DP's controlling ex

[kiana2015]

DP's ex is so controlling, they have a DS together and everytime we have him she is constantly bombarding him with texts make sure you do this make sure you do that don't go here make sure you're home for this time etc now we arranged to do a few things over Christmas take the kids places and she's saying no it's too far, what if something will happen etc I think this is really unfair as it prevents us doing things with our DD incase DS feels left out, she is so over protective which I get but it's his dad surely she can't control every little thing we do

DH’s ex was like this - oh I’m worried about you driving on the motorway etc. She’s got anxiety and wants everyone else to do what she wants so she doesn’t worry. Issue is, it doesn’t end - they just replace the worry with another worry.

Just ignore her - she can’t dictate what DH does with his DC in his time.

I agree but when she doesn't get her way she keeps DS from visiting and won't let DP see him

Get a Child Arrangement Order then. £210 plus a mediation session plus you don’t need a solicitor.

and stop telling her your plans. You feed her “anxiety” and ruin plans for everyone. She doesn’t have a right to know what plans are unless it’s leaving the country or something.

DP won't, he says he's not putting DS through that I've tried talking to him about it many times, she stopped contact for 6 months once he still wouldn't, he'd rather just bow down to her

She literally ask every single thing we do down to where which restaurant we're going and what time train we get on

Sorry, if someone stopped me having contat with my DC for 6 months, I'd have moved heaven and earth to get back into that contact. So the fact that he let this go on for so long suggests that he's not exactly dad of the year.

Of course she shouldn't be dictating what you do when you have the child. But if she thinks he's a bit of a shit parent, that probably drives this. So it becomes a terrible vicious cycle.

If your h is asking for less than 50% custody then they won’t talk to the son if he’s very young. Your h is a fool not to protect his time with his son and bowing down to her unreasonable (abusive) behaviour.

Well that’s his loss then, but it shouldn’t be impacting what you do or don’t do with your DC.

Her mental health issues don’t control your family.

The kid won't be 'put through' anything by his parents getting an arrangement order, so your boyfriend is a failure for not sorting this.
Until he does this basic thing, decline him whining to you about his ex. It's solely his issue to fix.

Why don’t you say that you don’t know or you’ll see how it goes ? Was her controlling behaviour a reason for the divorce ? Most people will take a train depending on when they wake up or find a restaurant when they are hungry. The parents are ridiculous for behaving as if they are transporting a prisoner from A to B. It doesn’t have to be like this but your h has to stand up for what’s right.

Put his child through what? He knows it’s not like the movies right? The child doesn’t even need to know he’s doing it.
Yes the ex is being controlling for whatever reason, but it’s your dh that is your problem.
Stop letting it affect your lo or at least reduce how much it does. Live your life with your lo and let him decide if he’s going to miss out.

Is she providing detailed itineraries of her days to your h? I bet he doesn’t ask and she wouldn’t reply.

Dads are equal to mums and he doesn’t have to do as she says because she’s a woman. He is using her as an excuse to be pathetic tbh and his son and you/your dd deserve to be free of this shit.

men always say they’re not seeing their children for the benefit of the child. Can you imagine not doing everything in your power to see your dd if someone kept her away for 6 months?

its funny the thing that requires no effort, money, or parenting input is the best thing for everyone

im sure dd will be glad he didn’t get that court order and she can’t do things and dss will be glad his dad didn’t fight to see him

Do you live with this current boyfriend? He sounds like an awful dad if he lets her get away with not seeing his son for 6 months.

You're his girlfriend so not your problem. If you must get involved in his business get him to court.

Courts don’t tend to speak to children under the age of 12. They wouldn’t be aware of a court order taking place. Unless there are safeguarding issues it is unlikely CAFCASS will need to speak to them either.

I would argue to turmoil of her removing access is far more damaging to DSS than getting an order in place.

Even without an order there is no requirement to give details of anything you are doing, both parents have parental responsibility and can make any day to day decisions as they see fit. It is doing nobody any favours by not putting boundaries in place.

I have a friend who I suspect if her useless ex ever got a new partner, tha tpartner would think of her like you think of your DP's ex.

She has refused to facilitate contact with her ex at various times. Why? Because he is unreliable, regularly doesn't turn up, treats her and their DS badly. She has always said he is welcome to see their DS at any time, but due to his behaviour, she does not always step up to arrange it and she refuses to allow him to see their DS in her home anymore. In his head, she is the baddie who is keeping her away from his DS. Similarly, when he has gone AWOL for months at a time, if he returns and she does not move heaven and earth to facilitate contact, he blames her.

He has always been a pretty weak dad. Long before they broke up, she spent her days on edge if he was looking after their DS because she knew the chances were that DS wouldn't get a proper meal, would be ignored in favour of his dad being on the phone or outside smoking. During the breka up fase, she realised how much weed he was smoking so was constantly worried that he'd be driving with DS in the car while high and she wouldn't know.

The result is that yes, sometimes she tries to put things in place that, objectively, are ridiculous. eg she had a meltdown when he bought a new car because she didn't think it was safe enough and because he had to get a new car seat that in her view was not sufficient. But that anxiety, while incredibly frustrating and I'v ehad to gently tell her to dial it back a few times, is completely understandable in light of the history.

If your partner would rather just do as she says then there's little you can do about it. I'm presuming she wouldn't be into listening to your opinion on the subject?
The only thing I can think of is just be vague about what you're doing. She seems like whatever she's told you'll be upto is automatically deemed inappropriate. But after the event surely it's too late for worrying as nothing bad happened? She sounds a real pain.

Nothing will change until he chooses to do something. Doesn't sound like he's willing to.

Your partner can't be that bothered if he won't take it to court. The line about not putting DC through is practically a script, and used by parents who really can't be arsed with their children.

What does he think his child went through not seeing his dad for 6 months?

Your DH is actually making things worse for his child by NOT getting a child arrangement order. It is incredibly damaging for a child not to be allowed to have a normal, good quality relationship with a parent. Preventing her child from seeing his dad as a way to control and punish the dad is abusive. A simple administrative procedure would prevent this and if it doesn't then he will have legal protection and recourse.

And she's not entitled to know your plans. It doesn't matter how often she asks, she can just be told "we haven't decided" or "nothing much" or "we're just going to see how we feel". She can be sent updates that say "DS is happy, healthy and settled". Your DP needs to grow a backbone.

I agree with everyone else. A parent who has had contact stopped who fails to get a court order is a shitty parent. My DHs ex told him she is as stopping contact one Saturday (they had 50:50) and first thing Monday morning he was on the phone to a lawyer. We didn't get to see my DSD for 8 weeks but that entire time DH was contacting lawyers, arranging mediation and doing whatever it took to re-establish contact. The 8 weeks without seeing her dad was hugely damaging to my DSD who was 3 at the time and being told daddy was too busy to see her. DSD told us she cried to her mum and asked to see him but mummy said no. It took a long time to rebuild her trust and she used to cry of my DH left the room when she was such a secure child before. Going to court or mediation prevents trauma, it doesn't cause trauma to a child so that's just an excuse.

You're never going to be able to control the ex. But what your OH can do is put the appropriate boundaries in place. Block her while the child is with you, don't share information just because she asks. What dad does on his time is none of her business. She can only have as much control as he allows.

If he refuses to do anything to maintain the peace in your home and stop interference from his ex I would ask myself if I really want to be with someone who prioritises his exes feelings over the feelings of his partner and child.

Why is he asking 😆 She can only control what he lets her control but it’s between them so..?

There is no such thing as a parent 'won't let' the other parent see the children if it is all agreed in court. It's a lazy excuse used by lots of men. Once you have a court order in place you can just ignore the nonsense from your DH ex wife whilst the children are in your care it's got nothing to do with her what plans you have etc.
As an aside, she does sound irritating and overly anxious. My DH ex wife is an outright lunatic so it could be worse.