Communication with partner

[Suzzy1962]

Hi this is my first time on here & I really need advice as Im having a few issues with my partner & his lack of understanding when it comes to a few things . My partner has 2 children from previous relationships & I have known that since before we got serious which was about years ago . We both live together but just for the past year or so my partner seems to think that my feelings don’t matter & that I don’t get a say in anything that happens in our home . Maybe I’m overreacting I don’t know but it’s getting to a point now were I don’t know what to say or do anymore . My partner used to get his children every Saturday then they would go back to their mum but now we have them most weekends overnight & I don’t have any issue with this at all as I love his children to bits & we get along so well . But then there was an arrangement made that they would stay every other weekend so that their mum could spend time with them at the weekend too . But every so often this will change & my partner never tells me that they are staying extra nights etc & says it’s his children so it’s none of my business. And yes I know they are his children but it is my home
too I work fulltime & pay all the bills in our house rent etc as my partner has ill health at the moment . And also I am the one that has to cook & clean up after them the whole time they are with us . And with working up to 45 hours a week I’m exhausted by the time the weekend comes & need some time for me . But everytime plans change with his ex partner I never get told & I always have to cancel my plans & when I say something he just starts arguing & saying it’s nothing to do with me I know they are his children but I think I have a right to know what is going on in my own home because we are supposed to be a partnership & to be honest it doesn’t feel like that right now I feel like it’s not even my home most of the time . And I would also love to have sometime even 1 Saturday every month or so to have some time with my boyfriend to make time for our relationship. I know his children always come first it’s one of the things I love about him i just want more understanding from him on the communication thing in our home . Any advice I’d be so grateful or tell me if im overreacting . (Sorry for the long rant just don’t know what to do for the best )

I work fulltime & pay all the bills in our house rent etc as my partner has ill health at the moment . And also I am the one that has to cook & clean up after them the whole time they are with us .

He saw you coming.

Any man who ever only had his kids on a Saturday, and not even over night, is a waster.

That aside, you're paying all the rent and bills, so surely you hold the cards here?

He treats you with more respect or you leave him, surely??

Kick him out.

Sounds like he is using you. He has no respect for you. I'd leave him.

Unfortunately you've got got a cocklodger. He doesn't respect you or he wouldn't behave this way. Of course you should know as soon as he knows when his DC are staying over. The only way anything will get better is to LTB, or in this case since its your place telling him to leave. The way he's acting towards you had told you everything you need fo know about him. He can't manage even a tiny bit of consideration for you.

Sometimes this will happen with us but my partner will always tell me, not asking my permission just letting me know which I think is right as our home is also the kids home in our eyes. If he hasn't even got the consideration to let you know (practically you need to know for dinners etc too) I wouldn't change your plans. They're his kids he didn't give you a heads up go out and leave him to parent. I think that's extremely rude. Myself and my partner always let each other know if we've got friends/family coming over etc it's just basic communication

He doesn't see you as a partner, he sees you as a free maid and cooking service. You are being taken for a mug and he clearly has no respect for you.

Is the house yours? If so chuck him out. If they're his kids and none of your business then he can house them on his own and cook for and clean up after them on his own.

Controversial opinion, but I do not believe kids should always come first. Of course they should be a priority but so should your partner. If he can't manage prioritising a partner as well as his kids then he needs to stay single.

My DH has one kid 50% and one 100% and still manages to prioritise me. Every request from the ex is ran past me first and he'd never cancel plans we had because the ex requested a swap.

You house him, pay all the bills, and do all the practical aspects of caring for his children. Get rid of him, you can do better

Nah get rid. It's none of your business? But he expects you to look after them.

You can't argue this or tackle it, you won't change it, so just walk away silently. You'll be the evil stepmother that hates his kids. You could just go with "you're a shit dad and it gives me the ick." Becuase he is a shit dad if he's palming them off on you.

It is totally ridiculous that he doesn’t involve you in the arrangements he makes about his children coming to your home (which would be your home as much as his even if you weren’t paying for it). You would be perfectly reasonable to tell him either he consults you and respects your wishes, or he doesn’t and is then responsible for cooking, cleaning up after and caring for the children on his own, and you coukd go out and leave him to it. He can’t have it both ways. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner and you don’t have to put up with it.

You are his staff.
Worse than that, as staff get paid and the law expects a certain level of basic respect.
Quit the gig, there is nothing in it for you. This is not a "partnership" by any stretch of the imagination.
My DH rightly doesn't ask for permission for his child to be in his home either, but he does ask if he wants something from me ie. Change of plans, drop off/pick up etc.
I am free to say "no, doesn't work for me" and he and his ex work it out between them. He certainly does not unilaterally decide I'll be cancelling my plans to skivvy for him and his daughter, and I absolutely would not tolerate it if he tried. It's my life too.
Protect yourself, OP. He will bleed you dry.

You’re a nanny with a fanny.

Kick him out.

If it's 'got nothing to do with you' then neither should running around after them and looking after them, and you certainly shouldn't be cancelling your plans.

Your partner needs to respect your home, time & energy by running all his plans with the children past you before agreeing to with the ex as it affects your life even if they aren’t your children. By not doing so he’s disrespecting you and treating you as a slave to his and his children’s and ex demands.
You have choices. A choice not to cook
& clean for his children (theyre not yours after all so this is your partners job) and a choice not to be there and go and enjoy your plans. You even have a choice to ask him to have his contact elsewhere given it’s your house all paid for by you, to have it taken over by him and his children without any warning or asking of your ok is plain rude, and to then expect you to be the skivvy too?
Hell no. Have him look after his own kids, and if it must be in your home you have to agree on the times and dates before he agrees with the ex and you also have no obligation to be there. Otherwise he can have his contact elsewhere

You sound lovely, OP, but he is completely taking advantage of you and disrespecting you.

His attitude about the schedule is really rude. But I can’t believe he’s failing to pay his way or lift a finger.

This is not how a good partner behaves. You deserve so much better.

He needs to move out.

Of course you deserve to be told when the kids are coming to stay. He’s being unreasonable.

His children don’t come first. They only come every weekend now because he’s found a slave to look after them and him, and house them all. You need to tell this crappy dad and terrible partner to pack his stuff and go.

God help you that you have such little self worth as to put up with being a skivvy aupair that pays for everything.

That is some loser you are with.
He cannot believe his luck to have landed you.
Someone with zero self respect, hence he treats you with no respect.

If you had self respect you would tell him pack his bags and leave today.

You deserve so much better, but this is your life now that you have chosen an utter waster for a partner.

Oh dear, none of this is ok OP. My DH has always let me know if plans change for DSC, I’d never say no to extra nights but it’s respectful BUT I don’t have to change plans and I definitely do not do everything for them. He’s really taking advantage; neither he or his children are your responsibility

Controversial opinion, but I do not believe kids should always come first. Of course they should be a priority but so should your partner. If he can't manage prioritising a partner as well as his kids then he needs to stay single

I agree. Even when you’re still together with the other parent kids don’t always come first. Of course their NEEDS come before your whims but their whims don’t have to come before your needs or wishes.

I agree with other posters. This won’t get better as he doesn’t respect you, and he has everything he wants here without changing anything. I’d tell him you want to live separately so that he can have all the time he likes with his DCs and you’ll see him when he’s free. Something tells me this arrangement won’t suit him half as well as it would suit you.

And this. I wonder if he’ll be so keen to have them stay every weekend without his live-in childcare and housekeeper.

Stop allowing this parasite to use you. He's using you as a household servant and leeching your money.
Respect yourself and dump this man.

Just saw @Suzzy1962 posted this 5 days ago and never replied.