Fed up of it all

[lifeisrubbish123]

Been with my partner 5 years. Got two step daughters 11 and 12.
If you read my previous thread the 12 year old is a nightmare.
So she had a 10'day exclusion, went back for a day, for another suspension for 3 days, then was back for a day and has been suspended again,

Why aren't school doing mash referrals, counselling etc. looking at moving her school. Our whole lives are so centred around two children that don't live with us.

I have booked to take him away for his birthday this weekend and I have the daughter lecturing me, thing is it's ok when they choose to not come because they want sleepovers at their friends, but not for us to say one weekend we can't. I booked this before his days to have them changed as was originally Sunday and Monday. Now it's Friday Saturday which tbh is a pain, he's every weekend and mine go to their dads every other weekend so meant before we always had 4 nights a month completely child free, now we
Get nothing. Apparently I am selfish for wanting to go away and because I won't 'cancel my kids' as my partner puts it. It's not cancelling my kids they live with me full time, which was always the case. His never have. I don't have anyone to have my kids duen the week when my partner doesn't have his kids to go away. We can just about get my sons dad to do every other weekend let alone extra duen the week and school runs when we can go away on my child free weekend. Aibu?
It's not like I suggest it often. But my partner is so wrapped up to having them every weekend but they are getting older they won't want to spend every weekend with us and he needs to start accepting that.

Her mum is saying my SD is grounded and the SD keeps saying she can't move back with dad until she's not grounded. As that's something they agreed as mum doesn't want me to be monitoring the grounding and he works until 10'moat days. How do I say thought I really don't want her moving back in without being harsh. It really turned everything upside down last time, my kids really struggled and it's not like life doesn't revolve around her as Every lunch break etc all we get is phone calls from
The school etc xx

This is why I never wanted to be a stepparent. I just couldn't be bothered with it all. I'd rather just look after my own children and do what I wanted when I didn't have them with me. I don't really like the sound of your partner. I don't like the sound of his kids either!

Sounds like no one is on your side, including your partner. Is this normally an ok relationship? Do you get much out of it? Sounds like you and your kids would be better off without them.

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug
Up until she moved in our relationship was actually good, we had a really set routine and life and for the last 5 years that's worked for us.
She has every right to move in with him which i understand and would never want him to turn them away. But I think because he has severe abandonment issues due to being adopted etc and always feeling hard down by even now, he latched onto that his daughter lives with him
And won't leave him. She completely ruled everything when she moved in, the money he would chuck at her to get her to not want to move back to mums was obscene. Since then now she's gone back and now she has a voice and will argue he believes everything she says is gospel. It's been a busy few weeks. We did go away for my birthday November so he couldn't see them, then the following weekend we took my son to London for his 10th birthday. Both SD were invited. The youngest said she didn't want to go but was happy her dad still went and the eldest was all paid for to come. She couldn't then come as her mum refused due to the 10 day suspension. I have my partner the choice to not come but he did as he didn't want to let my son down because she wasn't allowed. But he could have seen her still half the weekend we went to London but the daughter then got a cob on because she believed he is picking everyone else over her and refused to go see him.

We are going away this weekend for his birthday which I have said to him we can cancel if she will give a load of abuse and he has said no but that I have to tell them I am stopping him seeing them (which I'm not) and that next year we are not allowed any weekends away together. I was like what if they don't come one weekend we can have a last minute weekend away. The response was no incase then they get half way through the weekend and want to come. He's allowing them to rule and believe they come above enveryrhinr but adults need time too.
September I went away on my own so that he could stay at home with his kids. Then he had a go at me for that and apparently I should want to spend time with him and his kids as I complain he works too much. I can't win. Yes it's nice to see him but I don't want my kid free weekends taken up with his kids everytime. We always had the routine off no kids every other weekend his kids routine means we now always have them weekends surely it's not unreasonable to say the odd weekend we need time for us.

He said he is going tomtell them it's my fault he can't see them this weekend. I feel like messaging them and saying I told him we can cancel the weekend but he said no. I

Honestly feel at such a loss, I don't want to just throw away 5 years but I also cannot live like
This every week. It's like when they come on the weekends and my kids are there it's like his shit gold, when actually his mother came down last weekend and she's quite prim and proper and she actually complimented me on how much better behaved ans respectful my children are. He of course wasn't happy

What a limp lettuce he is

Read up on the sunk cost fallacy.
You wont get those 5 year back whatever you do but you can walk away and stop them holding your and your dc lives to ransom.
Cancel the weekend away and work on getting yourself out of this relationship before you waste another 5 years of your life.

Don't let him set you up as the fall guy!
Given his daughters history and obviously the challenges she is presenting, he needs to remember behaviour is communication, he is letting her down really badly, unintentionally.

To be clear what I mean is he needs to go on the odd few breaks with you and extended family. That isn't the issue. The issue is he has taken actions that play right into her anxiety.

She is controlling because she is afraid of she doesn't she will be left. It is a really common issue in the circumstances and her parents need to learn techniques to support her.

When he follows her rules, she is getting the message, oh see I needed to control that situation and it becomes a cycle.

With help she will improve but at 12, sadly it is unlikely she will form a firm secure foundation.

It is going to be tricky and won't be an easy road, I have seen two friends for through it. But if the adults in her life learn how to reassure her and do take their breaks and keep their word then trust will build and her anxiety will reduce.

Not easy situation op.

Is he communicating with school? Has she had more than 15 days suspension this term? Chances are school are trying to get help but she will be on a waiting list which might be as long as 2 years. What are parents doing to support her?

Is the problem that all the DC used to be at yours at the same time but now it’s staggered and you want your free weekends back?

Was it changed so his DC could spend some 1:1 time with dad without your children being there?

TBH, weekends away are lovely but when you have kids it’s just not always possible.

Our whole lives are so centred around two children that don't live with us.

I couldn’t respect a man whose life didn’t centre around his DC, they should be considered in everything he (we as parents) do.

But you don’t need to choose for YOUR life and that of your DC to centre around his kids…

@Loadsapandas. No didn't change for that reason. It just because he decided to get a different job which they wouldn't allow Sunday and Monday off but said he could have Friday and Saturdays off. Before it worked well as his old job we had Friday nights off together. I did bugs Saturday or he took a days holiday if we went away and then Sunday he would have with kids be it both or just his and then Mondays he would have them too.
For the first 4.5 years it was that we had two weekends a month with all 4 kids and two weekends a month with no kids. As they always came Sundays. Which I had no issue; we would check our id hotels at 7am to be back for drop off at 10.
I didn't mean it nastily that about his whole
Life centring; but before it was very much we had them two days a week: it was a day routine etc but now when he comes home for his 1.5 hour lunch break as he works 10-10 most of that 1.5 hours is dealing with the school ringing about step daughter; or her mother ringing complaining she's now down XYZ. He has had weekly meetings with the school which has fallen on our one morning a week he starts later so we go out for coffee together. It's just become too much

I think he sounds like a good dad who is trying to do the right thing by his children. I don't think you are wrong either... perhaps you aren't compatible?

@crumblingschools
It's awkward. He's been communicating, yes she's has 15 days so far this school academic year of suspensions. One of them was 5 days in another school. My battle is he is very Disney dad and will go in and say they did this and this wrong and the daughter is defending herself.
So first instance school trip, she refused to do what was asked, she tried to run off and teacher grabbed her bag so she couldn't. He kicked off.
Second instance she accused teacher of pushing her down stairs and he believed her until cctv was pulled.
Third instance was she truant from class, vandalised the school, locked herself and her friends in the bathroom. Teachers were concerned so had to use a screwdriver to undo the lock. The SD punched the teacher. And all he could say to the school was she thought someone bad was coming in so defended herself. Her mum goes to the meetings and apologises for her behaviour which then winds my partner up as he's like
She should be on SD side. The issue started in year 7 and she does it at her with her mum
Too i just wish the school would do
Something else to support her.

These are just the ones I know about. I have refused to take her to get her nails done for Christmas as I don't believe we should be rewarding this so he's now saying I hate her, I'm being cruel etc. I'm not but one of us has to parent. He was giving her £400 a month when she lived with us to buy herself whatever she wanted but then we had to go without and my kids even said it's unfair we had to stop certain things to afford it.

He shouldn't be "on her side," when she's doing things like lying about a teacher pushing her down the stairs - he needs to parent her and prepare her to live in the world (unless he thinks him saying it's okay is a compelling enough argument to keep her out of prison).

He is giving a child, who is crying out for boundaries and stability, so much control and responsibility. Both parents need to step up and stick to the schedule. He might think flitting between homes on a whim is nice, but it could also feel like neither parent really cares or wants their time with her.

Whatever the parents are doing now clearly isn't working for anyone. However, you aren't going to be able to fix it, so I'd cut your losses.

He sounds like a terrible parent and an even worse partner.

OP couldn't even read all of your posts as sounds like a complete and utter nightmare. sorry your going through fhis think you have a really raw deal. Am sure you love your partner and all but is it really worth all this extra hassle? And paying his daughter to come to outings. Nah

The problem seems to be your partner not your SD - his behaviour with her is very up and down, overly generous and conciliatory at times whilst not being consistent/being unstable in how he deals with her at others (eg not cutting into his plans to support her emotionally but then expecting everyone else too and blaming them, not aligning with school/her mother/you on how to treat her, etc). She quite naturally has developed a challenged attachment with him because of that. Just try to remember when dealing with all of this that your partner and you are grownups and she is 12 years old with an unstable relationship with her father so make sure you direct your anger to the appropriate place - him. Obviously if he is failing to provide consistent boundaries (and from the sounds of it failing to provide emotional support in a balanced and grown up manner) then he is wrong and he needs to pull himself together.

Just get out of this toxic mess it will be damaging to your other children.

@LadyQuackBeth
Her mum never wanted her to move out, her mum grounds her and does punish her. But because of this the daughter feels that her mum hates her and is being unfair: so she then choose to live with her dad as things are all rosey and she gets more freedom and he believes not grounding her and just taking away her money. Which both me and her mum said isn't the answer. To be given £400 a month at her age is just obscene. She punched my partner in the face when he told her to go to bed. Like none of this is ok. And I say something and her accused of hating her xx

We are going away this weekend for his birthday which I have said to him we can cancel if she will give a load of abuse and he has said no but that I have to tell them I am stopping him seeing them (which I'm not) and that next year we are not allowed any weekends away together.

Is he for real? Right, either cancel the weekend - regardless of what he says - or go on your own to take the time out. Tell him you will not be made the scapegoat and punished for doing something nice for him, and there will be no more making things 'your fault' to placate his daughter. He either parents her properly and stays in the relationship with you, or he can do it on his own.

What's your housing situation? If you were to split would you have to move or would he?

This is why i would never date anyone with kids way to much drama.

Bloody hell, so do you see that HE is the issue? HIS parenting has thrown his ex under the bus and ruined his daughter.

The DC pattern losing you your free time is the least of your issues, how can you respect him?

That poor child has been badly raised by her father and you are blaming her for the problems he created cos he doesn’t want to drop her for a weekend away.

Yep. Go now

I feel so sorry for you on this one OP. It seems the partner is at fault here mainly and if I was you I would be ending the relationship nothing is worth this much hassle (AND she isn't even your kid)

Is any shag really worth this agro?

So he won't ever have a weekend away with you in case his kids decide halfway through the weekend the they want to come? That would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. He's letting them rule his life. Do you not get proper holidays away together either?

You need to end the relationship. It's only going to get worse. Don't think of it as wasting 5 years. Think of it as saving all those shit years ahead. Realistically, he's not a good dad. I get he had his reasons for parenting as he does but it's hurting his daughter. He needs therapy. At the moment, he cares more about being liked and wanted than anything else.

Ultimately, his kids are not your responsibility. He needs to be home when they are home. Going out on your child free weekend doesn't mean you hate his kids and him saying it does is pure manipulation. He is not only a shit dad but I imagine he's a lazy one as well. If you're there your doing his job for him and taking on the actual manual labour.

I think you need to run in the opposite direction.

Unfortunately , he'll have to reap what sows. His daughter will also suffer the consequences of his poor parenting. Poor girl probably doesn't know if she's coming or going with two parents that "parent" so different.