I need a little bit of advice

[PrinPeach]

I'm a first time step mum (25) to a lovely little 3 year old boy. Me and my partner have recently started having him every other weekend as my partners working hours have now changed to thankfully allow this. The first few weekends ran smoothly but recently he has started asking for mummy and crying on and off all day. I obviously understand that it is completely normal for his age range and that all babies just want their mummy. I'm seeking advice on the best way to soothe him. I currently tell him that mummy will be coming to collect him Sunday morning and that he can look forward to seeing her soon. This works but then after 20 mins or so he will be asking where mummy is again and crying. How can I help him navigate his emotions? Any advice is welcome :)

What does his dad do to soothe him?

He also lets him know that mummy's coming on Sunday and that he's here to play with us this weekend and have fun!

His dad needs to work on building a bond with him so he can soothe him and his son feels secure in his company.

How much contact did he have before he started coming on weekends?

It may be too much for the lad at the moment. He may be better off going back to day visits and then building up the relationship from there rather than having a distressed child.

I think while this is going on you need to tell his mum. It would have torn me apart to think my child was crying for me at that age. A weekend can feel like forever to someone that small.

Tell her you are very happy to have him if she is comfortable but you wanted her to know and maybe you can build the time up more slowly. Provided you make it clear you are happy to continue having him if that’s her wish, i think it can only build trust that you are aware of his feelings when in your care. Lots of people would be too proud to tell her.

His mum is well aware of the situation. She still wants the weekends to go forwards.

It sounds like too much too soon, poor baby. You can't go from nothing to a full day, maybe he needs to start spending an hour here and there with him and then build it up.

Poor wee boy. If he’s crying on and off all day it’s too much. You partner needs to talk to his mum about changing the arrangement and building up more slowly.

@Calliopespa that's not OPs place whatsoever. It's on the two parents to communicate and raise their kid, not the fathers current girlfriend.
Can your boyfriend parent his kid on the pitiful 4 days a month he sees him? He should be spending one on one time with the child.

At 25 years old, with the world at your feet, does it serve you to be dating a part time dad, watching a child in despair? This is so sad, for the child and for you.

I really meant the dad. But as it’s op asking I conveyed it to her.

But if the mum isn’t bothered it’s not a useful idea anyway. Poor little boy.

He’s 2. He doesn’t know when Sunday is!

You’re so young for this sort of responsibility. My DS is 24 and I can’t imagine him having to take on the care of someone else’s child.

Honestly step parenting is the hardest thing, even in my 40s as a mum myself, I couldn’t hack it. You need to let the dad do the parenting, otherwise he will take you for granted. Let him work out how to parent his own child, and you can either be in the background to support him, or go out with your friends and leave him to it.

Don’t take on the emotional burden of a toddler missing his mum - he needs to build a strong relationship with his dad to be happy staying there, but even as they grow up, kids will miss their other parent. It’s up to your partner to work out how to minimise that. If the kid’s mum is happy with him going from not staying at all to staying overnight at the weekends then I guess he will eventually get used to it. But you’ll need a different tactic to just saying mummy will come back, as every moment she isn’t coming back will feel like a lie.

Fun isn’t really a substitute for the bond he has with his mum. I’d suggest your DP needs to read some parenting books to understand what to expect emotionally and developmentally from a child of that age and as he grows.

Kids this young don’t have a well developed concept of time. Saying mum will be back to pick you up on Sunday works for twenty minutes because he’s understood she’ll be back soon but he can’t conceptualise the difference between twenty minutes and 24 hours. You need to break it down into the different activities that are going to happen between when he asks for mum and when she’ll be back. So if it’s Saturday morning you say she’ll be back tomorrow morning. First we’re going to go food shopping, then we’ll have lunch. Then you’ll have a nap, then after your nap we’ll go to the park. Then we’ll come home and you and dad will play trains, then we’ll have dinner, then Dad will do you bath and put your pyjamas on and brush your teeth and read you story and you’ll have a big sleep and in the morning you’ll have breakfast with us and watch an episode of paw patrol then mum will be here to pick you up.
Then every time he asks you reiterate the steps that haven’t happened yet. It helps if a big part of the routine is really predictable. It doesn’t matter if the activities vary a bit week to week but if there are things he can rely on always happening - like his Dad doing bath and story before bed - then it will help him to understand.

He’s only three, this routine is very new. You need to just give it time.

My DSDs were a bit older when I met them but we dealt with them missing mummy by allowing them to call her on one of our phones if they wanted to. (DH would message first and see if it was OK and she would do the same if they wanted to talk to him because they co-parent like adults before people get irate at disturbing her).

We also allowed them to make a present for mummy - just something small like if we made cake giving them some to take home for her or picking a bunch of daisies from the park or drawing a picture for her. I think this helped. I also never discouraged them from talking about her to me if they wanted to.

So this little boy has only recently started staying with you as not possible previously due to DP's work? And now 24 year old you is taking on the responsibility of soothing him? His dad needs to step up and if i were you, i'd run a mile.

Given his age, it is understandable that he only recently graduated to fill weekends. Hopefully this was a gradual ramp up from frequent day visits. if it wasn’t, then the parents really need to go back a step.

as for the weekend, maybe try visual timekeeping. Instead of saying we are going to see mom on Sunday, put together a visual calendar with pictures of the weekend plans. Dinner, playtime, sleep, breakfast, park, lunch, … mom.

Bless you.
Maybe create a visual timetable (just symbols) so he can predict now and next?

Well it's either a case of wait it out and he gets use to it. Or do 1 night every week so say pick up Saturday morning and return Sunday morning

Some people are being overly critical here of you. I was 21 when I met my husband's 2 year old. I wasn't mothering him upon first meeting him but I certainly wanted to help soothe him and talk to him if something was making him sad. I don't have any advice, I'm afraid, as I only ever remember my SS asking for his mum on a couple of occasions when he was young and that was when his dad had told him off but it was soon forgotten. I know my SS used to cry for his dad and occasionally we'd get a phonecall where he'd reassure him he was coming back for him soon but a lot of the time we weren't told - we heard it from SS as he got older. If your partner is keeping the little one's mum in the loop and you are reassuring him then that all sounds positive. Maybe they could make her a picture one time? Could be a nice thing to do. Also, what a previous poster said about laying out what will happen between now and going back to mum's so that the plan is there. I do it now with my daughter when she is looking forward to something or when she is sad that her dad is out at work even, I talk her through the chunks of the day that will happen before she gets what she wants.

Thank you to you and a few others for sending kind replies, I will be using the board with pictures to see how that helps. I cannot believe how hostile and unhelpful some people are on this forum. I turned to Mumsnet because I was feeling lonely and was hoping there would be helpful people with warm advice. Half of these replies have been people jumping to conclusions about my partner and commenting on my age. I am well and truly baffled.I definitely won't be using this forum again. The anonymous aspect of this platform clearly makes it easy for some women to rip others down and I am 100% not a fan at all. I think a few people need some self reflection in all honesty.

At his age he won't have the same concept of time as us, and he won't be able to conceptualise the days of the week as would; can see you have best intentions but saying she will be back Sunday won't mean anything to him.

It's a huge change for him, his dad needs to build a bond with him, being a father doesn't intrinsically mean he knows him or is comfortable around him- and that'll take time. In the interim it's finding something to bridge the gap whilst this bond is built (and your partner needs to be dedicated to this and work at it), different things work for different children though. Some would respond well to one of their toys with mums perfume on (some would find it worse), some would find it nice to video call once a day on the phone (some would find it worse) etc. Over time as the bond builds those could fade.

I certainly was not 'ripping' anyone down. I hope you can carefully consider if dating this man is truly in your best interests.

His dad needs to work really hard at building a bond. That doesn’t mean no rules, Disney dads are not good dads. It does mean he won’t cop a break on his dad weekends now, you just need to make sure you step back and remind him his child really needs him. Dad goes to the shops, child goes to the
shops. Dad hangs out washing, child ‘hangs out washing’ with him.

What a bizarre thing to say to someone you don't even know. I certainly didn't come on here for relationship advice and quite frankly it's none of your business. My partner is extremely present on the weekends. I was asking for this advice for me to learn different techniques. He does all the 'normal' fatherly things and we are there to support one another whenever needed. Jumping to conclusions as you have is absolute madness. My step son has had a lot of routine change recently on his mother's side as well to no fault of her own, such as a relationship breakdown and having to move in with her parents again and beginning full time work. His younger sibling has a different routine to him with their father (different dad) which I think he finds confusing. He has FOMO that his sibling is getting mummy's attention when he is not there. On top of starting this routine with me and my partner also.

Just be supportive of your partner if he's already working on building that relationship OP, don't put pressure on yourself, it's a tricky situation and you can tell you care about the child otherwise you wouldn't be on here asking how to help. Reality is that there isn't a magic or quick fix, but I'm sure you'll all get there.