn't think living out of town was best for him was because I felt he may become even more isolated. So for those trolling, calling me a 'horror stepmum' please consider you don't know the full story.

Oh and I've never tried to stop OH having a good relationship with his son. I actively encourage it. But I don't believe I always have to be there too.There are a lot of issues at play, with SS being virtually abandoned by his mum at the age of 12 when she had an affair and moved cities to marry another man. I acknowledge my partner feels a lot of guilt, though none is his fault, but I believe he fails to set boundaries as he has this deep seated guilt about the children coming from a broken home and never wants to rock the apple cart, so to speak.

I know he's hurt by his sons actions. He gave him so much help last year in getting his £38,000 job and helping him sort a mortgage and buy a house. Plus we gave him the board we'd charged him whilst living with us to him as part of a deposit. But he didn't even get his dad a father's day card, let alone gift. And I've already said what happened at Christmas. He is so ungrateful. I asked him to thank his dad for all he'd done on father's day and he said he would. But during a counselling session when I brought it up, OH said SS never said a thing! This is the main reason I'm so resentful. He's earning a big salary for his age, owns his own house and car but still just takes and never gives. I'm not talking about grand gestures. He could have invited us round for a meal at his house, instead of always coming here but he never has🤷🏻‍♀️

We (OH and myself) believe he's on the autistic spectrum, albeit highly functioning.

This may be the key OP. He may feel lonely and isolated living on his own. He may long to return to his family home where he feels safe and things are familiar and comforting. He may not be able to recognise the need/remember to thank people for gifts. He may find the prospect of meeting new people and doing new things overwhelming. He had a traumatic time in childhood and his father has not given him firm boundaries.

Overall, he may not be able to manage life as a NT 25yo without childhood trauma would, and this manifests itself in behaviour which causes you resentment.

I do feel for you as it is a very difficult situation. But he is not going anywhere. He will be in your life forever because he is your partner's son. I guess it's up to you whether you are able to live with that reality or not.

You sound lovely and caring. All the best.

No I do not go round to my mums house to take a shit, thank you. I wouldn’t dream of it and I find it odd that you think it’s normal. And nor do I treat her house like a doss house either - I wouldn’t even drop in unannounced.

Also you need to let it go and accept it for what it is. Either that or leave your OH. His dad can clean the shit up from the toilet if he can’t bring himself to tell him to stop but you need to stop giving a toss about it. Get to a stage where it doesn’t matter or move out. Stuff like him showing respect or buying cards - ain’t going to happen ever.

You mention gifts.

from now on buy him a gift you dob’t feel annoyed about giving, like he does with books and socks. A token consumable item for example. That solves part of your annoyance.

i would make your DH clean the toilet, change his sheets etc.

I truly understand the Stepmom because I am one of them too! Right now I have the same situation, SS is 24 and no employment, no license and no place of his own! After he blew all his money from his deceased mom

@SlapTheMelon No, I don’t think that’s normal for a 25-year-old adult. He’s behaving like a teenager, not the grown man that he is.

My DD (20) is home from uni for a visit and she’s far more respectful. You don’t treat your parents’ home like a doss house, leave a mess in their loo, etc.

As soon as you said about the poo thing I knew you'd say about autism.

He won't chance OP. He's not going to see social norms the same way as you do.
He does sound lonely and the things you see as positives (good job, own home) likely dont mean the same to him. He was likely happier before.

He feels familiar at 'home'. Get DP to do any cleaning and sorting once he's gone but other than that it's a pick your battles situation IME. Be pleasant and accommodating but dont go out of your way, just to be unappreciated. If you really find it difficult, you'll have to be the one to leave unfortunately.