Merging Families

[LJ1607]

I have 2 girls aged 12 and 10 and a partner of 1 year who has a 9 yo daughter. We don’t live together but are spending more and more time together. They always come to my house as I have more space.

It’s very clear we have quite different parenting styles and I am interested in how others make it work. I try to set clear boundaries for my dd’s and while I don’t think I am too strict certain things are very important to me. Good manners, sitting together and enjoying a family meal and not leaving until all are done and respecting other people’s things. My partners daughter is very fussy eater and hardly eats anything, isn’t used to sitting at the table and generally seems to have been allowed to do a lot of what she wants. She gets very stroppy when she has to do something she doesn’t want and I don’t feel like her Dad is firm enough at times. For example, she refuses to wear a school skirt or proper trousers to school and so she is allowed to wear leggings. My children wouldn’t be given a choice.

We have talked about living together and that we would need to align on house rules if we did but I am interested in how others have done that? I am in no rush to live together but even when we spend the weekend together I feel like we should start to set some boundaries. I want his daughter to feel welcome and not become a nag about rules etc but her behaviour does bother me.

There was a similar thread a few weeks ago and the over riding response was don't do it. One of the major issues you read about on the step-parenting board is when parenting styles don't align. It just doesn't work and it'll only end up causing resentment. Things will probably only get worse at the girls hit the teenage years.

You are right in that your parenting styles would need to align and you would need to agree on house rules for everyone. It's not fair to have different rules between the kids. I wouldn't even think about it until your OH shows he can parent more effectively and not just let his DD do whatever she wants. But with respect, it's completely his choice how she chooses to parent so unfortunately you don't get to have a say in it. Whilst this probably means living separately until the kids are grown it's better than trying to force it to work and making everyone unhappy.

It's worrying the amount of kids being raised with very little boundaries. They're going to get a shock when they enter the real world.

How would this benefit any of the children? Why should any of them have to suddenly switch to different styles of parenting to suit a new arrangement?

This.

Sorry but this has disaster written all over it. (And I say that as someone who is in a blended family). It can’t work if you have different parenting styles.

Thanks for the responses. I wouldn’t do it unless we were aligned beforehand and I will discuss it more with him. I think he’s very used to it just being the 2 of them and it’s maybe easier to fall into having less structure, as he pointed out he doesn’t have even have a dining table. If we can’t have a similar approach I agree it won’t work.

Obviously even parents with shared children have their different styles, but it adds another element of complexity when they aren’t your children but you have to spend a lot of time with them.

The difference between those with shared children's though is that there is usually some kind of compromise and all the children are treated the same. With stepkids there will be a clear divide between your kids and his. Can you imagine the resentment caused when your kids have to keep their room tidy, do chores and pick up after themselves when their step-sister doesn't. And any time he doesn't agree with something he can play the "well she my child" card.

Maybe try to work through baby steps first - i.e. aligning some aspects enough that the weekends work better (and by aligning i basically mean him setting better boundaries though that's probably my own bias). If you can bring your styles together over time it might work - but otherwise I think its super difficult until they are much older.

Aimtodobetter I like that idea. Neither of us are in any rush with this so I think good to gradually align more. It would be confusing for the children if we did anything quickly anyway. Last thing I want either is us moving in together and suddenly having a big clash over our styles.
I think he’s open to making some changes and would agree when there are 3 children you have to have structure and clear boundaries as other it would be chaos!

Illpickthatup Totally agree. We have already discussed and agree how we couldn’t have different approaches. It’s how we bring this together as we are quite different in style at the moment.

We have discussed working with the kids to set house rules as I already have done this with mine and it works very well as they are brought into them. Be interesting how his daughter engaged with this idea though!

Would you get getting a new place together or would they be moving into your house? That's something else you need to think about. If you all get a new place together then everyone is starting a fresh. New rules and boundaries can be discussed and laid out. If they are moving in with you if could feel to your kids that their home is being disrupted and to him and his DD that the house isn't really theirs.

Are you also open to making changes? Your parenting style is very different, and I get it because I'm more similar to you.

Just because to us it seems the right way to do things, doesn't in everyone's eyes make our way better.

The change couldn't just come from him and his child.

We have talked about it being my house. I only brought my place 3 months ago and I really want some stability for my dds now. Which is why if they did move in it would be at least 6mths maybe a year away.

My partner has been pretty involved in this house though, looking round it before I put an offer in, helping me chose furniture etc. Have tried to make his daughter feel at home too in the spare room as let her pick out some stuff for it and will let her chose the colour when we decorate.

Only other option would be for me to rent my place out and we rent somewhere together, but that would be more expensive than my mortgage is and I don’t want to have to move my kids again as this is second house since I split with their Dad 2 years ago.

Ime he isn't prepared to actually parent his dd. He won't place rules and boundaries making him less fun to be around. Ime your dd's will become resentful of her and both of the adults... My ex had a dd in between my dd ages... She did exactly as she pleased or demanded to return to her dm. My dd's watched in horror as she got her own way on everything whilst they sat at the table and ate the prepared meal. She demanded shite which dh duly delivered.. Glad to see the back of the whole shit show tbh. Don't make your dd's compromise on their relationship with you to appease a bad df and a bratty dc...

There's no way this can go well and will end in tears.

Walk away now with your sanity intact.

I think house rules is a fair way to start it but also maybe discuss if there areas that your partner feels you are too strict on that you can also compromise on to meet towards his parenting style.

House rules i think isn't necessary a partner/step family thing for example in my house our children are allowed to ask to leave the table once they've eaten their dinner. My best friend house rules is that you wait till everyone has eaten. My 4 year old son has been told this when he goes round there for playdate and I say that's xxx house rules so we follow that. He understands that so I'm sure a 9 year old can too!

It sounds like you want her to co form to your rules because yours are better rather than your children taking on board any of DP’s rules.

In my experience you are looking at a couple of years to give them a real stretch of stability in there own home before you invite anyone else to live with you full time. You have only been there for 3mnths, another 6mnths even a year is very soon to make such big changes.

Have you discussed with the girls how they would feel about this? Do you think they would want this too? Because I do think that unless they are also signed up to it it will be hard as you are on the cusp of the teenage years. Trying to make his DD conform to rules this late could really backfire.

I have a four bed house and my partner has a two bed flat, we have three teens between us and we know we won't live together for a long time if we do want too. A weekend with all of us at mine fine but merging three teens together would just be a can of worms for us all.

Thanks everyone for your responses. Given me plenty to reflect on.

I definitely wasn’t expecting him to make all the compromises and I know we would have to meet each other part way.

It could be a long time before we end up living together, maybe never if we can’t align on things, but I was keen to hear from others on how they have made it work. At this stage it seems like a minefield and so much change has happened for me and the girls over last few years it’s probably best to settle life down for a while. I am quite enjoying having my own place at the moment anyway, so certainly won’t be rushing into anything. 6-12 mths was the absolute minimum before I think we could consider moving in together, but I think it’s likely to be quite a lot longer before we make the move.

Does she have sensory needs - fussy eater, wearing different clothes?

You split from their dad two years ago, that is no time at all. Before that, they had the disruption of the pandemic. Put all of this on hold for at least 5 years!!

You need to put the brakes on a bit, he’s a boyfriend of a year, he’s getting that involved in the buying of your house, you’re letting his 9 yr old has input into the colour scheme of the spare room ( presumably thinking ahead to when it might be her room?). It’s too much too soon, already there are mismatches in approach in the times you are together, and nearly always at your house umh! Be honest how much is it him pushing for you all to live together? Don’t feel pressured no matter how much he says “ it makes sense”, time to iron out some off these differences is now, at least that way you can see if it’s going to be possible before he actually moves in and it’s a nightmare.

My partner has been pretty involved in this house though, looking round it before I put an offer in, helping me chose furniture etc. Have tried to make his daughter feel at home too in the spare room as let her pick out some stuff for it and will let her chose the colour when we decorate.

So this was all happening 9 months after meeting? And he always comes to yours. It sounds like he has set his sights on moving in. Does he have his own place with a bedroom for his DD?

Any mismatch on parenting styles is going to x1000 when you live together, especially as all three hit teen years.

How often does he see his DD? And how much of that is quality 1:1 time?

Your examples are concerning because they are not my way of parenting. And I wouldn't be changing it for any man.

Plenty of children are fussy eaters it's hardly unusual. Let her eat within reason. We know mandated food and meal behaviour can impact disordered eating.

If she is more comfortable in leggings and the school nor her father has issues why do you feel she should conform to your interpretation of the school rules?

Plenty of parents have their boundaries set at different levels and plenty of children need more space to be.

Interesting that you seem to think that you and him being more aligned is only mentioned with respect to his daughter.

You've only been together a year. If he lets you wade in and lay down the law for his dd, he's a shit dad.

So what if you wouldn't let your daughter choose what she wears to school. Him respecting his dd's choice of clothing and food is none of your business. Maybe he feels you're too strict and inflexible over little things that don't matter. What are you going to do, force him to force the girl to eat and wear things she doesn't want to eat and wear?

Blending would be a disaster.

does she have some extra needs around sensory sensitivities? Fussy eating and finding certain clothes tricky are an indication. Is dad invested in figuring out how to support her more effectively - that would be my starting point rather than here’s new boundaries because you now have step sisters and aren’t they well behaved unlike you, which sounds like the message she will receive. I imagine she isn’t going to react well to that - regardless of aspects of that are true! Sounds like lots of discussion and potentially a family therapist could be really helpful in thinking in through to ensure it works for all of you - it’s also worth thinking about what equality means to you - is it the same for everyone or is it meeting individual needs fairly?

DONT DO IT.

He's probably thinking he's landed on his feet. Nice space for his kid. Of course he prefers your house, more room, more rules, better parenting and company for his child.
You said yourself that your kids need stability, I wouldn't be giving up anymore of their space anytime soon.

Your DPs child might have some sensory issues (fussy eater, aversion to certain clothes/uniform) - those things can be harder to change.