AIBU DP having day out with ex

[struggling24]

DP is having a Christmas Day out with his ex and dc.

He didn't tell me explicitly about- just said he was seeing dc that day.

When I found out he spent the first 20 mins saying dc would like it and that's what's important- basically saying to have any other reaction would be unreasonable of me.

Plus he couldn't look me straight in the eye while he was saying most of it.

Then he said if I didn't want him to go he wouldn't.

I said I didn't want to ruin his day out., so said he should still go, but I didn't like it.

I felt like a knife was twisted through my heart, felt sick, and couldn't sleep last night.

My spidey sense has been tingling about this ex since our first date.

I've been with DP 6 years and his dc is ten.

In that time the ex has lived with about 5 partners but is currently single.

DP has stayed great friends with her the whole time and is really proud of their great relationship.

They message constantly and she calls him a lot usually when dc is with her to talk to 'daddy' and they have fun jokey conversations.

They wouldn't be doing this fun Christmas Day out if she had a partner. As they haven't done anything like it since I've been with DP.
She suggested something 2 years ago (when she was single) and he balked at the idea which is partly why I don't like it this time- particularly as it's been upgraded to a whole day.

Also DP and I have been limping through non-stop rough patches- which I think is partly why he's not worried about me- and just caring about having fun with his DC.

We'd just got things back on track for Christmas- and now it's all off the rails again.

Just wondering other people's thoughts on the situation.

End it. It’s just not worth it. He’s obviously waiting to be invited back

If the family day out only comes up when his Ex is single I can see why it makes you worried Op. Real question is, do you think he'd go back to her if she asked?

No I don't think he would- but it makes me feel really uncomfortable as I can imagine it would be tempting to have more time with his dc etc

He’s gone from considering your feelings to not at all - that’s the problem.

Look, I am usually (hugely) not on the Step Parents side but this isn’t a tradition that you’ve waltzed in on and tried to change. This is something they’re implementing now and excluding you from - it’s bizarre. Can you not go as well? I get that it’s awkward, but if things are organically moving to much more amicable between the parents then I can only see that as a good thing but I do think it’s fair you’re involved as well.

It’s his disdain for your feelings that is more concerning - there’s been no discussion or sympathy, that’s a problem.

It's not a tradition or the existing status quo that you've moved into. The least he could have done is been upfront about it. What he really should have done is listened to and considered your feelings and explained why he feels this is important. Even if he didn't agree in the end and still did it, which Id do if it was important to my DC, he'd have at least considered you in his plans.

Sounds very odd. I’d have a frank conversation with him about whether he wants to leave and play happy families with her. If he does then I wouldn’t stand in the way as their dc would be having the chance with their parents together.

He would not be coming back to me after this.
This is not a longstanding arrangement that predates you and is ingrained in his dcs traditions and expectations of the day. . That would be acceptable.
I appreciate that in blended families sacrifices have to made and often the new partner has to compromise, especially on special celebrations.
However to spend Christmas day with your ex by choice is telling. Im sure he could spend hours with his dc and still make time for you two. What arrangements have been made previously?
Do you have any children together or do you have your own dc from a previous relationship?
Regardless I think his proposed actions speak volumes. I wouldn’t be trying to get him to do the right thing either. His intentions are clear. He wants to be with his ex not just the children.
I would consider ending this relationship now before things get even more complicated. If you have dc it’s best for them (and you) that your relationship ends as soon as ever possible.

The fact that he wasn't upfront about it and you found out after it is as well arranged is a huge red flag. If it was all innocent then why wouldn't he be up front about it or discuss it with you before setting plans with his ex. You're his partner. You should be his priority and the person he considers above everyone else. He's treating you like his side piece and an after thought then making you feel guilty about feeling a certain way about it.

You've been together together 6 years so I assume you have a relationship with his DC. Why weren't you invited along? All sounds a bit dodgy to me. Even if he wouldn't take her back he's putting her feelings ahead of yours and that's just wrong. Bin him. Find someone who actually cares about you and let him crack on with his family days out with his ex.

Yes I feel as it's all come off the back of us having a rough patch is why he didn't feel the need to talk to me about it.

I don't really know what to say to him other than surely having a full day out with your ex isn't something that is normally the right thing to do in a relationship?

And especially if there were no dc around it would be super weird?

We are so sick of fighting with each other though. It's so draining that both of us are feeling really pissed off today as another problem has come up which has the potential to ruin Christmas.

I genuinely don't know what to say. He said he wouldn't go if I didn't want him to. But I've already said he should still go.

Then after Christmas he's organising a joint party with his ex for dc and 6 friends.

That is also the first time in 6 years they've organised anything joint for DC's birthday. They've always had separate celebrations before.

In that time I've organised lots of parties for my dc together with my ex - but the difference being I invite DP and his dc to the party. And we're not invited to his precious DC's party.

I genuinely don't know what to say except stop being friends with your ex??? It seems like I'm the one with the problem and they're going to text and speak every day whether I like it or not.

As I wouldn't like him telling me what to do on that front either?

He did say what can he do to make it better? And short of cutting her out your life I didn't know what to say??

Why haven’t you been invited along? You have been together 6 years.

I wouldn’t accept my OH doing this. It would be a no from me and if he did I’d end it. Have some clear boundaries.

The fact he’s started doing this after 6 years is beyond odd.

I had a similar situation when dp and I had been together 2/3 years, it wasn’t a thing they’d done every year and he too didn’t tell me about it, actually until after it had happened, which was the thing that pissed me off - not so much the day out, but the secrecy. I didn’t understand the point of being shady about it, especially when he then told me anyway. My boundary was that in future I wanted him to communicate in advance but actually it’s not really happened like that again - they’ve attended a few school events jointly, and a few birthday dinners for the DSD now she’s older and out of party phase. I’m never involved as she wants nothing to do with me (not OW) - I think she’s regretting this now as there have been times she’s asked DP if I can help with something and he’s said no! In your circumstances, the fact that you are 6 years in and this is coming at a challenging time makes it understandably difficult and I would really have to evaluate the future if the relationship, because she is never going to go anywhere.

OP, how did you get on with it?

I have a good relationship with my ex and still spend time with him and DC for certain things (not full days out). The one time we did a joint party my DH was invited.

What your DP is doing is wrong. You’ve been together 6 years not 6 weeks, you should be included as his partner and the children’s stepmother - excluding you disrespects you and confuses the children.
Regardless of any rough patch, you’re either in a relationship or you’re not, he can’t just drop you because his ex has no boyfriend this Christmas! I’m sorry to say but he’s more bothered about pleasing her than this being about the children.
You are correct that stopping him going would make you the bad guy (it shouldn’t but of course it would), but you need clear boundaries that this was a one off and you expect him to include you in future, starting with the children’s parties

Ugh, sorry this is happening, OP. It’s awful.

He’s dropping you without a second thought with alternative plans for the whole of Christmas Day and doesn’t even have the courage to discuss it. You have to drag it out of him. He offered to cancel ‘if you want’ which immediately positions you as the bad guy if you’d said yes.

If there was nothing to worry about here then they would invite you to join them. after six years together!

And he’s now doubled down on all this with the party. Again, no invitation for you.

He is not standing up for you. He’s putting the ex’s whims above respect for you and your relationship. He should be fighting for your relationship. I’d end this asap. You deserve so much better 🌺

I think the relationship is done.. he has a serious lack of respect for you. You are miserable and arguing.

I feel sorry for his child in this matter. He's got used to having separate birthday and Christmas celebrations with his parents and now mummy is single, her and daddy are doing stuff together. He must be wondering if they're getting back together. Did you have to spend the whole of Christmas Day alone OP?

Personally I'd be calling time on this relationship as he's not maintaining healthy boundaries.

Just end it. They haven't split up sufficiently for him to be having another relationship. You're worth more than this.

Thanks for your replies- just to clarify it wasn't Christmas Day itself- it was just a day in the holidays.

We did have a good talk about it all, in the end his ex didn't go, and we agreed the process in future is that he would check with me first before making plans with her.

It brought us a lot closer together in the end. As he could see that I cared about our relationship- and I was pleased he was listening to all my concerns and prioritised what I wanted above everything else.

I have to say being in a step family is an absolute frigging nightmare isn't it?

@struggling24 Really happy to read your update. Good on your DP for listening and respecting your feelings on the matter, it’s so important.

Usually step families are as easy or as hard as the parent (partner) makes them. Sometimes mine is hard because DH doesn’t always deal with things right, but other times he does and things run smoothly. From my side, I always try to consider everyone in the family unit, so it reduces conflict.

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas and you continue to go from strength to strength in the stepparenting world

Thanks @Thelifeofawife it is so hard isn't it?

I appreciate DP making a step change difference this year, as it's soooo easy to descend into the same old grievances.

I'm trying to do a positive visualisation of this time next year, to try to get my head straight on what I want it to look like.

As soon as we hit any issue, I always think we should live separately. But I have been trying to blend our families for a reason, so I need to think what a good version of that would look and feel like for me, and work towards that.

I have to say being in a step family is an absolute frigging nightmare isn't it?

It can be, yes.

If my partner turned around said she was off for a day with her ex I'd probably leave her. But he's a real nasty man. I have this bad dream often.