Bit of a backstory: children are 9 and 10. Been with dp for 6 years, lived together for 2. The children's father died when they were very little, so DP has been their only father figure and has pretty much acted as a full time parent. Youngest has SEN and this is often a source of conflict as her and DH clash often and don't have as good a relationship as eldest.
Yesterday DP shouted at dd because dp was in the middle of something and dd was asking lots of questions (annoying, I understand) Dd started to cry and rather than trying to resolve it, dh seemed to try to justify why he was shouting. Seemed to get resolved but then something went wrong with the task they were doing and in front of dd shouted to me that it was their fault (it wasn't) so she started crying again.
After I'd spoken to dd and resolved that I spoke to dp about how much he had upset her and that he would need to go speak to her at some point to smoothe things over. He said he had already apologised. He did but in my opinion he was raising his voice and it was more of a 'I'm sorry it upset you'. He went on to say to me that the only reason it happened was because dd was causing problems. I must admit, I got cross and told him to take responsibility for his own actions and then 'do not treat my child this way ever again'. I understand how that must have come across and I get why he is upset but he hasn't spoken to me for half a day now. He says he has resolved things with dd by repeatedly apologising but is saying I have deeply hurt him. I have apologised for my actions but have also said that he hasn't actually resolved anything. On the face of it everything is OK because he apologised and dd is OK but in my mind, it is not genuine as he is still laying the blame on dd when discussing with me. This to me means that he has no genuine remorse and that it is likely to happen again. It made me so cross and yes, I did get protective over dd. She is my child and I won't tolerate her being blamed for something that is not her fault but also I don't want to be hurtful to someone who is essentially in the role as parent.
I don't know how to move past this. I feel there is a pattern of him not seeming to take responsibility for his side of things. I feel like my comment has overshadowed all of this but perhaps I don't understand how hurtful it could be.
Any insight?