DP wants 1:1 with one of his children

[AnonymousAnnie55]

I have two DSC. My DP wanted to go to a sport session tonight, with his older child, his younger child never joins in happily and hates for older child and their father to play 1:1 at all.

I’m of course happy if I’m home to have younger child here, my DC are here at home too. We’ve lived together 2 years, but his youngest has still been struggling with the situation, I think he needs counselling or support as he’s incredibly angry at times. He’s 10. DP does things with younger child 1:1 as often as possible, older child is more than happy to come out with me and my dc if/where needed. Younger child does sometimes have positive times when we are altogether, but it’s few and far between.

Would you suggest partner takes his youngest and tries to encourage good behaviour and just do the sport session, albeit this seems to always end in tears and issues. Or should partner have just enforced that youngest stays here with me? He’s taken both DSC with him tonight, but just interested in opinions…

I would say that neither of those are great options give how the younger child is feeling.

For next week could he maybe drop older child and spend some time with younger child 1-2-1 whilst older child is there? Maybe a hot chocolate together in a nearby cafe?

Or if he feels that 1-2-1 time is important is there the option to chat to mum and alter the access one a month or something so that each child has a full day 1-2-1 with each parent?

I agree, it’s feeling so hard and tense when these nights happen. Younger child had two full days with their dad at the weekend, and tonight was supposed to be older child’s turn.

Their mum wont agree to one to one times. It’s going to court hopefully and my DP is going to request this, as his eldest is feeling very resentful of the youngest.

I can see why the EX would not like it as either way if 1 is with Dad the other one is going to be with her which will increase her childcare time. The impact on her life is going to be bigger than on his.
For example, he has eldest Friday for 1:1 but youngest stays with her that Friday. Next week assuming EOW - eldest stays with her an youngest gets 1:1 time. if it is more than one day then it will be even worse for her

DSC2 was like this - monopolised DH’s time and could not share any time with DSC1. DSC1 would just give in as DSC2 would have meltdowns, no matter how much time DH had spent with DSC2.

They have since been diagnosed with ADHD and ASD diagnosis is pending.

DP has them 50:50, his ex has very much tried to alienate youngest against being comfortable coming here

I think it's really important that your husband d is fair to both children and doesn't neglect the eldest in favour of the youngest. It will be cause resentment over time and then you'll have two unhappy step children.

So 50:50 will not be 50:50 an will exacerbate the younger childs issues as left abandoned with Mum on the day he does elder 1:1. He has to make 1:1 time work in his 50.

Any suggestions?

They need to get some family therapy and or separate therapy for the younger AND older child, the younger child's behaviour will be negatively affecting the older child and just because they give in to them doesn't mean they are unaffected.

Uncanny.

My DP tried 1-1 with his younger child.
Turned out ‘lack of attention’ wasn’t the problem at all.

He took kid - who grabs all the attention anyway at huge cost to sibling - away for the weekend and the challenging behavior 1-1 was even worse.

He then put kid in therapy. Was discovered that child has ADHD. He was getting adrenaline out of excluding the other sibling. He couldn’t regulate himself age appropriately, had no idea what was unsettling him and had found this ‘I need more attention’ script worked for him best. Now everyone knows what’s going on he’s a lot better.

I definitely feel there is scope for a diagnosis, younger DSS is on pathway but will be ages yet.

DP is once again on about 1-1 time funnily enough. This would affect me in numerous ways if I allowed it to, so I just don’t. I nod and say hmmm and think about why it’s not my problem to solve. I don’t offer childcare as that enables DP to duck the challenge of resolving it with the other parent. Their kids are their issue. The ‘let them deal with it’ approach is a fantastic energy saving device. I remind myself that DP is not on online forums analyzing how he can alleviate my own parenting challenges 😂