Wonder if I matter to my eldest SC

[FTstepmum]

As my name suggests, I'm a full-time step mum - to 4 children aged 10, 12, 14, 16.

Their mother moved 400 miles away when my DH and SC when the eldest was 7 and youngest was 6 months. I've been SM since 2019. They all call me mum (their choice).

Each year, I do all the Christmas planning, shopping, wrapping, cooking, days out, etc. I make a huge effort to be thoughtful and generous.

Yesterday, my two eldest SC gave me a cheap-tat gift from Tiktokshop with the £1.50 price left on - and the things they bought indicated there was zero thought made when choosing.

Not unusual for teens, I know. But it was the contrast between that and the gifts they gave to others in the family that has made me feel I don't matter very much to them. For example, my eldest SD spent several weeks planning and making her dad a handmade item, which means a lot to him.

I'm hurt by it.

I put in all the effort for Christmas in our family. I spend a lot of time really thinking about them in what to buy. I plan treats out for them that I know they will enjoy.

Right now, to the oldest children, I feel like an add-on that doesn't really matter.

My DH doesn't see the issue.

How do I get over feeling this self-pity?

Teenagers are a strange and wonderful breed. Don't overthink it. They bought you something which suggests they gave it some thought. What did they give you out of interest?

He should see the issue. Maybe he’s taking you for granted and they’re following his lead. Not good enough!

from what you’ve posted. I view your children chosing to call you Mum, the biggest gift in the world. Mum is such a powerful being that most Disney films remove the Mum so the story can happen to the main character (Mum would never let it happen!) or the Mum is a weak character.

from what you write, this doesn’t feel like a step Mum rejection situation but a take Mum for granted as she’d always there one. Which is such an amazing achievement in the circumstances of their lives. You clearly do do all the things you say you do for everyone. I expect that is tiring and you may need to ask your DH for some recognition of that if he’s capable of giving it.

In my opinion the biggest gift you can give children as their parent is a one way permanent flow of love and being their permanent safety net. Our children (eldest 16) bought us nothing for Xmas. Wouldn’t have occurred to them. Our eldest has just started spontaneously buying gifts for their close friends.

At their age, I spent hours of angst trying to buy my parents and other family members the perfect thoughtful gift - looking back, in the hope they would pay me at least some attention and care. My Dad got the most effort for sure… on the surface that looked like because I adored him. Which I did. I do even after he’s died. But whilst he was amazing, he was also emotionally a child and I learnt to pander to that from a very young age. If my kids put as much thought into the gift your kids made for their Dad, I would be having a chat with him about how he could make them feel more secure.

teenagers are hardwired to cut those apron strings brutally. If your children feel so secure in their relationship with you as their step Mum to do that - wow what an amazing gift you’ve given then.

would your DH be up to the task of helping them choose a thoughtful Mother’s Day gift for your next year? When young, my DH loved the thought we put into his gifts and gave none back for mine. I got pissed and asked him how our kids were going to learn it if not from him. For a couple of years, I gave my DH ideas and he then gears them up into action. They’ve settled into doing handprints on a large piece of paper made to look like a bunch of flowers. I love how the piece of paper has had to get bigger over the years and they’re my favourite gift.

Your DH should ideally take on the role of reminding them to think of you. How damaged is he? Can he take it on?

Each year, I do all the Christmas planning, shopping, wrapping, cooking, days out...I put in all the effort for Christmas in our family. I spend a lot of time really thinking about them in what to buy. I plan treats
My DH doesn't see the issue

He doesn't sound like a darling. Why isn't he doing all this for his kids?

I wouldn't expect gifts from my own kids. Mine are primary age, so perhaps I am out of sync, but just don't see it as an issue. I agree with pp that them wanting to call you mum is beautiful.

I would absolutely ask why you are a stay at home step mum though and whether you are financially protected. It is a hell of a lot to give up work for someone else's children. Especially as if you separate, he would end up with custody anyway. Do make sure you look after yourself and not just everyone else.

Into k you are other thinking OP, though I understand now. If it helps, it never crossed the mind of my 15 and 13 year olds to buy me something. I think it's just a teens thing!

You are in the trenches of teen-dom and it often isn't a very nice place. That said, me and DH physically take DS19 out to buy presents (he's autistic and developmentally delayed so there's a bit of a black hole where 'buy a present' should be). If you DCs can't manage this important bit of relationship-building by themselves then an adult has to help them do it.

I suspect you did a bit more of this than your DH, who doesn't sound all that great to be honest. I also echo the pp that I hope you're financially secure and protected.

Once again, you wonderful, brilliant people help with your insight and compassion!

Thanks to you lot, I'm willingly putting on my big girl pants and leaving my pity party.

Just to answer your considerate questions, though...

I think I'm as financially secure as I can be.

And DH is quite firmly on the spectrum. He's a really good, loving man, but he doesn't understand the nuances of these types of things.

Before he met me, he was on his own for 3 years singlehandedly looking after a small baby, a toddler and two infant school children - and trying to run his business.

They adore him for that. I guess it makes sense that the two eldest would put so much more effort.

He was very grateful for me "putting on a wonderful Christmas" and mentioned it a lot yesterday.

Lots of love to you all.

Thank you xxxx

When my stepson did this DH 'had a word '. Then a few years later the same conversation with stepdaughter. Both years I had invested much time and joint money getting them presents they are asked for.

I didn’t get any presents from my own children. Dh and I buy for each other and it’s kind of assumed it’s from the whole family. I don’t think it would occur to them to buy something just from themselves until they moved out

I agree with this. Teenagers can be just as accidentally narcissistic with their biological parents as they are with step parents. But they will also model what they are shown. If your dh was modeling “not taking mum for granted” they would too. I don’t think you are being slighted because you are not the real mum but because, on some level, they may worry he could abandon them as she did.

Teenagers take their mums for granted, they all pretty much go through that phase. My brother once got our mum some reduced priced diabetic chocolates, wrapped in a Tesco bag and parcel tape. She’s not diabetic. The following year he completely forgot.

My teen stepkids got me absolutely nothing, not even a Happy Christmas text. Didn’t even get a thank you for cooking Christmas dinner or any help whatsoever 😂 Honestly, I just shrug that stuff off these days.

Does your DH make sure each child has the money, time and supplies to make or buy you a present? He’s the adult here.

My eldest son, 16, bought me an Obi Wan Kanobe tree decoration.

I've never seen Star Wars.

DH got a lighter. He doesn't smoke.

The best one was my 87yr old grandmother who he presented with a chrome back scratcher in the shape of a skeleton hand.

All unwrapped.

His GF however, got £90 UGG slippers, boutique chocs and personalised jewellery. He spent about an hour wrapping them carefully.

Do not take it personally OP. Teens are self absorbed tits at the best of times. To be honest we found the random tat rather endearing and certainly very funny. Quite looking forward to next year to see what else he chooses. Perhaps a cat bed. As we don't have a cat.