DP split from ex wife some years ago when my step DC very young. She instigated the split and DP admits he was blindsided and it turned his life upside down. I met my DP a year before the exw met her new DH. Ex and new DH married/moved in very rapidly after meeting and we moved more slowly.
DP and I been together many years now.
When I first met my DP, him and ex were sort of friendly on a surface level, she was making far more effort to try to be some kind of friends with him. He said it made him feel uncomfortable how she would ask him personal questions about dating and stuff and he had to say ‘hey, look sorry this is too personal and intrusive and I feel uncomfortable when you ask me these things’. He said he felt bad asking her to stop as it wasn’t malicious just awkward.
I am not a jealous person. They can be friends if they want. I have my own ex, he has a wife and I am civil and chatty to them. Birthday/christmas cards level of politeness. Follow one another on social media. Whenever is best for the kids is what is important.
When he told his exw he met me (as the mother of his kids he was being considerate) she asked straight away if she could come to our wedding! We had only just started officially dating. She wanted to hang out with him as friends with the kids, and said she had a vision everyone hanging out communally in one big happy family which is a nice concept. The kids are great we get on well.
In reality this involved her dropping by his place whenever she had free time and intruding on his personal space, asking loads of questions, getting him to do errands for her, being too early or very late back with the kids which was continually ruining his plans, so he had to put in some boundaries. They also lost a lot of money because she dropped out of something last minute. She doesn’t like his family and none of them like her much so there is no crossover everyone has to be kept separated.
She is not good at sticking to any plans as she is quite spontaneous, not very effective at communicating (will just assume things rather than check with DP). I don’t have an opinion on the reasons for this just my experience.
I have always been civil to everyone. I smile and say hi and make small talk. I don’t really know them. More and more now, as time goes on exw and her DH just seem to look straight through me, like I am invisible. Don’t say hi, don’t smile, don’t look my way don’t acknowledge my existence, walk far away from me. The kids always talk to me and maybe even hug me so this adds to it being awkward. They speak to my DP but not me. He says when I am not around they are far friendlier to him and sociable. They do things like parents evening the 3 of them, school emails with the 3 of them in a chain I am excluded. DP doesn’t know why the husband is included but its not up to him, they are her kids too, but I said I didn’t want to be copied in as it’s weird.
I try to avoid socialising with them now unless I have no choice.
I don’t know if I have done anything wrong and I’m not sure if there is anything my DP can do to improve the situation or whether it’s worth it. We have a lot more awkward birthday parties and school events to suffer through and I would prefer it if it wasn’t so bloody awkward. Would you tackle this? I don’t want to be friends but civil would be better.