OCD and PPA with baby and 6yo SS

[Hsolley0904]

Hi, I have a 4mo LG and a 6yo SS. I am really struggling at the moment in trusting my stepson with my baby. He loves her and is very proud to be a big brother, however I am finding it difficult to let him touch her or get too close. He picks his nose and coughs all over her (and is really rough most recently he tried to shake her head), leading her to get sick on a few occasions. I am also suffering with OCD and postpartum anxiety, specifically surround my babies health and having him get too close is something that really triggers my OCD and PPA. We have my SS every weekend and my partner is home all the time. My SS only tries to come close to her when his dad leaves the room, so he knows he shouldn’t be doing it, but tries it anyway. He is obsessed with trying to kiss her on the face, which is something I’ve told my partner I’m not comfortable with him doing, obviously it’s not just me SS I’m not allowing to do this. I don’t want to loose my temper and shout at him, and we previously have a fantastic relationship and I love him, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can leave the room because as soon as I do, he goes right up close to her. My partner has spoken to him about space and ‘catching his coughs’ but he only seems to try doing it with me.
I feel like it’s driving a wedge between us all, but I cannot help how I feel. I’m waiting on therapy for my OCD and PPA but I’m unsure what to do in the meantime.
to add, my OCD is germ related and he comes back from his mums without having had a bath all week (she has openly admitted this) so I constantly feel like he’s covered in germs. He does have baths when he’s here but I still cannot not feel the germs.
tia x

This is all very reasonable to want to protect your very new and vulnerable baby but my instinct tells me you’re going to get flamed on here!

to try and help. Ss comes, straight away bath. When he comes out from the bath offer some sit down cuddles which you can supervise for a set time. Make it a thing wash hands before touching baby and after coughing etc.

tough one because he will want to be on the baby, baby is new. Baby will also be exposed to germs and the like that’s life.

going to take some time and compromise on your side. Speak to your partner about how you feel and hopefully he will understand and be supportive.

also a 6yo won’t understand how gentle you need to be with a newborn so you will need to repeatedly explain it to him so he understands.

Aha, yes I’m sure there will be some keyboard warriors telling me I’m an awful human being!

I’ve never struggled being a stepparent, in fact I love it and feel very lucky, but being a stepparent and having a newborn isn’t spoken about enough. It’s wayyyy harder than I anticipated. My OCD is new to me postpartum and has come on full throttle so I’m figuring that out too.

Your poor stepson. He is just a child not a germ riddled animal.

If you had an older full sibling I bet you would not be acting this way so I don't think it's fair to do this to your step son.
Kids get poorly. It happens. She's building an immune system. You wait till they start at nursery!

Your daughter is going to be crawling around putting all sorts in her mouth very soon. You are going to need to relax or it is going to damage your relationship with your stepson.

You'd likely not feel like he's a 'germ riddled animal' if you had him full time because you'd have more sway over his hygiene and habits.

These feelings are temporary and completely natural. You're wired to protect your new baby and as she grows you won't be so afraid of her getting sick.

Remember your emotions are there to serve you, don't let these fears control you, but use them to make informed decisions about how to best protect her. Be gentle with yourself, focus on being rational when SS is home and work with him, not against him.

Good luck.

When you have a baby you are flooded with oxytocin, which helps you bond with the baby and gives you the rush of love for them. But there is another side to the hormone which is it increases distrust of "out" groups. At a very biological level you are seeing SS as an outsider and the disgust is a means of protecting your baby.
Now your thoughts are your thoughts, to be observed and noted they pose no danger in your mind. What does matter as one of the adults in the situation is your actions. If this continues looking 3/4 years down the line you will have half-siblings, who are primed to see unfairness in everything, seeing that unfairness play out. You will have two parents who are not on the same page and clashing at every turn and your anxiety will be off the scale because you are overthinking everything, thinking it is keeping you safe but it is destroying everything. Remember the opposite of the overthinking OCD mindset is simply being in the moment. It seems that at the moment you are afraid of your own thoughts. Step-parenting, gosh I haven't done it but it must be so difficult for you.

I get it OP. When my DD was a few weeks old my DHs ex sent the boys knowing they had Covid, (we also have them every weekend) knowing we had a newborn, she didn’t care and both me and tiny DD ended up with Covid, it was so bloody horrible, I then ended up developing anxiety and it took over my life, got pretty ridiculous and was convinced they were going to give her something that would kill her. I found medication and time helped though (also once she had all her vaccinations)

It’s hard with a newborn, especially your first. You see everything as a threat. It does get easier. Having another a child visit must be difficult. I agree with giving ss something to help with like bath time. It’s ok to insist he washes his hands before coming near the baby, and if he is unwell a mask. Take it slowly with small things.