DSD and communication

[TheUmberSwan]

I'm looking for takes on talking to kids when they don't want to talk.

Basically DSD (10) has a couple of times contacted DH by text ahead of a visit saying she wants to leave or arrive at our house a night early or late but that she doesn't want to talk about it face to face or give him any idea of why that might be. That's OK, she's 10. He usually suggests she comes and sees how she feels.

The one time when she has still wanted to go home early after arriving, it was fine and she did. Other times was, for example, just before we told DSD i was pregnant(she knew something was up but not what) and again shortly after our DD was born, and we thought some natural anxiety was at play both times, and it was important she still come to realise she was still important and things were OK. She seems fine once she's here.

The issue is that his ex then emails him saying he absolutely must not raise the subject with DSD and by addressing it when she's here, he's not respecting her right to say no without explanation.

He does address it when she's here, but very gently, saying its important for us to understand how she's feeling and that nothing she says will make him angry or stop him loving her. I don't think kids should be able to just say what they want without further discussion although I absolutely think they should be listened to. What do others think?

There is a very bitter history between him and his ex and contact is by court order. EOW and 50% holidays. He'd be happy with more but fought hard to get that.

Is she trying to please both parents?

I definitely think there's a good chance thats happening. I don't think DH's ex has ever actively bad mouthed him to her, to be fair to his ex. But I can believe DSD knows there's acrimony, and I think she deals with it by strict compartmentalising

So she ask for space and it's overrode by her father? Why can't he accept her wish without interrogating her?

She is entitled to some degree of privacy. Given her mother is aware she has adult involvement so he needs to but out. Or she may decide to not come.

Even if her parents were together there are plenty of situations where a child may confide feelings with one parent.

I have a sixth sense that something is going on at mum’s house and this behaviour and refusal to talk doesn’t really have anything to do with you and her dad.

It's not really a good idea unless you are prepared for it to take all day and deal with the consequences.

I have adult children.

There are times I have made my kids talk because I was worried about them but the quid pro quo is that you then have to do significant emotional support and help them deal with the situation,

Don't assume that just because she is 10 the situation will necessarily be easy to deal with.

When the pp talked about 'people pleasing' she probably meant the dad, OP. It's well known that children try to please the non resident parent more as that's the parent they are naturally less secure with. Add to that a baby and she probably feels really insecure in your home but unable to articulate herself.

I think your husband just needs to let her control communication. Let her raise the subject if she wants to and if she doesn't let her drop it. I don't understand why he feels this if her feelings are for him to 'fix' and it will be massively invalidating her feelings and boundaries.

She does not need to explain.

She is not comfortable doing it face to face, which is why she’s texting and then you and her dad are questioning her over it.

It’s actually cruel and she’s going to soon want to stop coming at all.

She’s obviously told her mum how uncomfortable it makes her, the mum has told him not to do it but yet he carries on?

You don’t think kids should be able to say what they want without further discussion??
Bloody hell!
You and DH both sound awful.

No means no.
And a MN gem - No is a full sentence.

No one should have to explain themselves further, especially a 10yo.

At 10 years old, children do not understand the ramifications of severing a relationship through their own choice. Lots of children go through difficult spells when their parents are separated and there may be signs of alienation. I agree children’s thoughts and feelings should be validated, but as parents - either parent needs to know what’s going on for their child, not just be ‘told’ by their ex not to discuss it.

His ex is telling him how to parent on ‘his time’, what if next month DSD says she doesn’t want to come at all, no reason given, but nobody can ask her why or what is going on for her… no, he doesn’t have to agree to ex’s demands (likely influencing DSD) he can gently ask DSD, even by text and try to leave room and time for open communication with her - 1:1 time, for her to share with him what she is finding difficult.

It would help her more for you to just accept her feelings and reassure her that she has your support instead of pressing her so that you get to understand something better. She probably doesn’t understand all her feelings herself, especially not enough to be able to explain. Let her do what she needs to do.

Your point about insecurity makes me really sad, but I think you may be right. She's such a lovely big sis to DD, maybe I overlook how big a change it's been for her

I think it's not quite fair to say he's trying to fix her feelings - when i said he addressed it with her, he just reiterated he loved her, she wasn't going to make him angry, knowing how she feels is important to him and he checked in with what she wanted (which has changed in the past). No 'whys' or 'what's going on?' or any big open questions.

The consensus here is clearly to back off a bit though, and I'll take that on board. I don't participate in these conversations anyway, but will feed back to DH.

I think some of the comments here are a bit odd. She’s a 10 year old child, not a 20 year old adult. If there is an issue with her coming to her dad’s house then that needs to be discussed not just blindly accepted/ignored.

So a child gets no privacy or autonomy? Exactly how are you going to mandate child to answer something she has stated she is uncomfortable discussing?

What is there to talk about? Why can’t she just come or leave early now and then? Surely it is a minor change of plan due to other commitments in her life- school, friends, sport/hobby things her mum wants her to do? I feel like you guys may be pathologising normal flexing of plans to make it about you and new baby. It’s not easy for a child to do 50/50 shuttling between two homes and keeping up with their own lives. As her dad, I’d only be telling her she is welcome anytime for however long she can stay and that you’d do everything you can to be flexible.

Is the DSD getting any counselling? An acrimonious divorce isn’t good for a child. Talking to one parent can be seen as a betrayal of the other parent or taking a side. I’d encourage the DSD to have a therapist they can talk to who is on their side.

I think 10 year old children have a fairly limited right to privacy, particularly if they wish to change plans for seemingly unknown reasons.

Whilst it can’t be mandated, encouragement to work through feeling uncomfortable to be open about what the root issue is, would most likely benefit everyone involved.

But it isn't unknown, it's known by the mother 🤷‍♀️. The child could have issues with the siblings, the fathers relationship, or a personal issue, periods ?

If her mother is aware what's the issue?

The issue is that the mother doesn’t have the good grace to communicate effectively with her daughters father, with whom she is meant to co-parent 50:50, and is encouraging a dynamic in which a 10 year old child has the same autonomy as an adult.

She might have a mother like mine who would beat us all if we didn’t do as she said, which included cutting short our time with our dad with reasons that are “private so the children don’t want to discuss it with you”.

So you want the child to not be able to say something to her mother in confidence?

Then the child doesn't have any adults she can discuss embarrassing or indeed shameful feelings ever!

I don't know any family that doesn't respect a child's right to have that space.

Abuse is awful, I am an SA survivor.

But I am reading the posts as clearly indicating the issue is at dads.

The issue was disclosed to the mother. That indicates to me it isn't about the mother 🤷‍♀️

9/10 times, parents who are together will not “keep the confidence” of a child and not share a concern with their spouse, particularly if it directly relates to them in any way.

The mother here appears to be utilising an issue for her own end, rather than encouraging her daughter speak to her father or indeed, giving her father any idea whatsoever as to what the issue is and how it might be resolved.

@SemperIdem that isn't my experience nor any mothers I know. Most wonderful women will say regularly that their daughters disclose feelings to them and they don't want their fathers knowing and no they would discuss their balancing of their daughters privacy over anything else 🤷‍♀️