Hello
This is my first post and I’m really needing some support.
Last week we had my partners daughters over for the night - They are 11 and 10 and our routine is they stay with us 2-3 nights per week on a set weekend rotation.
I have two older girls at home, who are at uni and sixth form. Two kind and chilled kids who have their own life and a great relationship with their father and step mum.
My partner and I have lived together for five years, he moved in with me and our arrangement with his children was agreed via a court order after difficult contact barriers with their mum.
His children are two lovely, and firey wild girls who are very different to how mine were at that age… They can be quite fierce and mischievous at times and can often (or always) be quite reluctant to taking any responsibility, as a member of the family, or for themselves. For instance, they will simply refuse to help out in the house by cleaning their room, or picking up their clothes, or brushing their teeth, or taking showers. They are very confident to say “no” and mean no!
Now that they are getting a bit older, it is not uncommon for us to pick them up from school and they smell quite strongly of B.O, or their hair is matted and greasy. Personal hygiene is one of the biggest battles we have with the girls, (and I say “battles” lightly, as you will understand in a moment)
(Before I continue, I’d like to just add that we have tried all kinds of gentle conversations about personal hygiene. We have bought lovely bath and shower items to encourage and tried to set a bath/shower and bed routine etc etc etc)
Anyway, so last week the 10yo was asked if she’d like to take her shower first, or second. She said neither and told us she’d had a shower yesterday at her mums (they don’t bath or shower at their mums and after he text to ask, she had told us she hadn’t)
Her and her father got into a bit of back and forth about not telling lies and his daughter started getting so angry with him, screaming that she hated him and he was a lier and everyone just lies to make her do things. He said “okay, take this up with your mum” and asked her to call her.
She then argued with her mum for about 20 mins, begged her mum to come and get her because she hated it here and she felt scared and unsafe, and when her mum refused she told her mum that her dad had grabbed her, threw her and really hurt her. This did not happen, but of course mum had no choice but to come and remove her and her sister from our house. I think I would have done the same had one of my children ever said this to me.
This is not the first time an extreme lie has been used to get mum to pick them up. There has been a few occasions where they have told mum we have tried to hurt them, usually after they have been in trouble for something.
They have also accused teachers and other kids of inappropriate behaviour in an attempt to get out of trouble.
This makes it really hard for us to ask anything of them. Because of their reluctance to do anything or take any responsibility, and their extreme efforts to get out of things, their father is quite terrified of their mum stopping him from seeing them. (Which has happened with her other children and their father)
Their mum has now said she doesn’t want the girls returning to our home as they feel unsafe here with us and she’s happy to take us to court if it comes to it. This is a regular threat, but you never know when she’s going to stick to it)
Please help. I don’t know what we are supposed to do. In this situation, and how to manage the girls when they are allowed back.
My home used to be such a calm and positive environment when my girls where growling up, but it’s so hard to maintain that in this situation.
Thanks for reading.