First time SM .... help! (its a long one)

[ImJustAGirlinthisworld]

Hello, This is my first thread/post on here and I hope I can get some advice as im completely at my wits end atm. Brace yourself its a long read

I started dating my partner in 2021. He was clear from the start that he has 3 kids and that though things are currently amicable between him and his ex she can cause trouble and turn nasty , they were together for at least 8 -9 years and the relationship started off well , they had their kids very young and were constantly up and down relationship wise after this . He mentioned that he speaks to kids every day after 6pm (when he finishes work) , pays maintenance monthly and on time and has the kids every other weekend - Friday Night until Sunday around 6pm. When required he will also take time off to accommodate for half term/sick days if he is able to get that time off work. As we were casually dating at the time I didn't see this as an issue and said that's all fine and If we decide to take things further (into a relationship) then we would discuss further on introducing me to his kids and so on.

November 2022 , after almost a year of dating we decided to take the plunge and make a go of things. He spoke with his kids told them he would like to introduce them to me, they were excited to meet me and we got on from the start. He has 2 girls and 1 boy. The eldest at this time was 8, boy was 7 and the youngest only 4 years old. We decided if we all got on , I would then move in with him permanently.

Though I had never met the ex or spoke to her, my partner had let her know about me, the more time I spent with the kids she expressed to my partner she was happy that he's found someone and that the kids get on with me and that its nice the kids have me in their lives to help and things , everything seemed amicable . (ex was also in a relationship and expecting her 4th baby with the new fella).

Around January/Feb 2023 of the blue, the ex started messaging/calling my partner saying he doesn't do enough and that she cant cope with HIS kids and in the early hours of the morning dropped two of the kids off in their pyjamas on our doorstep and drove off. My partner went into a bit of a panic mode and I could see this was causing him quite a lot of stress, my partners work/job is not very flexible and he was worried about how this was going to work out with his employer, as his partner seeing this I said its fine you go to work and I will arrange with my work to stay home for the day and watch the kids. (my work is quite flexible) he agreed and went off to work. He managed to finish a few hours early and came home. (the kids had been angels for me by the way no issues). Bear in mind the ex had been singing my praises before and never had an issue with me looking after the kids.

He then had a phone call from the ex - very angry as she had not hindered his day. She then went on to say that he had left his kids "with that PAKI - BITC*H ". Now - I am Indian and my partner is English/white.

Of course I was absolutely gob smacked, and appalled that these are the words she had chosen to use. I was upset and quite angry. The hurt it had caused my partner to hear that from his ex was horrible to watch. He actually put the phone down on her and was in tears apologising to me that I had to hear that after everything I had done to support him with the kids.

From then on I made my mind up on the exs character. The exs dad actually called my partner up and apologised for his daughters racist remark and the old cop out of "I don't know why she said that she has coloured friends". (the ex has never apologised for this remark).

This whole situation made me very angry but made me realise that myself and his ex are two very different people and come from two different lives and that respect and understanding was not part of her upbringing.

Since then it has been a series of ups and downs, emotionally draining on my part. She is constantly abusive to my partner through her many what's app rants, always telling him he's a shit father and doesn't do enough. we have a few weeks of peace and then all of a sudden its really bad.

All through this time, my relationship with the kids has been fine. I would never take it out on them , its not their fault. The problems/issues/arguments my partner has with his ex i completely stay out of them. I am a listening ear to my partner when he wants to rant about it, but i know my place. I do not get involved. The Ex has also decided that my partner should have the kids more and that he should have them for 3 full weekends a month so that has increased. we didn't mind as she is always saying he doesn't spend enough time with them so we thought this may calm her down - but alas its not enough.

Now to the actual problem im having the eldest SD (now 10)
Very recently his eldest , has stopped talking to me as much - and I don't know what ive done. She's quite withdrawn and doesn't want to do things with us anymore as a family, She can be quite nasty to her younger siblings, and constantly mentions she wishes she was an only child. Far from the sweet girl I met in 2022, she used to ask me to watch her play an Xbox game or ask to read to me, but im lucky if I get a hello from her now. She has started to tell her mum (ex) everything that goes on at our house, if her dad tells her off for something she's done wrong or any little thing to cause trouble. the ex then calls up my partner and starts an argument. Down to my partner buying himself some football boots - the SD went home and told her mum "Dad got himself some trainers but didn't buy us anything". My partner hardly buys anything for himself all his earnings go into the bills/rent and child maintenance. the ex rang him up and had an argument with him about this - that he can afford trainers for himself but what about his kids.

At the minute its like walking on egg shells around her as im afraid anything we do or say will be twisted into a tale for her mum. I know this may be her going through puberty and hitting that wild teenager age - but im also concerned that her biggest influence is her mother.

A few weekends ago, my partner had a call from the ex to say that I had swore at her eldest daughter. This was a blatant lie as I would never do that. the daughter claims I called her a "silly fucker as she was walking out of the kitchen. My partner and I were in the kitchen together and he said to the ex that didn't happen and the eldest has obviously misheard something. which then turned into the ex saying to him that he is calling his daughter a liar and that I am not to be trusted around his kids and that im abusing them. (I am so fed up of all these tales)

Since all this has happened I feel so disheartened about everything. He is a good man, and we have a solid relationship, he does all he can for the kids when he has them (which is never enough in his exs eyes) . I feel as though his eldest is playing games with her mother and it wont be long until she stops coming to see her dad, blaming me for coming between her and her father and ive done nothing wrong. This will be incredibly sad for my partner.

I know that the situation with the EX is not going to change , she is the way she is and will always be this way. Arguing with her or trying to put her in her place through court or whatever will just hurt the kids. My partner deals well with her mood swings as he has had many years of experiencing her up and down behaviour. He handles the mental stress of it all much better than me, its starting to wear me down.

I know I am not there to replace their mother, Im just there to be a friend and support them with whatever they need. Im not a bad person. I honestly went into this relationship whole heartedly , hoping that maybe I could also have a friend -like relationship with the ex and that would be best for the kids - to have a strong support system - but the ex just ruined it from the start with her racist comment that I cant forgive and do not want any kind of relationship with a person like that.

I have contemplated sitting down with the eldest and her father to just talk through anything that I can do to fix our relationship, but im worried that the Ex mother will not like this and will cause more issues.

Any advice /help would be appreciated , from anyone who has experienced anything similar.

Thanks for reading

No real advice, just thinking this is a shitty situation for you OP 💐

Has your partner spoken to the eldest about what's going on?

You need to step back and let your DP deal with it all. It's the only way.

I suspect your partner has good intentinos. But frankly, like so many men, he's made mistakes. So DC were fine when smaller. As they've got older, it was harder but he didn't step up beause "work isn't flexible" so the default was ALWAYS his ex. She was always the one who had no choice but HAD to take time off for sick children. She was the one who was always there when the children weremelting down or behaving badly or struggling at school or being bullied, because he was just there EOW. And when she totally loses it.... he leaves them with you. I suspect that's got little to do with whether or nt she thinks you are competent to look after them and a whole lot more to do with her frustration that parenting is OPTIONAL for him.

I couldn't say how much he pays in maintenance, but in most cases, the CMS minimum is unlikely to be enough to really make a difference, she's probably been struggling financially too.

The point is that your DP is trying, but she's probably completely overwhelmed. That doesn't excuse the racist language, of course, but I think it's a bit more complicated. And children change - the 7 year old who was happy to have a new playmate might well feel very differently at 10 so your ebeing unrealistic to think things stay th esame.

@MoneyAndPercentages- thanks for the reply, its a bit shitty. He has tried, but is also stepping on eggshells around his own daughter which is quite sad.

@CandiedPrincess - Thanks , I know this this the best way. Just wondered if anyone had any similar experiences. None of my friends or family have been in this situation , I thought I would try for some advice/thoughts on here.

I dunno, I think that's being a bit naive @MrSeptember. Sometimes bio mums (sue me, I'm also a 'bio mum' my kids have a step mum) are just difficult for for the sake of it. The dad can bend over backwards and it's never enough. In OP's case it doesn't sound like it's about money, or time, she was happy enough with the situation before. She's got her arse in her hands and she's passing that onto the kids.

It sounds like four children was her breaking point. I think taking on 3 weekends a month was a good thing as you've given a lot more support.
I'd forget the racist remark, she wanted to hurt you and your partner and presumably the only thing she knows about you is you look a different colour, how trivial, don't stress about it everyone knows she was wrong.
The oldest daughter sounds trauma bonded. I don't know what you can do really other than what you are doing. You and your partner are a consistent and loving presence in his children's lives. You should be getting thanks and appreciation, I'm sorry that ATM you're not... But in a few years the children will probably be grateful for the stability and love you gave them.

What is naive about my post? This woman had 3 children with a man who had them for a grand total of 4 nights a month and who, when there was an emergency situation still took the view that he'd only step up if it was convenient: When required he will also take time off to accommodate for half term/sick days if he is able to get that time off work.

Then she has a 4th child. Her three older children are probably struggling, as is she, and she's starting to get seriously resentful that her ex is in this lovely new relationship, having a wonderful life and only seeing his children 4 days a month. She reaches breaking point, and drops the children at his house, only to have him swan off to work leaving them with someone else.

Yeah, amazing how parenting is optional for men and we're supposed to feel sorry for this man. I do feel a little sorry for him because I suspect he's clueless rather than an actual wanker, deadbeat father, but the reality is that he's barely a dad so it's not surprising things are hard.

I have a similar situation OP. Ex is abusive, and an absolute nightmare. She alienated DSS - luckily the court recognised this and changed the arrangements so DSS had blocks of time with his dad. My DP had to involve the police because of her harassment. It culminated in going through the courts to get a fixed CAO and then my partner blocking the ex. They now communicate through her mum when necessary.

bottom line is there’s nothing you can do other than go to court and get a fixed order. This minimises communication. You may as well get on with this now because I guarantee you will be forced into it eventually. If you procrastinate you’ll just suffer for years and then end up in court anyway.

The alienation is hard to deal with. My partner and I haven’t found the solution. I tend to just leave it to DP but it’s hard when DSS is rude and disrespectful to me in my own home. I still do things for him that I have always done but our close relationship has gone. Part of that will be age but that doesn’t make it any better!

Do you ever actually offer anybody advice? I see lots of words always bashing the OP's but not much else from you on here...

FFS if she’s struggling with the 3 kids then why did she decide to get pregnant again? From OP’s post it sounds like ex was fine with arrangements until she got pregnant. Then instead of having an adult conversation about dad having more time with kids, she resorts to racism and abusive WhatsApps. Then gets people like you defending her!

Well said!

@MrSeptember

Thanks for your post.

I agree it must be overwhelming for a single parent. But the constant abuse through messaging and creating issues is not right. She would benefit more from being kind.

My partner works full time to afford rent, bills and maintenance and all the rest like most single fathers do. There is no help for them.

He worked full time when he was in the relationship with her (she never worked as claiming befits is easier) there was no complaints about money then? They broke up , she kept the kids, this way she keeps her accommodation you see? He was kicked out, expected to pay maintenance, find somewhere to live with no help from the government. Parenting is not OPTIONAL for him I disagree.

You have to be realistic, when you have the kids full time, that includes school runs and all the rest of it - because you want the benefits to claim. sadly you don't get rewarded with free money when you actually work fulltime.

She is in a council flat , paid for. Her current boyfriend lives there too with their new baby. She claims single occupancy. She claims for all that she can , and comes out with a wage from our lovely government . Her boyfriend works for cash in hand, money that contributes to her household. She also leaves the kids with her boyfriend in the evening to work - cash in hand. And every weekend my partner has the kids, she is also working cash in hand. One of the kids has been classed as disabled she is claiming or that also. The kids birthdays and Christmas presents consist of branded sports clothing, game consoles, electric scooters. Days out to restaurants , constant takeaways and money spent on rubbish.

So forgive me for not understanding how I feel she has insufficient funds to make ends meet.

There are genuine cases , she is not a genuine case. She is abusing the system massively.

Again thanks for your post, but this was not about my partner. This was about how to deal personally with the mental stress of navigating the strange world of step parenting.

My partner has offered to have full custody of the kids and have her life. Council flat, benefits coming out of his arse. School runs and the lot. She can see her kids 3 weekends a month and pay maintenance. Oh an wrk a full time job if she wants.

But for some reason this isn't the life she wants.

She is rotten because she is rotten.

I guess you wouldn't have known this was poor, but if I started dating someone and they said they had their dc EOW I would put down my drink, walk out and block them.

It isn't enough, it's just over 10% and they are leaving nearly 90% of the work, and I bet all the mental load to the other parent. It is really poor parenting. And all that 'if his work allows'. Means her choices are totally limited in what job she can get doesn't it?

So from your first few paragraphs, my sympathy lies entirely with the ex.

She was bang out of order to say what she did in your later paragraphs, that's not on. I expect she's utterly frustrated as doing all the parenting when there should be two parents. (Doesn't excuse the racism whatsoever).

Oh for goodness sake, I've just read your latest post. He's pulled the wool over your eyes hasn't he? She's not 'unemployed', she's a single stay at home parent to 3 of his young kids, which she has basically no choice but to be, as he can only help 'if' he can.

Not sure what you're talking about. My advice on here was to maybe try look at it from the ex's perspective and not assume her DP is a prince among men?

benefits coming out of his arse.

It's all coming out now.

I thought exactly the same @MrSeptember
These threads are always the same, and they're every day. We start off with a variation along 'psycho ex' and end up being 'absent father & as a result exhausted ex'

She is in a council flat , paid for. Her current boyfriend lives there too with their new baby. She claims single occupancy. She claims for all that she can , and comes out with a wage from our lovely government . Her boyfriend works for cash in hand, money that contributes to her household. She also leaves the kids with her boyfriend in the evening to work - cash in hand. And every weekend my partner has the kids, she is also working cash in hand. One of the kids has been classed as disabled she is claiming or that also.

Is she unemployed and getting "free money" or is she working? Feel free to not like that she's working cash in hand, but what I'm hearing is that she has 4 children, during the day she's looking after them and at night and on weekends, she's working to give them more. That "more" might be things you don't approve of but by your own description, she's putting in the time and effort, that's for sure.

I particularly enjoyed

expected to pay maintenance

Oh the horror. Having to pay towards the upbringing of the 3 children you chose to have. Those poor menz.

Ah. Here come the step family bashers twisting all ways to make an obviously unpleasant person somehow reasonable.

Ignore them, OP, they crawl out of the woodwork on all the step family threads.

He needs to go to court and get his set time with them agreed by a judge and in writing.

Start using a communication app like family wizard that is meant to monitor and track communication and can be used in court.

you don’t need to have any communication with the ex. Let him deal with it and focus on what your input can be when the children are with you both.

Your partner needs to have stronger boundaries with his ex.

You are 100% correct that you'll never be able to change her or control her behaviour so don't waste your time trying.

First things first, get a court order in place. It doesn't sound like he has one currently and has just been allowing the ex to dictate when he can have the kids. This means she can use them as weapons and withhold access of she doesn't get her own way on something. Make sure Xmas and birthdays etc are included and remember he has as much right to see his kids on special occasions as she does. She does not own the kids and she is not your DPs boss so stop giving her so much power. Having a set schedule reduces the need for communication.

He needs to cut the current lines of communication. Block her phone so she can't make abusive phone calls. Set up a separate email address for her that he can check intermittently for schedule changes etc. or use a parenting app. Do not reply or even acknowledge any communication slating him as a dad etc. Only messages regarding pick up times etc should be responded to. In an emergency situation police/hospital/school etc can call you DP so don't let this be an excuse not to block her. I've been with my DH for 4 years and we've had zero emergencies.

I know it's easier said that done, but stop caring what she thinks about you. She thinks he's a crap dad? So what. She hates you? So what. Do you really care about the opinion of a clearly unhinged racist? Don't pussyfoot around the 10yo. If she carries back stories to her mother let her. Nothing you can do about that really so just live your lives and ignore whatever the ex has to say about it. Let her fire her stupid emails into the ether and just ignore her.

Look up the grey rock method. It's been a godsend for us. Things will start to get better the more boundaries you have and the more you continue to not rise to her bullshit. She'll definitely kick off at first but she'll get bored eventually.

I have contemplated sitting down with the eldest and her father to just talk through anything that I can do to fix our relationship,

This is not a good idea. It assumes that you have, or should have, a close relationship with this child. It would be over-stepping and the child would react badly.

Do you do actual 'parenting' or childcare for his children? Clean up after them? Do their laundry? Look after them when DH is not there?
I suggest you try to withdraw from all of this. Start with never being around them without DH being there, and never look after them in his absence.
Then cut down on other stuff you do for them like laundry or cleaning the rooms they stay in - your DH should be doing all this as part of parenting.
Never forget - you are not their parent, he is.

If the deal you have with DH is that he works and you do the 'parenting' part, you have got a bigger problem - it is not fair for DH to expect this of you, especially given the way they treat you.

DH should have such a talk with the child, without you there.

Being a step mum in a functional, happy, working family and having close relationships with step-children, even bringing them up as your own, can happen, but it can only work if their actual parent, your DH, has a really strong relationship with his own children and fully takes part in parenting them himself.

When the man leaves parenting to the 'new' woman, it rarely works out well.