Don’t know what to do

[Stepmum2111]

I have been with DP for over 3 years. I met his children in March this year. Conscious decision not to bring them in to our relationship too early. We had to be sure together first. We don’t live together so sometimes I sleep over and sometimes not. Sometimes the children ask me to sleep over.
DP‘s ex moved away meaning they couldn’t have 50/50 with the children. They weren’t married so in our country he has few rights - he is named on birth certificate and the children have his surname.
DP‘s ex is also against 50/50 as she wouldn’t get her benefits for unemployment and single mother or the equivalent of CMS here which is over 500€ per child per month. Plus it doesn’t work for school as the children live about 40 minutes away and there is no afternoon care at the current school. So DP can’t do drop off and pick up and work a full day. If they were with him there are different schools with different schedules and we could work it out between us but when the children’s school is around 80 minutes from where both of us work it is difficult, and a morning drop off is 40 minutes opposite from where we both work, so that is 80 minutes from home and back and then another 40 minutes to get to work.
DP was supposed to have the children for half of the Christmas holidays starting on 25th.
When school broke up on 20th there was a call, come and pick up the children. DP actually said no, I have things to do, I can pick them up on Sunday. Sunday comes, ex won’t commit to a time, she’s not sure what she is doing, she will let him know at 16:00. 16:00 comes - the children will stay with me. You can get them on Christmas Day. So we make some plans.
We go to the pool on Sunday at 17:30. have just paid entrance and his phone rings - you must pick up the children now. Sorry we have just paid entry for the pool, you can bring them here, tell us when you are on your way and we will come out to collect them.
One message at 17:45 - what do they need to go swimming - and then nothing until 19:30 when she says she is there - she lives 20 minutes from the pool. Last thing she says is bring them back at midday on Christmas eve.
So now DP has the children until Christmas Eve. He stupidly rather than confirming he is bringing them at 12 he asks ex what time should I bring them. She says 16:00. He still had things to get for Christmas for them but they were there and shops closed here at 14:00.
Christmas Day, 11:00 she asks what time are you coming, he said 16:00 she said 15:00 is better. We went to get the children and she tried to give us the school bags, which meant she expected that they were with DP until 6th.
Last night one child asked if she could go back to their mum, because we wouldn’t allow internet and mobile phone playing, but mum allows it and mum said no, I am out.
unfortunately the older girl saw the messages from her mum as she was playing on the phone and she is now questioning DP as to why her mum doesn’t want to see her. They have been staying at their GP‘s house for the last 2 weeks because mum has a 4 month old.
They have also told us that mum is always fighting with the father of the baby and they don’t want to be in the flat so it is better with the grandparents.
What can I do to make these girls feel safe? DP and I don’t have any disagreements in front of them, something we have agreed together. They are lovely girls and deserve so much better. They seem to like the father of their baby brother even though he’s only been in their lives for 16 months when he got together with their mum. I find him very pleasant too.
I am a mum too, my DD is an adult and it breaks my heart.
Unless we can prove the children are being neglected he can’t get custody, but it just feels as if everything is wrong where they are at the moment.
Any ideas of how to make things better? I have met his ex a few times now, she will never be a friend but I think I can talk to her or do I just keep my nose out and make her girls feel safe with me and DP and one day they can decide where they want to be?

How old are the kids and why isn't there a court order in place?

The op said fathers have very few rights in their country

7 and 10. The older one will be allowed to choose where she lives in 2 years but obviously we don’t want to split them up.
There is a lot of emotional abuse, but that is difficult to prove.
The mum just seems to have checked out from them at the moment.
A couple of examples. I have been teaching the little one to swim, big one swims well and likes to do things like handstands with DP so I thought let’s give it a try to get her more confident in the water. So she gives it a go without her swim ring and after an hour she is swimming underwater for about 1.5 metres. I am proud and she is proud. The next day we are at the school Christmas party. Mum, mum, stepmum2111 is teaching me to swim. I swam underwater for 1.5 metres. She was so excited. Her mum‘s reply that’s not swimming it’s diving. Just dismissed and put down for an achievement and I felt so hurt for her, it was how my narc mum would talk to me.
We have been swimming twice since and little one has thanked me because, her words, mum hates swimming and won’t take us.
Christmas Day, we had bought a selection of different potatoes - ones with dark purple skins but we didn’t tell the girls they were purple inside. Big one cuts open the potato and is surprised. Wow they are purple inside can I call mum? She video calls mum, mum answers what do you want - maybe because it was DP‘s number. Mum mum look at the potatoes, they are purple inside. Mum: What sort of shit is that? Why are you showing me that? I have to go. I’m busy, I have to give the baby a bottle, change his nappy and smoke a cigarette. And then one girl with a very sad face.
DP has just called, girls on the phone too. They’ve asked if I will come over and build Lego with them.

Poor kids, if I was your dp I would take this to court and fight for the kids, the mum is happy with her little family of 3 unfortunately, hoping the kids get a better life with yous soon.

Can’t take it court as that isn’t how it works here. However, their mum‘s boyfriend has excelled tonight. He sent the eldest photos from a Christmas place they went to with the baby this evening - Santa Claus etc.The eldest was in tears saying it was so mean that they went there without her and I totally agree.

DSCs have been back with their mum for just over 24 hours now and the phone calls have started.
They were crying saying they heard their mum saying to her boyfriend that she didn’t want them.
It’s now 11pm here and DP has had to calm them down. Big one is packing their things to move in with DP. Not sure how this is going to work as their school is far away and in the opposite direction from where we both work and no wraparound care, but if the mum gives custody to DP then he can register them here for school, where there is wraparound care, me and GPs. I will change my working hours to make this work. I don’t live with DP yet but we have been talking about it.
I also feel sorry for their mum, I truly think she has PND. Part of me wants to speak to her boyfriend.
However, I will be honest, I don’t like her, I was also a single mum and my DC’s father had no contact with them and didn’t pay any maintenance, so I made sure I had a decent job to provide for my DC.
This woman just quit her job and claimed benefits even though the children were in school and nursery - it’s a bit different here - you can claim benefits until your child is 12 but they expect you to work part time from when they go to primary. Then she “accidentally” got pregnant with a man she was with for 4 months (he was boyfriend number 4 that had moved in with her in the 4 years since they separated) and baby was then born when youngest DSC started school.
On top of that the maintenance payments went up on 1 January but so did child benefit. She wrote to DP to tell him he must pay 2€ more per month - I laughed because she miscalculated it and it is only 1€ per month, but if she gives DP custody she must pay maintenance from her benefits and will lose benefits because she no longer has 3 children at home, just one - she tells the authorities that her boyfriend does not live with her.

There is too much of your dislike for her coming through in your posts and not enough focus on how you sort out what the girls need and want.

If she has said to them she doesn't want them and your DP does want them then he needs to have a conversation with her about how that would work ie. they come and live with you and change schools etc

There is no need to gloat that she miscalculated a sum by one Euro. Its irrelevant to the issues of where the girls should live assuming she doesn't want to have them anymore. Focus on the proper issue without showing your contempt for her and support your DP in what he wants to happen.

@Spirallingdownwards why am I not allowed to dislike her because she doesn’t care for the DCs, it doesn’t cloud anything about what the girls need or want. I have been focusing on that for the last 2 weeks and also before. We all do things together, I leave DP alone with them sometimes, they have time alone with me too.
Their mum doesn’t do basic things like brushing their hair or making sure that their finger or toenails are cut, DP does that and really well.
All her contact is about money or DP picking up the DC when it isn’t his time - he wanted more time - she wouldn’t allow it, but she expects when she calls he will drop everything. He did before, when I didn’t know them - so many plans were cancelled. Now he sometimes says no because it really doesn’t work, but now we all have time together and I am happy for them to be there. He asked for one night during the week as well as his EOW and she refused.
I disagree with the way she lives her life, but people are different. When DP and her split, he asked her to stay in the area he lives, offered to pay her rent even though with 50/50 there is no maintenance but the DC could have stayed in the nursery they were in at the time and then have a good primary school.
DP wants them, he has for a long time. I will support him with that. We will find our way. I am now making space in my house that they have a room here too.
I care about them as much as I care about my DC, they are special in my life. They bring joy to this old lady.
Their mother tongue is not mine, but I’ve learnt their language, they correct me sometimes which is funny. I teach them things in English too.
I am feeling sad tonight because DP’s house felt very empty without them there and then all the phone calls. It’s so hard to prove emotional abuse.

The girls need somewhere stable with no fighting between the adults, who are supposed to be the caregivers and to help them navigate their lives.

You are obviously somewhere in Europe since you've spoken about euros. Your dp can go to court to set up access legally and obtain parental rights and that's what he needs to do.

He cannot go to court. I’ve said this before. They were not married, so it is different it this country.

I am not saying you aren't allowed to dislike her. I am simply saying don't let your dislike of her cloud the issues that need addressing. Your lengthy response to me further evidences that you are letting emotions cloud what needs to be done.

Approach it in a practical way. What actual steps are needed to reach the end goal of custody/residence?

Which country will not allow a father to pursue a custody/residence case when a mother is neglecting her children out of interest?

If I had my time again, I would cut and run. My exw situation was as messy as yours and it never got better. It’s in the rear view now, because the kids are much older, but it changed me as a person. Aged me, soured me, halved me.

I know you won’t leave, because I wouldn’t have done either but I’m just letting you know how long and bitter the road is. So, I think the next best thing is to try and separate your thoughts from this and don’t get too involved. Sorry that my feedback isn’t more constructive.

The latest is she wants DP to have the children FT for the foreseeable future, as she is not coping with them in the evenings with the baby. They annoy her.
However she will not sign them over to him so he can put them in school where we are (she will lose state benefits if they aren’t living with her), she has also said she still wants maintenance during this time.
It doesn’t work practically for us to take and pick them up daily from the school they are currently at.
The best we can do at the moment is pick them up on a Friday and take them back to school on a Monday.

Overnight a message was sent to DP saying that he is now forbidden to call the DC in the evenings. And she has asked why can’t stepmum2111 help with the pick up and drop offs. She has refused in the past to put me on the list for school pick up, which we wanted to do for emergencies.
i feel like walking away, I feel like I’m living in a bad episode of Eastenders right now.

She can't have her cake and eat it. She's being completely unreasonable. You DP needs to respond and lay out the requirements for you taking them FT including them moving school and CM stopping otherwise it won't work for you. It sounds like she's struggling and she needs him more than he needs her.

Is there really nothing he can do with regards to taking her to court? Does he have evidence of her saying she's not coping with them or was it said on a call?

This is so horrible for those poor kids.

I'm staggered that you can't take this to court

Which country is it?

He has evidence. Voice messages on WhatsApp.
You wrote exactly what I thought - she can’t have her her cake and eat it too.
He needs to take control now before the DC are completely fucked up.
He’s told her he will take them FT as long as they are able to go to school here because it is the only way it can work.
It’s not normal to go to court here, it’s very difficult for a father to get full custody. Normally they ask for a mediation first with a government department. He got social workers involved before as he had heard she was doing drugs and they came every evening for 2 weeks and said everything was fine.
When she left DP he even offered to still give her some maintenance to stay in the area so they could have 50/50.
I just need an anonymous place like here to write this down because otherwise I will go crazy. I’m a sensitive person with a heart that cares about the welfare of these 2 and I feel helpless.

He will just have to push for court but as I said it is not normal. They will want to involve counsellors and mediators before it can go to that. It will not go directly to a trial. It will take so long.
She isn’t physically neglecting them, they are fed and are clothed. I don’t agree with some of the basics that she doesn’t do with them but that’s just a different parenting style.
Emotional abuse is harder to prove, the DC tell us she hits her BF - DP believes this as she did that to him too. We can’t prove that either unless BF speaks up. We have also heard that sometimes BF takes his child away from her and has his child overnight at his parents.

Can you answer which country you are in please? People may be able to help if we know the laws there

I’m not willing to put that out there at the moment. I’m just wanting a safe place to rant.
DP will get some legal advice this week now everyone is back to work after the Christmas break.