I feel stupid! Man-child DH, DSD and new puppy! Of course it would be this hard!

[AliceInMiseryland]

I feel very stupid, and totally at the end of my tether. Got married earlier this year to a man with a pre-teen daughter (mum's barely in the picture - minimal supervised visits). I get on well with DSD, but everything has become so hard lately.

I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how hard and I just can't cope with it. And it all seems to have got worse since the wedding and with DSD approaching teen years. Every time I do something in the house I have to tidy up before I can start (like having to clean kitchen surfaces because whoever used them last left them dirty), when I ask my DH to do things he forgets, my DSD can't think for herself and she always asks me not her dad (she went to get some fruit out of the fridge and had to ask me what to do as there was a bag of lettuce on top of it - lift it up, take the fruit, then put it back?!?), I seem to have ended up with all the child admin (I don't want her to miss out because her dad is incompetent), I am working a 50-60 hour week at present mainly from home as work is so busy, doing most of the cleaning, washing and cooking (until recently when I have just cut back to bare minimum - running out of knickers I'll do a wash; I'll eat later, he can sort out DSD).

To add to that, we decided to get a puppy (I already had cats), who I already love dearly, but even the dog trainer I go to has said he is one of the most difficult puppies he has come across - lovely, but so excitable about everything and a total lack of focus. Before we got him, my DH said he had grown up with dogs so it would be fine, he'd do all the walking, and my DSD said she was used to dogs (she's actually rubbish with dogs and behaves in a way that just winds him up). It turns out, yes my DH grew up with them and he'd walk them, but he didn't train them, he didn't figure out what to feed them, he wasn't involved in anything vet related. So yes, who's trying to get this creature under control, yours truly, and I've never had a dog. I have got to the work in reading, researching and watching videos, and have got him to sit, stay, to stop puppy biting (manly), and found a puppy/dog training class. I know puppies mess in the house, but the number of times it happens on his watch is crazy. I'm up early every morning to do the first shift, as my DH stays up late anyway, so he does the last trip outside when I'm in bed. We spend about 3 hours in bed together and one of us is asleep.

I'm exhausted, I feel like I'm doing this on my own, I'm lonely, I'm grumpy, I'm a nightmare to be around, I don't like who I am right now, always complaining. I cry every day, I'm always angry. I have little time for me, and I just end up playing games on my phone, as I'm so knackered (that's what I'd be doing now if I hadn't made myself do something more productive). And it's my own fault. I wasn't forced into any of this, I knew it would be hard, and to be honest there isn't really anything going on I didn't already expect, but the reality is too hard and I'm just not strong enough to look after someone else's child, and the 40-something man-child who is their dad, and now I have a puppy that I am unwilling to give up too. It's draining the life out of me.

I have told my DH all of this and much more. We've talked, I've written notes, including things he can do to help, I've written him to do lists he's partially done (after he asked me to give him a list of what needs doing - I did tell him I need him to think for himself, as the mental load is a big part of the problem, but I agreed to do this as a starting point) and he's stepped up a bit, but not enough. I can't force him do something, and I don't want to live in a war zone, as it's starting to feel like that already, I can only set my boundaries and enforce the consequences.

What's my next move? What boundaries and consequences can you recommend? Any and all responses gratefully received. Suggestions, thoughts, slag me off, slag him off, tell me to leave, tell me to stay, tell me to man up, tell me to stop whining, tell me I am an idiot. Right now I'll take anything in the hope in can find a nugget or two to help me sort this out, one way or another. Thank you.

Family meeting.

A weekly list of chores including what needs doing daily, weekly etc.

Assign tasks to each person. They are responsible that day for the task.

Yes it's mental load for you but it only needs doing once.

So every Sunday (for example) your dad knows she has to strip her bed and it in the washing machine. Show her how to use it. She has to take it out and hang it up or tumble it.

If it isn't done then there's no clean dry bedding.

Natural consequences.

Each person cooks at least 2 meals a week. Even if your dad can only start with a pasta dish.

Each person washes up/ loads dishwasher at least twice a week.

Everybody hoovers at least once a week depending on requirements.

Have a dog walking timetable.

Give an ultimatum. If this isn't stuck to without your input for 3 months then you/ they are leaving (depending on whose house it is).

Does he work?
If yes, is he competent at work?
If yes, why do you think he is competent at work but not at home?
Answer- because he can be. He chooses to place the burden on you. He chooses for you to pull his weight and be unhappy in the marriage.
Walk away, it wont get better because it doesn’t benefit him to do more

You've fallen onto the trap many women do. He's married you and got himself a free housekeeper chef and nanny.

Yes, step-parenting is hard, all parenting is hard but it becomes even harder when your partner doesn't pull his weight. I agree with @itsgettingweird, have a family meeting and delegate tasks to everyone. You can also get apps or use a shared calender where you can detail the rota of tasks so you each get reminders that it's your turn.

Like @LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls said, it's rather convenient that men just simply don't know what needs done in the house yet can probably competently do their job.

I follow a woman on Instagram who talks about domestic labour and the mental load "shesapaigeturner". She shares some useful resources for managing this.

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm definitely doing this. It's given me something to focus on instead of playing games on my phone. Now I'm planning for a Sunday family meeting. 😊

Nothing will work. You know that though and that’s why you’re so bereft. You know him. He is as you say a man child.

Why did you marry him?!

You need to leave - probably permanently, or you will absolutely end up splitting far more acrimoniously than you need to - but right here right now, I suggest you pack a bag and disappear for the week.

Go stay with family, friends or in a hotel. Don’t plan and clean and leave fucking meals and lists for the FORTY YEAR OLD who also somehow manages not to get sacked at work or drive into old ladies every time he pulls off the drive. You go, and leave this twat with HIS child in HIS house with HIS puppy and you say, I will be back in a week and if you have not been able to be an adult in that time, caring for your child, cleaning and shopping, and carrying on with dog training, then we are divorcing because I know that you never ever will, and that you expected marriage to mean a free cook, cleaner and mummy figure.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. A really good point. I'll definitely consider this. (Great name by the way) 😊

Posted too soon. That’s your first step. He needs a shock at least, not a ‘family conversation’. I don’t expect anything will really change though. You knew what he was like I assume! People never really change.

Again, why DID you marry him? Because there must be a glimmer of something along the lines of kindness, fairness? That’s your only hope I think, if he’s basically a lazy sod who is at heart not a completely bastard, then I guess through sheer willpower and the knowledge (by him) that you won’t fuck around and you will leave, you can maintain some kind of constant level of force, do the stuff or I am gone. But that doesn’t help with the mental load or the sadness of seeing how different it is when you could be with a proper adult who will be a partner, not make life harder all the time.

Yeah, I never thought I would, but it's interesting how our lives pan out. I definitely need to get it in check or walk away. The shared calendar and rota is a good idea.

Thanks for the recommendation for 'Sheisapaigeturner' I've just followed her. 😊

I’d take the puppy and leave the husband. I’d have lost all respect for him by now. Please don’t get trapped. He’s really selfish and because he’s not aggressive with it you haven’t noticed. He may be pleasant but he’s not actually very nice.

I really appreciate your candidness. My first thought was "I can't do that", but actually why can't I? Giving this some serious thought.

You are quite right, I did know, which is why I feel like an idiot. There is definitely a glimmer of some hope, or would just be out the door, but is it worth the effort. Let me consider that. Thanks, this is absolutely the stuff I need to hear. 😊

How did he cope before he met you? He obviously survived. He can do it again.

I totally agree the puppy is staying with me whatever happens. 😀

Your last line totally hit home: "He may be pleasant, but he's not actually very nice." Ooo, that's a real paradigm shift. Absence of abuse, doesn't equal support. Thank you. 😊

A partner is supposed to enhance your life but your DP is making your life worse. How can he see you crying every day while you work long hours and skivvy for him and his child and not want to do something about it himself. He's also letting his daughter down by being a shit dad. I would find this incredibly unnatractive. He's on to an absolute winner.

Do you have children of your own?
If not, I would (honestly) consider walking away from this.
A bit like these men you hear about, but I never had any dependants.
Just a thought.
What you are doing would drive me to...up the wall!

I've written him to do lists he's partially done (after he asked me to give him a list of what needs doing - I did tell him I need him to think for himself, as the mental load is a big part of the problem, but I agreed to do this as a starting point) and he's stepped up a bit, but not enough

He isn't a child and if you treat him like a child he will continue to behave like a child - non actions need consequences and as long as the consequence isn't death - then let the consequence happen. His laundry his turn to cook let him sort it out

For dsd if she asks what to do keep repeating the phrase

what do you think might be the best thing to do, in a non aggressive or patronising way - help her independence and self esteem by allowing her to tell you herself. Tell her you're a clever girl, you can figure it out

Your working hours alone will burn you out. Is this short term?
I think there are several things you can do.
Stop being the invisible fairy who fixes the mess. If you find a mess, call the person who left it and ask them to sort it out.
You are going to have to be the tidy police for a while.
For example after a meal no one gets to leave until everything is clean and put away.
Similarly breakfast - if folks are leaving stuff, just pile it up and next time they're home - remind them.
With your DSD it's probably a mix of genuinely not knowing what to do and possibly not wanting to put a step wrong.
Reflect back the questions and praise her when she gets the answer. You may have to put in some time to this but it will be worth it. Similarly when she's asking you instead of Dad, gently redirect.
But if you are living with people who are lazy/clueless/messy you need to find the middle ground. What's non negotiable and what you can live with. Be prepared to drop the rope a bit.
My DH is hopeless for losing things in the house and I used to constantly help him find things. Now I tend not to. I'll tell him if I know but I don't add to my mental load by doing it for him.
It's very easy to fall into doing these constant small jobs and they will eat up all of your time if you let them.