How to progress relationship?

[Wheretogofromhereconfusion]

Hi, sorry wasn't sure what to put as the title.

I've posted in here as although my boyfriend doesn't have children, I do and figured I'd find plenty of people with experience of introducing partners to children in here! :)

I've been seeing my boyfriend since last summer. We knew each other online for a long time before that and met a few times as friends, but last summer was when we actually 'officially' got into a relationship.

I've got three teenagers aged 13-17.

All three DC are homebodies, same as me and very rarely go out. I work from home and don't have any friends (not really interested in a social life) so I've created quite an unusual environment.

So far, I've done most of my dating out of the house, a few months ago told the children I was seeing someone and they've met him briefly maybe four times (just a quick hi when he's picked me up). He's also stayed over once and I've let them know that he'd be here overnight but gone in the morning (he left before they woke up but wanted them to know someone was here overnight).

I'm now unsure how to progress the relationship any more. I feel guilty being out of the house on dates either weekend days or weeknight evenings - because it feels like abandoning the children to go out without them - and I feel guilty having him at my house for any length of time as it feels again, like I'm abandoning my children's needs to spend time with someone else, with the added complication that they have a relative stranger in their house.

They all seem to get on well with him on a surface level and are polite children anyway, plus when I've asked them how they feel about me seeing him a bit more they have said they're fine but I still feel guilty about spending time with him.

Where do I go from here? I know it's an usual situation but wondered if anyone had any advice, either on how to stop feeling guilty or just how to progress the relationship from here - stick to dates outside of the house or mix a few at home ones in? I don't think I'd feel comfortable with me, my bf and my children doing anything together out of the house just yet.

Thanks in advance.

Do you ever leave your children alone for any length of time? At ages 13 through to 17 it's unusual for them to be so attached that you feel guilty leaving them.

What do you actually feel guilty about? If your children are fine are you sure you're not just giving yourself an excuse not to commit fully to your partner?

See him out of the home or at his home. There's no reason to involve your children and I wouldn't have him overnight in their home.

If they're all at home together I'd think you going out one or two evenings a week would be fine.

Guilty for what? Having a life? Being something other than a mum? Don’t. Live your life, I don’t agree with parents putting their life completely on hold because of the kids might not like it. You might not like their bfs/gfs that won’t stop them from dating them so why should it stop you.

maybe you’re not ready for a relationship as kids don’t really seem to care, you do though.

Possibly, I have looked into attachment styles recently and I do think I fall into the avoidant category.

I'm not actually sure why I feel guilty - and in answer to someone else yes I do go out without them; but only to the shop at a weekend if absolutely necessary (try and get the food shopping done during the week while they're at school).

They're absolutely fine when they do go and stay overnight occasionally with their friends or my eldest for example goes to the gym, so they're not attached to me in that sense; I think it's because I don't do anything 'for myself' that now I'm seeing my boyfriend it feels quite selfish.

The only reason I've done the overnight in the past is so that I'm here if they need me. I'd much rather see him out of the house or at his, but that involves me being out of my house, which is where the guilt comes in 😆

You are not just a mother, you are an individual person and deserve to have a loving partnership.

You could keep things light but having him round for pizza and a board game with the kids

or go out for an activity like bowling

and you should still be enjoying your dates out just the two of you

i wouldn’t jump straight into having him round for sleepovers but once he’s made a habit of being at the house for a few months you could then introduce those.

your children want to see you happy.

Thanks, yeah this is what I've been avoiding so far, him being at the house on a regular basis.

I haven't even really seen him once a week regularly yet though as I feel so guilty, it's been sporadic - couple of times in a week then another couple of weeks before I see him again, so I suppose just weekly dates out of the house for a while would be a good idea.

Sounds like the biggest barrier is a mental one rather than a practical one. You need to stop feeling guilty. It’s ok for you to have a life. Even a LOVE life - horror of
horrors!

Have your BF round, for the evening or overnight. As long as the kids - and he - are respectful and polite it’s absolutely fine. You don’t have a revolving door of new dads coming in and out, this is someone you’re serious about, so they need to get used to him being around and you need to see them all together to see how they get on and whether he fits into your family.

Yes you could see him out of the house more and go to his too. My youngest is now 17 and it’s taken me until now to feel comfortable staying out overnight but I certainly haven’t felt guilty going out for the evening for many years.

Aww thanks, yes we are serious about each other and he's a good guy.

The children say they'd be fine with him coming here a bit more too but I always worry they're just saying it to make me happy...

Honestly, from a step parents perspective I'd be seeing your behaviour as a potential red flag for your boyfriend. You're sidelining him due to your mum guilt.

Absolutely. He must be upset although he says understands.

It's just hard for me to see a way forward.

Having said that, I've chatted to my eldest about this before, explaining that I don't want to make them feel abandoned by going out and my eldest pretty much said I was being stupid - that they're becoming more independent and will be "leaving home soon" so I should believe they'll be fine on their own for a bit. And also that I deserve a life of my own.

Seems like my 17 year old has his head screwed on better than me!

Why on earth are you talking about this with your children? I

You are the adult here. It's like you want them to feel guilty about holding you back. It's really not fair to put this on them. Your emotions are not theirs to manage. It's not on them to give their blessing so you feel good.

You're not coming accross very well here.

I don't think I'd feel comfortable with me, my bf and my children doing anything together out of the house just yet.

How come?

I would see the next step would be days out at the weekend together. Why is doing stuff out of the house something they you build up to? I would have thought having him in your house in more intimate than being out and about together.

This. I'm surprised he put up with this for as long. It's been over a year and he's going weeks without seeing you because you feel too guilty to leave your teenage children. If you can't prioritise your partner then stay single. It's not fair on them to constantly be a backup plan that you squeeze in when it's convenient to
you.

There are a tonne of threads on here with stepmums feeling that they're always being pushed to the side because the entire world must revolve around the kids. I think this whole " the kids always come first" mantra that a lot of parent have is actually quite unhealthy.

I don't think it's good for kids to be raised thinking they're the most important thing in the world and they must have everything the want and nothing must inconvenience them.

As parents it's our job to raise kids to be independent adults, to be able to live their own lives one day. You need to allow your kids to grow away from you. It's not healthy at their ages to be constantly around their mum. These kids are going to struggle when they finally go into the big bad world and are faced with the tiniest bit of adversity. I'd feel guilty about that more than I would about leaving them at home while I go out and have a bit of a life.

Maybe speaking to a therapist about why you're so anxious about having a life outside your kids would be a start. Then if you truly want to make a go at things with this man you need to start making more of an effort for him.

Have you tried asking them the question “would you prefer me to go out to see Fred or bring him here?” Then they can answer honestly as there isn’t a “polite” answer as such.

Why is 'leaving home soon' in quotes? They will be leaving home quite soon. Sounds like your son is already a bit worried about the burden of guilt he will be shouldering when he does go.
They sound great. Don't lean on them so much. Your partner sounds great too. Get to know him. He really likes you. So do your kids.

You've spent 17 years raising children, you shouldn't feel guilty about going out and enjoying yourself occassionally, or god forbid even having a sex life!! They're all old enough to be left alone for periods of time and in a few years time you could find yourself home alone like billy no mates if they head off to uni or get jobs etc.
I don't know why you're reluctant to do things out of the house all together? I did quite a lot of reading about introducing kids to new partners before I met my BF's daughter for the first time (we'd met briefly before we were an item so it was a bit less awkward) and most advise it's easier on neutral territory. If he's already been round though and they're ok with that then if you want to see more of him why can't he come over for dinner and the evening while they're there? IME of going to my BF's when his DD13 is there we hardly see her anyway as she's usually in her room doing whatever teenagers do in their room. But I don't think that's just because I'm there, she willingly appears to help cook or if we watch a film together. The other day she was apparently miffed because i'd left for work before she got up and she missed having breakfast with me! If you're in a relationship with someone who has kids then eventually they're going to end up being in each other's lives.

I do understand to some extent where you're coning from. I'm not sure on your situation or what happened to their dad but I will readily admit that I am ridiculously protective of my children. I waited 7 months to introduce my partner and then it was about 3 years before he stayed over!! I was also extremely funny about going on days out as a 4 as it felt odd to me, like we were pretending to be a family, or I would worry it would traumatise the children as it would remind them of when their dad and I were together. Anyway, 4 years later and he's around a lot, stays over every now and again and we do lots together. I eventually realised that he's nothing but a positive in our lives, a great role for my children, whose father is not the sort of man I want them to grow up to be like or to end up in a relationship with. We can also be role models to them as to what a happy, respectful relationship should be like. He is not their dad, no, but he is an extra adult in their lives who loves them and cares for them and this is a great thing.

This is sort of similar to how I feel about my children's dad, to be honest. They've only ever had me and I don't want them to feel like I'm forcing family life on them - especially as they're not only teenagers but homebodies; I only work from home in a fairly low paid job too so money - it's not tight, but we only really get to go out at half terms and school holidays so to include my boyfriend in those very rare days out would somehow feel...I don't know, strange is the only word I can think of at the moment.

That's why I've chosen to have him here a couple of times, because here is where we are most of the time so it feels more natural, the children can stay int heir rooms or choose to come and see us in the lounge if they want (my two youngest have sat with us and chatted, my eldest has said hi in passing but he's autistic and quite shy and when other people come round like my mum, he does the same - says hi and then scuttles back up to his room) then comes back down to say bye.

If it feels natural and you’re all happy and comfortable with nights in then that’s fine! I think trying to play happy families on days out at the age your kids are is probably just going to be a bit awkward with everyone….maybe 1 or 2 of the kids might like to do something with you both occasionally, a film that everyone would like to see or something like that maybe?

Could you do a game night or movie night altogether so the kids get to know him in a light hearted and easy way? Other than that's you seem sensible.
But
You're allowed a life
Enjoy !

Actually, the cinema is a good idea. Or I suppose a gaming or board game night. Sounds a bit more doable than a day out anyway :)

Thanks for the advice everyone, I'll bear all advice in mind.