DP's controlling ex

[kiana2015]

DP's ex is so controlling, they have a DS together and everytime we have him she is constantly bombarding him with texts make sure you do this make sure you do that don't go here make sure you're home for this time etc now we arranged to do a few things over Christmas take the kids places and she's saying no it's too far, what if something will happen etc I think this is really unfair as it prevents us doing things with our DD incase DS feels left out, she is so over protective which I get but it's his dad surely she can't control every little thing we do

What's any of this got to do with OP's situation?

@PippaKing I'm assuming a guess at the reasons behind why the ex in OP thread is behaving the way she does.

So making assumptions then?

For a minute, I thought you were my ex's partner. He cancels plans last minute, takes risks with out two autistic sons, and has a history of abusive towards me. His latest thing is to tell my son that I chose to send him to a specialist school because I don't care to teach him to not be autistic. I hadn't even told my son his diagnosis and he was happy, had been a school refuser, he also has PDA. After that weekend with his father, he became extra angry at school and home, all that I'd worked on with school, all the effort, all progress d3stroyed.
There is more, if she is in here, I don't care if she sees this, she needs to pay attention. She is a GP. It's shocking. I'll be withholding contact for a bit, he'll never go to court, because then it'll come out what he has done. Social services are involved

Again, how on earth is this relevant to what OP posted?
This forum really is nuts at time.

@PippaKing because if the father refuses to go to court, and would rather just not see his dc, there is always a reason...

He isn’t putting his son through anything. It’s a bit of paper work his son doesn’t have to go court. The real reason he is can’t be arsed so he is making you go along with everything instead

And there we have it.

What a surprise.

Yet another useless father who convinces his new girlfriend it's all the mums fault.

Come off it op. Wake up. What kind of parent just shrugs their shoulders if they don't see their child for 6 months? I would move heaven and earth to see mine.

I'd call it making some guesses and offering some ideas, none of which I'd consider to be cast in stone or guaranteed. That's kind of how these forums work - someone says something, the rest of us chime in with opinions and examples of what we think might be happening. Otherwise it wouldn't be a forum, it would just be a few people chatting onw hatsapp with their friends.

@PippaKing I'm guessing your DP also has a controlling, crazy ex?

Join the dots @PippaKing

This isn't difficult.

A parent who can't be arsed to spend five minutes getting to see their child is hardly going to be a good one are they?

Lets not pretend crazy ex wives don't exist. My DH has one. The difference is my DH had to go to court multiple times and the children now live with us the majority. So I absolutely hate it when I see the 'won't let me see the kids' excuse! OP partner may very well have a nutty ex but he's not bothered enough to do something about it, that is the issue.

That same friend I was talking about earlier...I have a whole story about how right now her ex is accusing her of "poisoning" their ds against him as his DS isn't particjlarly interested in speaking to him. But that's because over the summer he disappeared (blocked both the DS and my friend) for 4 weeks, the day after he'd promised their DS he'd take him fishing for a weekend.

So yes, I'm making yet more assumptions based on lived experience that if a man doesn't see his kid for 6 momnths, unlses OP comes on to tell us that he was calling his DC and his ex daily asking for contact, I'm afraid my sympathy for him is very very limited.

Absolutely. But a key indicator for "crazy ex wife" vs "man lying through his teeth" is the effort the man makes to actually see his DC and spend time with them.

Well sure. But clearly not in the case we're all talking about, ie the one the op posted.

Agreed 100 percent.

There is still a possibility the ex is crackers and OP partner is just lazy, both can exist at the same time. But I am always suspicious of parents that haven't made the effort.

It’s perfectly possible that she is controlling and this is why they split.

In a lot of cases on here, the man tells ex and new wife what he thinks they want to hear because he thinks that’s the way to a peaceful life. If this story is true then he is encouraging her controlling behaviour when he should be a stronger parent and have boundaries.

If he won’t do what others would do and go to court then your only choices are to leave him at home and take your daughter out on your own. He can stay at home while the two of you have spontaneous fun.

I live under the shadow of a controlling exw .

As all the posters here have said, it’s the man’s job to erect boundaries and if they can’t there’s nothing we as their partners can do except leave them to the consequences of their inaction.

My DP’s exw has forced him to change job, relocate and pay her generous maintenance even tho they have their kids 50-50.

The 50-50 was never formalised in court and the exw says if DP doesn’t do what she wants she’ll take it away.

If DP moves in with me, exw will take the 50-50 away. If he objects to a school choice, same. When he tries to get exw to mediation to formalise a parenting plan, exw refuses to even discuss or says he’s just trying to reduce the maintenance. She said she would prevent that possibility by just taking the 50-50 away pre-emptively before mediation started so there’s no point trying to make her go!

There are 5 more years of this at least (his youngest is 10).

I’m ok for now. I leave him to it and am happy as girlfriend. I don’t do stepmom responsibilities because if I eg married him I’d have no rights (exw would control my life too). When he says he wants ‘us’ to be a blended family with our 3 kids I say he has to neutralise the exw before I consider it. He can’t tho.

You have a dp problem. He is more concerned with appeasing the ex than with properly parenting his child. Nothing will change until he grows a pair.

Fathers have the same rights as mothers. She's only a problem because he allows her to be by not exercising his power.

And to think all this could have been solved with a £232 application to court.

Good for you for getting on with your own life and leaving him to the mess he created.

My DP has now invited the controlling ex to mediation to try and agree a consent order. They have had the children 50-50 for years. She maintains that if he stops paying maintenance (set when she was SAHM and before they went 50-50) she will give up work and take the children back.

She's refused to go to mediation or make her own financial disclosures. He will go on his own. Then take her to court. She works, has no mortgage, gets non means tested disability benefits and has no childcare costs because her parents live next door. I estimate she has about 5k a month inc maintenance. It came out in court a few years back that she had substantial savings too.

On being asked to attend mediation she sent emails claiming she needs DPs money to 'save' and told him to borrow money from his family to keep paying her.

She then texted the kids to 'invite them' back to her house on DP's contact time and promised them late bedtime, sweets, extra screen time.

This won't be quick, easy or pretty but I'm ever so proud of him for standing up. He has not been with her for 5 years. He is only standing up now.

Anyway its possible.

And also its nothing for partners to stress about. Nothing we do or say can make any difference. We can however expect men to stand up. If they don't, they may as well still be married to the woman who is controlling them. Its not a real relationship in that case.

Men do sometimes fear the controlling ex taking it out on the kids if they stand up for themselves, get court orders ex.

The sad reality though is that children of people who exert coercive control are going to be damaged somehow anyway.

Mother's who will take it out on the kids are going to emotionally abuse them regardless of what dad does. And it dad truly thinks she's emotionally abusive, all the more reason to fight for custody.

It's tragic that parents can't love their kids more than the hate their ex.