Step kids and husband relationship

[Notsurewhatimdoing100]

I have a step son who is 7 and a step daughter who is 17. I also have a toddler with my husband. I treat all the kids the same and have explained to my OH my reasoning for decisions I make.
my OH has no relationship with the mother and as such he likes me to go to parent teacher meetings/school plays/attend court when we have to take action against the mother of his son. I do everything a mum would do, as his son lives with us half the time, my step daughter lives with her mum full time.
my OH says he wants me involved so I am, however frequently he makes decisions which impact our family, about his son, and doesn’t mention it to me and if I ask it ends in an argument.
I realise his some will always default to his dad, that’s to be expected but am I expecting too much from my OH to include me in decisions? Or at least tell me what the plan is?
for example, last night I went into step son before bed and turned off fairy lights, my husband straight away got quite defensive and went back in and turned the on saying his son needed them (this was news to me, I have been turning them off whenever I check him and my step son has never mentioned anything to me) when I asked how he knew he wanted them on he said his son had told him. I pointed out that I didn’t know and that he (my OH) hadn’t told me and could he tell me about things like that so I know. This started him giving off, I pointed out that we discuss everything, no matter how small, about our 18 month toddler so why does he not tell me about things which affect my step son. This is just one example. There are numerous other examples, like changing his soccer practice without mentioning it so I had to rearrange other family stuff around it. It also opened the door for my step son’s mum to start causing problems which was why we had agreed to not send him to soccer on the night he changed it to.
I just feel like I am being used sometimes. I have tried to speak to my OH but it ends in an argument and he says I’m being controlling. I do the homework’s, I go clothes shopping, I’m the one who organises Christmas and birthdays for the step kids but when it suits I’m left out.
maybe I need to get used to it, I don’t know anymore
any advice would be appreciated as I feel like I can’t voice how I feel anymore

It's his DS so the decisions about him are down to your DH but he can't have it both ways, if you're expected to do everything with his DC then you should be kept up to date at least. Your DH's attitute isn't helpful, you feel used and unless he stops being so defensive that's not going to get better

No you shouldn’t get used to it. Might be his kid but he chose to share his life with you. It’s selfish and if you wouldn’t make decisions that effect him without consulting him, you’re right to expect the same back.

if he refuses and creates a them and us feeling stop all you do for sc as that’s the alternative

He (your dh) can't have it both ways. He either wants you to step in as Mumor he doesn't. He can't pick and choose when to involve you. It's confounding for you and also for his ds.

In your shoes op is leave him to it, if he's not prepared to fully involve you in decision making he can attend parents evenings, do his child admin, rearing on his own

I’m probably soon to be exiting a very similar situation.

Here what I see as most unfair:

Step kid plays up. A ‘real’ parent can say ‘we need to fix this.’ If I say it my DP reacts as if I said ‘why can’t you fix this.’

A kid is being difficult and controlling about a joint activity everyone else wants to do (common in our setup as DP’s kid has autism which is blamed for everything hmmmm). A real parent could say ‘let’s research some strategies for helping kid learn how to cooperate and handle a bit of boredom.’ I say this. DP hears ‘how did you let him get to teenage still acting like he’s 2.’

The kids needs came 2nd to arguments about what my bloody role is.

It was not always like this. It developed over time. I have given him a month to ask himself if he is able to share the load fairly or if he wants to do it all alone. I have many options for how i spend my weekends. If he wants his kids to be my business I need a stake in fair discussion and decision making. Otherwise quite frankly I am done.

You are being treated like staff. I hate to say it. I have had to say it to myself also.

Yes. No rights and no respect mean no responsibility.

Thanks all, things have deteriorated as I tired to speak to him. i pointed out that I sorted the Christmas presents etc and he reply was I didn’t do anything as he paid for it, I was the one got the lists from my step son, made my OH go through it together so we could rule in/out what was appropriate and got it ordered so there was no panic. I have also bought the smaller things for the stocking.eventually I also got annoyed and have told him I will take nothing to do with his kids anymore!

He has a very defensive attitude to you @Notsurewhatimdoing100 if he thinks because he paid then you've done nothing. If you're trying to be a good Stepmother to his DC at his request then why does he resent your input so much? Was he like this early on or is this a recent problem?

This has become apparent over the last year, it wasn’t an issue before. I’m always the one who organises school uniforms, birthdays, invite his parents and their partners for dinner…he just turns quite nasty these days. I have tried to say he should go to counselling as I am currently going to counselling myself due to work related trauma, he laughs at me and says I’m not a good example as it doesn’t seem to be helping

That's all just going to lead to resentment. He is trying to have it both ways. You are bound to feel resentful.

I managed step parenting by taking a great big step back. They had parents who could parent. I was and am their Dad's partner, then wife. It was helped by the fact me, DH and his ex all basically get on to be fair.

But he can't expect you to be there for the dull bits he doesn't want to do..it's just not reasonable.

That's uncalled for @Notsurewhatimdoing100 saying that your counselling isn't working. He doesn't appreciate all the things you're doing for his DS so I'd take a big step back, tell him in future he can do his own parenting.Unless he wants to have a civil talk about why he has such an attitude with you I can't see this relationship lasting. Silly man will have to do his own parenting then and find time for your DC

He sees you as his skivvy aupair.
Simple as that.
Drop the rope completely.
Do nothing for his children.
Focus completely on your own.
Focus on getting well and getting back to work as you will need the income.
Prepare yourself for the relationship not working out.
I'm sorry.

I have lived this. Apparently I didn’t do anything. I took 99 percent of care of his son or he tried to palm him off on his mother. I left and when his father couldn’t find another skivy he stopped having his son.