How to navigate this issue

[Gavlar2019]

I had posted on relationships last week but didn't have my h response. Maybe this board would be better?

I'm not really sure where to start but will share some facts. I'm an adult child with my own child, self sufficient and mostly independent. Never had best relationship with my father - Materialistic and emotionally abusive although I don't think I experience the emotional abuse anymore, just the trauma of it.

Step mother is the affair partner, many years since my parents divorced. Before my own child, very low contact and superficial relationship with both father and step mother. They showed more interest once baby came along. They only really contact me to ask after them.

They try to facilitate meeting as a wider family every month or so in public spaces which we almost always make the effort to go to. However, this festive period continues to highlight how shit it always makes me feel after being around them.

Main issues:-
They are always in a rush, don't really ask about me, my life, and if they do it's repeated questions of things I've already told them like they can't be bothered to remember previous conversations we have had.

When I enquire after them it's always a very broad answer like "same old" or if I enquire in a message how they are, they just don't answer that part of the message.

I don't know if it's me just being ridiculous but it's driving me round the bend. I dream of changing my name and disassociating with that side of the family probably because I'll never forget past trauma and how insignificant I feel a lot of the time. I'm trying to work out if it's something I've done as to why they are like that or if it's just me being weird.

My child had a significant diagnosis last year and after I told them they've never asked me once about it or how they are getting on or how I manage. My step sibling has a similar diagnosis so it's not as if she wouldn't know how tricky it can be.

I guess I don't know why I keep doing this when it makes me feel so shit.

I should probably add that it's probably more of a father and step mother issue.

It's step mother that would have text communication with generally. Non existent chats with father via phone. Maybe I should make an effort but I wouldn't even know what to say. When I have called with news etc in the past it's just acknowledged and that's it, no further conversation made about it.

I'm sick of feeling like shit every time I have to have contact with them.

Is anyone in a similar situation and how do you manage?

when you compare your treatment by them to how they treat other (step/half) children are there particular trends you can pinpoint? Are their rude ways universal or specific to you?

My short answer is to go in to the events and conversations with your eyes open, expecting little. Don’t ask how they are, if it hurts getting a brush off. Just say “hope all is well with you” so that they can’t hurt you with a vague mysterious response. Manage your expectations and admit to yourself ahead of time how it’s going to go…and don’t give more than you get, conversation wise. It hurts when people won’t match your interest in them, but the best you can do is not chase after them and let yourself get hurt more. I wish there was a happier answer.

It also helps to remember, as the saying goes, that a very large fraction of other people’s behavior has to do to with them and not with you.

Hey - I'm so sorry to read your post. It sounds difficult for you.

There has no doubt been a lot of complexity in this web of relationships in the past... Do you feel they want a relationship with you? More importantly, do you want one with them? And if so, what type of relationship do you want?

This line of your post stuck out to me "I'm trying to work out if it's something I've done as to why they are like that or if it's just me being weird". You're taking all the responsibility for the situation. Perhaps you aren't being weird and perhaps you haven't done anything....there could be a million reasons why they behave how they do. If you want to build something with them then all that is worth exploring... but if you don't want to... that's ok too.

In my experience, Stepfamilies are full of misunderstandings about behaviour/communication and what it means, and why people behave the way they do... but that doesn't mean you need to try and unpack it all if you don't want to.

Good Luck 💐

Time to drop the rope.
They add notjing but stress to your life.
It is ok to just fade away and drop that rope.

There aren’t any particular trends I can pinpoint, no. One of my siblings tends to have no filter and will just talk at people whether they like it or not so it’s hard to say really. The responses to them don’t seem as proportionate as I would expect though. I very much get the feeling father and step mother make a point of doing things just for show. They are very materialistic but for example wouldn’t have the first clue about what I actual enjoy/like and always opt to give money as a gift. I don’t want to seem ungrateful and money does come in handy but they are the complete opposite of me who likes to be thoughtful about gifts and what people may like. I only mention this with it being Christmas recently.

And with things for show, like she will ask how I am in a message but always ignore my question about how she is. That bit in particular really bothers me as I can’t understand why she consistently chooses to ignore the question. When I’m around them I feel quite insignificant which makes me feel like I’m a child and not treated like an adult, like how they chat to their friends and their own siblings.

It’s a good point to consider about saying something like hope all is well rather than asking a question.

I’d quite confidently say they get zero out of me having a relationship with them, and likewise me with them. Aside from keeping up appearances. I feel that when other members of my family are no longer on this earth and my own child is grown then I would just withdraw. My work colleagues know more about me and my life then my family do and it just feels so sad. I don’t think I have any interest in exploring it. If we weren’t related our paths would never cross.

It doesn’t help that I’m also finding it hard that one of my longest friends appears to also have changed quite drastically in recent years. They have been through some difficult times and I have been there. To the point I’d always say I was okay when asked as they had enough to deal with. And on more recent occasions when I’ve said I’m not okay they just said we’d have to meet soon, when we did, it wasn’t mentioned. I feel like I’m the one making myself available for what people might need and then when I do get the courage to reach out, I can’t rely on them. It’s hurtful. Maybe the friendship has ran its course. I’d rather they just say as now I feel in limbo.

I think the combination of these things have highlighted the dissatisfaction I have with those around me, and that I want to navigate it without making myself look like an idiot.

I wonder if there’s any worth in trying to accept what’s happened with these relationships but at the same time starting to withdraw and making new friends. I have had therapy before but they never appeared to what to unpick things, just help you to manage through life going forward.

>>. When I’m around them I feel quite insignificant which makes me feel like I’m a child and not treated like an adult, like how they chat to their friends and their own siblings.

What you describe here is a lot like my grandparents were, and some of my aunts and uncles. My grandparents found their friends/relatives of their own generation fascinating, but treated their own children like babies even after they were long grown. It’s as if they just couldn’t imagine anyone younger than them being significant or interesting in any adult way. Similarly, I used to send Christmas cards to aunts and uncles for years and years, never getting any in return. And I know those people exchanged cards with other, older friends/relatives. I finally stopped. Some people just don’t want to grant you a seat at the “adult table.” And yes, it does make you feel insignificant!! I’m not sure if there is any way to fix this. Do some deep thinking about what your hopes are when you interact with them, what goes unfulfilled (like the bit about never sharing their news with you). Then think about how you can interact with them in a different way (like making a statement rather than asking a question) that protects you from disappointment at not getting the interaction you hoped for.

And…take the money they give you as presents, and buy something for yourself that you really, really like. Something like clothes or jewelry that would require deep personal knowledge. Then, consider this a private “win”, in that you turned a gift requiring little intimacy and thought into a special way to honor and care for yourself.

I used to be a listener, too - and know that experience, of people dumping their problems on you then not giving a whit about yours. All you can do is stop listening so much to theirs and try to keep the conversation more neutral. Don’t go deeper into debt for those who don’t pay their share. And try counseling again. I personally had great luck with a PhD psychologist, who had a deep, reflective approach, and had less good luck with counselors having more practical / clinical qualifications who worked through set strategies like CBT (ones that are more forward-change geared rather than reflective). Everyone is different and it can take trial and error to find one that will work with you the way you want them to. Try a differently qualified person, and tell them straight off that you want to explore and understand the cause of the feelings, not necessarily jump into changing your own behavior, and that you felt previous counseling didn’t work because it didn’t go deep enough into the underlying causes and effects.

Good luck!