Experience of being villainised?

[Rockabyeb]

Hi All,

I'm at my wits end and looking to hear if anyone has had similar experiences and how they navigated through it.

I'm really struggling with my SD. I've been in her life since she was 4. SD is 11, just started school, has started periods and is very volatile. She has been through an extremely hard time with her Stepdad. We found out early in the year that he had been mentally abusive to her, the mum has since left him but she's been through a huge amount of upheaval and had to move. Of course my OH has been trying to support her through everything as well as myself. Making our home a safe space where she has her own space and room and a family environment with nurture and boundaries. SDs attitude can be terrible, she can be extremely rude and the way she speaks to her father is really bad. I do pick my battles but it does get to a point where I do step in and set boundaries of what is ok in our home! I set the same standards as I do for my own DD! To be clear I never ever shout or raise my voice but I speak to her firmly and hold her accountable for her actions. This has been consistent before we knew what had been going on with stepdad and although she's been through a hard time we feel accountability is important and helping her navigate what she's going through.

Now SD had told dad she doesn't want to come here anymore and it feels like it happened all of a sudden! She's telling him she hates him and doesn't want to come to ours anymore. She's then blocked her dad so he can't contact her and when her mum asked her to unblock him she just messaged saying she wasn't coming here and she hates him. She then said that I "piss her off with the things I say "... and has started to say I don't like her and keeps pointing fingers in my direction. I'm at a bit of a loss! This is literally after I took her bra shopping and sanitary towel shopping to make sure she had what she needed and didn't have to ask dad, asked her to be bridesmaid at our wedding which she now says she doesn't want to be one because she doesn't like my colour choice... I'm seriously worried about being turned into a villain and it coming between me and my fiancé. I've said to him that maybe before she agrees to come back over and stay that he just goes over on the weekends and spend time with her for the day so he can start to rebuild the foundation with her before reintroducing her into the family environment. She seems to be holding a lot of resentment towards me and her little sister which is really sad. I also can't help but feel a bit of anger to this whole situation which I feel really bad about! I feel I've done a lot for her and everything has been thrown back in my face, shamefully it's almost making me feel less empathy towards her and the situation which I feel awful about! But now weekends are going to be very split with my fiancé not being able to spend time with us altogether. SD had made it clear she will see her dad but doesn't want to see me or her sister. I feel she is splitting the family, and I can't help but feel it's intentional. Has anyone had a similar situation? Did it get better and how did you navigate the situation? Also did it change the relationship with your step child as I do feel an element of trust has been broken from my side so (although I'm the adult) I do feel like I'll have barriers up moving forward! And almost feel like I may have to started documenting conversations so it's not twisted!

Sorry this is really long haha 😝

She is lashing out, pre teen, hormones, periods etc.

Give her space and time and do not take it personally. She probably needs some counselling and therapy to talk through her feelings.

She resents her ittle sister because she does not live in a split home and will not have to go through what she has and is going through. Who knows what she says to her Mum. She is jealous and sad

Agree counselling to help her adjust to a sense things are not as she would like them. But careful counsellor doesn't indulge her. Kids often react badly to situations they tolerated when young. Easy to think when they have teenage issues that if home circumstances were different they would be different..

You need to be patient with her. Not a door mat but patient. She's in pain. She's lashing out. She probably does resent you and your daughter because she has to share her dad with you but you guys get him all the time. It's not fair. Her father should have been there to protect her from her stepdad - in an ideal word he would have been. She's learning hard lessons at a young age. Try and be more understanding and encourage your fiancé to spend as much time with her as possible. If her parents get bit wrong ... the next 10 years will be painful for you all.

Thank you, I believe she is getting counselling now and the school have supported.

Great point and also what I've thought. We did have issues with her and her attitude before this happened.

He would have protected her if he could. She lives an hour away and the relationship between his ex and him isn't great. She completely shut him out of everything and would tell him nothing when he asked and SD told him nothing. He would always try and check in but got nothing from SD. I think she was frightened to tell anybody even other close family. Her mum worked nights and she would be home alone with SD and we think that's when the majority happened. We still get very little information and dad was actually at sea when it all came to a head. I had spent the day with SD and took her out for the day to drop her off and the police be at the door. I went to the door with SD to make sure she was safe and then mum messaged me the next day saying SD had been arrested for domestic abuse towards her. Nobody had a clue about any of it as believe me he would have protected her.

The poor girl. It isn't your fault but she is probably as she ages processing the abuse now.

Subconsciously she may be blaming DH for not seeing the abuse and protecting her. She will likely be blaming herself also.

It may be helpful for her to attend counselling with her father. Has he had a very frank conversation with her about his feelings? Maybe she needs to know that no matter how she behaves he is there 100% no matter what.

She has unfortunately through a very horrific time, and like a lot of abuse victims the impact goes on for a lifetime and hits differently at different ages.

Nobody had a clue about any of it as believe me he would have protected her.

I think you’re missing the point.

I think time will be a healer in this case.

she’s been through an awful lot and now that it’s over and this awful man isn’t in her life anymore it’s probably all hitting her and she’s confused and lashing out.

You and your husband are the safe space in her life and unfortunately that’s where kids tent to act up and lash out.

I wouldn’t push anything for now. Maybe make sure your husband is saying “step mum says hi and that she misses you” when he spends time with her and given time she will calm and come back.

This sort of behaviour is unfortunately fairly normal in children who have been abused.

They don't know who to trust.

The abuse has damaged them and they aren't sure who might be an abuser in the future.

They tend to over react to setting boundaries and normal telling off.

It's also very common once it is over for them to blame family members who they feel "should" have protected them. Abuse is horrendous. It has a massive impact on a child.

You might find it helpful to get support yourself as standard parenting techniques are likely to backfire/not work.

I have experience of supporting my ex partner when he was villanised very public ally by his daughter. She also manipulated other family to estrange from him. He needed professional counselling, GP care and legal advice as it repeated across a few years.
More recently she reached out to him and reconnected, then became queen pin in drawing other family members back. Over three or four months of constant online contact he tried to visit her. She constantly found excuses. I took position I do not want this adult woman in my home. She made that an issue and I find myself villanised by his children and their partners despite being one who repaired her damage. I have learned blood is thicker than water, the exception being his parents and siblings who share my view privately but try to stay onside with him. I ended the relationship as when she disappointed or stressed him with her drama he became irritable and took it out on me.
I would caution anyone against relationship with challenging step children. Fathers are particularly susceptible to daughters and mix in the guilt they feel it's toxic. No matter how much of a love bond you think you have with your partner you will come second. This is how it should be and with well adjusted normal children works well. But check out the children and if there are signs partner has an unhealthy relationship with them "step" away.