Christmas nightmare

[Lucky318]

Anyone feel really miserable about Christmas arrangements because of difficult ex-partners?
I've got one dd with my partner who has older children from.previous relationship.
I do the Christmas shopping and try to make sure they have nice things that they'll like. His ex will never finalise arrangements for Christmas until the very last minute and it's always very vague. I've got a large family and circle of friends who like to catch up over the break but I never know my free days to make plans. I think he is scared to upset the ex as he's scared that she will stop contact as she did this in past but he has a court order to see children so not sure she could do that.. I find it all so silly and immature but I seethe about it silently as I don't want to spoil our Christmas or argue as I think it would suit her- a very challenging person to communicate with.. Will it always feel like a losing battle? I know blending families is super tricky but I am as accommodating as I can be often the detriment of what I would like to do. Anyone with similar set-ups.
Not sure what I want or if anyone has any tips but maybe just to make solid plans, I suppose. I have a bit of time off work and want to enjoy it! Happy Christmas all xx

Make it clear to your husband 2 weeks before Christmas what Christmas is looking like for you. He either finds his spine / balls and sets clear contact time and boundaries with his ex or he misses out on time with you over Xmas. Ain’t no way in hell, I’d let someone who isn’t in my life dictate my life. One of my biggest reasons for leaving. Don’t miss out on your life because he is too weak to stand up to her. You’ve made it clear he is your priority but clearly not a two way street

Yes, it's all a giant ballache. Marginally easier for me now because mine can drive and will come and go as they please. Technically they are with their dad this year but for the first time they're going to come here for brunch because they can!

We've got set times with my DH's ex and she's always refused to alternate years so it's a split Christmas day 😊 Which is fun for NOBODY.

I have tried hard, been really easygoing and just asked for clarity.. I have been out and about doing my own thing but the actual details of Christmas are still pathetically vague.
I agree with you and if he won't sort it out, I'll have to think twice about whether it's a life I want for me and my dd. For context, he's great in almost every other way but thus weakness is an issue x

I found it to be such an ick. I was tired of making plans for either us and she made him change them or plans for us with his children and she changed the plans all without consultation with me and I decided fuck this for a game of laughs!

Christmas for us was never an issue. His kids wanted to be with their mum and I’m sorry I didn’t want them around at Xmas. They expressed an interest in spending Xmas with me and my family because my family were great with them. There’s no kids in our family and there’s a lot of alcohol, I didn’t want to have to not enjoy my Xmas and be mindful of language and alcohol intake. Thankfully it never came up as a serious chat more a passing comment can we spend Christmas with you next year.

You said no to letting kids spend Christmas with their dad 😂😂😂

She is messing you around @Lucky318 and your DH needs to put his foot down. It’s not fair that you can’t plan anything and are left in limbo.

Are the children old enough to be asked what they’d like to do?

No, I didn’t entertain the conversation as it was passing comment and Xmas was long way off and no you goady so and so, I wouldn’t say no to them seeing their dad, I’d have said fine have Xmas at my house but I’d have gone to my families without them.

The children want to see their Dad but she works shifts it's usually around her work but she's not willing to share Christmas shift pattern etc. I think it's the element of the ladt bit of control. It does give me the ick indeed though x

This is the problem when men don't stand up to their exes. They spend their life dancing to their exes tune. I don't see why you can't make plans with your friends etc. and let him sort out his kids. Your life shouldn't be put on hold because he's doesn't have the balls to handle his ex.

Can't you go ahead with your plans anyway?

My ex spent ten years texting me asking for Christmas plans or discussing it when he saw the children then last year he decided not to do this and just turn up on ds (december) birthday and again Christmas kids are teenagers and decided no plans no open door 😒 (he has ditched them since he has got with the latest love of his life) they thought not being available might focus his attention on a text message? Or actually making arrangements? But no he just turned up on DS birthday again no arrangements made just the assumption we would be in.....we were not in I'm assuming Christmas will be the same audacity

Unless there are large distances involved can't you just make your plans and if your ex's kids are with you they can either tag along or your ex can have all the kids (e.g. if you are out with your friends)?

My dh ex never stopped us but messed about with the hours etc. I just put my foot my down eventually and said no to Xmas day we would always do Boxing Day.
Dh not that into Xmas so he was happy with that. We took back control and we had a special day on boxing day. A steak dinner and gifts - everyone was happy!

I hate being a SM - there I said it.

My DH has a contact order (which he had to get as EW dictated and stopped contact whenever she felt like it) that states every other Christmas. This year it’s our turn.

His son was meant to come this Christmas to us and everything was agreed he would (with him as the EW won’t communicate). He was coming to us Christmas Eve and then would go back to his mums on the 28th.

Then plans changed because his uncle (mums brother had arranged something for him and DSS on Boxing Day). Fine my husband said in the spirit of being flexible.

So DSS was going to come tomorrow instead and stay until Boxing Day.

DSS texts DH late tonight to say he isn’t coming (at all for Christmas) as his mum has arranged something for him Christmas Eve.

Absolutely sick of the EW organising things on our time. Absolutely no use DH trying to get DSS to come - he jumps the minute mummy says how high. And my DH is sick of begging for the scraps.

Merry Christmas to all the SM’s out there. Rant over……

You know all you’ll get is those poor children. Never mind considering how you’ve arranged your holiday around them and no doubt the expense of the shopping to accommodate said poor child! But if you were needing to change your contact you’d be the devil reincarnated. Honestly the hardest thing I ever did and fucking hated it too!

Yep - everything arranged around DSS’s visit.

DH was meant to meet him in town today to take him for lunch before heading back to ours. That was cancelled at 10pm last night via a text from DSS.

All his favourite bits have been bought / ordered - most of which will go to waste as he’s now not coming.

Christmas Eve & Christmas Day - we’ll no doubt spend the day explaining to friends / family that he isn’t with us. My DH will put on a brave face & laugh it off - but I know he’s deeply hurt & upset.

DSS will grace us with his presence when he wants his presents then bugger off.

Kids are so self centred & selfish. I know they are the product of their parenting & environment but when they have a mother who does everything to stop contact they take the path of least resistance.

Wishing you a merry Christmas.

This is what you sign up for when you have a child with a weak man who's boss is his ex.

Its a complete disaster and I can't for the life of me understand why any woman would sign up for it, much less inflict it on their child.

You and your child will always be collateral damage to his first family.

Make your plans without him.
Live your life.
Stop putting your life on hold because of her.
Leave him to his children and get on with your life.

Think long and hard about bringing more children into this mess and decide if this is really what you want for your future and for your child.

You both deserve better.