Finding boundaries with DSD's new mobile

[SallyOhxx]

DSD, 10, has recently got a new mobile given to her by her Mum. (DH wanted to wait another year until she was in secondary school ). He said she could bring this at weekends round ours as she said she was missing out from texting her school friends so he agreed. DH did lay down some ground rules though in that we respected our privacy i.e. didn't want pictures being taken of us, and no Face-timing other than in her room.

Trouble is, her Mum seems to be bombarding her with messages & calls and it's beginning to really grate on me. It's a hard thing to explain but it does feel like an invasion of privacy at times. I must say that this may be down to the fact that she was quite high conflict at the start of DH & I relationship (we're married now and been together 6 years). So it feels like all the emotions I was feeling at the start are now rushing back to the surface.

I pick her up from school occasionally when my DH is working and it's not even 5 minutes in the car and 'ping' her Mum is texting asking if she's ok. Then all weekend she will ask my DSD what we got up to that day, who we've seen, what did she have for dinner, that she misses her & can't wait to see her. The way the contact schedule works is that DH has her EOW (Fri through Mon) plus every Wednesday night, and even on the single nights the same texting pattern continues. We are not seeing the full extent of the messages either, as it's only what DSD tells us. I do get the feeling sometimes that she feels she has to reply to her so not to upset her.

This Sunday just gone for instance, DH had to nip out to the hospital for a few hours as his Mum is poorly so I looked after DSD. We had sat down about 6pm to watch a film together, everything was lovely but 45 minutes in and her Mum rings and she literally jumps off the sofa to speak to her. I can hear her Mum asking if she's washed her hair! It just seems pointless phone calls at this point.

I have spoken to DH about this and he's not happy about the level of messages either. I think if DH had been home yesterday he would have nipped that convo in the bud rather quickly, but I feel like it's not my place to. He also doesn't want to say she can't message her Mum when she's round (I don't want that either) but how can we draw these boundaries?

Do people think this level of contact from Mum is necessary when she's round her Dad's? This is a new thing we're navigating so any advice welcomed, thank you.

I think it’s a bit unfair for your DH to have her every weekend. Mum’s probably missing her and might have more time off to contact her. Your DSD also loses all her weekend time with her friends. That’s probably why she needs the phone in the first place - you’re both monopolising the whole of every weekend when she might just want to be at home. It might be better to share weekends and your DH can have her more often for the day midweek. That way you can say no to phones and it’ll be fine.

We have her 'EOW' so every other weekend.

EOW means every other weekend…

I think that what is likely happening here is that it's a new phone, and mum and DSD are finding the right levels of comms for each other. Possibly made worse if mum finds it quite hard to let go - which is true for a LOT of parents.

I'd be saying gently (or perhaps your DH more than you), oh, can you just let your mum know you're okay and come back to watch the film - I don't want to lose the momentum or whatever.

The trick with a new phone is to teach the child about how to use it appropriately. I think it's often obsessive use, MUST RESPOND INSTANTLY, at first, and then that settles down after a while.

The novelty will probably wear off soon.

I agree the novelty may wear off soon, but also perhaps a chance to set some mobile phone boundaries/rules for everyone in the house? No phone at the dinner table, phones on silent and on chargers) when watching movies or games as a family. Teaching (and modelling) that phones are for our convenience, not to be at others beck and call.

Agree with @3LemonsAndLime

Good idea to set some common sense rules for your home such as no phones in bedroom overnight etc.

Your DH should check what restrictions there are - hopefully she doesn’t have unfettered access to the internet and social media?

If he only sees his kid a pitiful 4 days a month he doesn't really have a place implementing petty rules about inconsequential things.
Why does he not want to parent more than 52 days a year?

Why so angry?
Not sure how you worked that one out anyway...10 days a month if we don't count the Monday mornings plus half of school holidays so that equals around 160 days a year.

No social media thankfully although does say she watches TikTok round Mum's but no idea if that's regulated in anyway. She doesn't round ours.
Yes maybe it will quieten down, we are around 4 months in now though as started at the beginning of the school holidays...

Why isn't she allowed to take pictures of her dad?

When I first got a phone I was happy to receive a message from anyone - my mum included. Tbh I don't see the issue, it's understandable that mum wants to connect with her and vice versa. Like another person said- want can't she take pics of her dad? Either way I don't think it's a massive issue. Just tell her no phone at the dinner table / bed or whatever your rules are and be sure she can't access anything inappropriate. But I totally understand the mum texting a lot - especially if she's an only child and the mum has no bf? If my 10 yo was away from me for 4 days I'd want to know what they were doing as well. Not excessively but everyone is different.

No idea where you see anger.
Every other weekend, as you wrote, is 4 days a month.

It’s all new. I don’t think level of contact is too much.

I would only say to her, hey if we are watching a film or you are busy, here is this nifty setting on your phone that will auto text any caller “sorry I am busy and will return your call later”

I wouldn’t be putting in boundaries, I’d be teaching DSD how she can set boundaries herself.

My adult DDs are texting me everyday and I them. One sends me her outfit of the day every morning. 🌅
It’s really up to the DSD and her mum how often they want to text or chat.

Sorry but you are 100% in the wrong.

Because the reality is that you’re not annoyed that your DSD has a phone and is using it, you’re annoyed that she’s talking to her mum.
If she was texting and talking to friends would you be annoyed? I suspect not.

It’s one of those situations where a parent seems to think that if the child is with them then the other parent should be out of sight out of mind. When actually, DSD has two parents, and she is at liberty to talk to them whenever she wants.

Out of interest, does her dad ever text or call her when she’s at her mum’s?

She's 10 and away from her home and her main parent. Pretty normal I'd say.

@ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps The OP said Friday through to Monday morning and every Wednesday so on average that's 10 nights a month.

I think mum seems like she's just having general chit chat with her daughter, I understand your back might be up if she was high conflict initially but how would you feel if mum made this thread about your DSD texting her dad on non contact days?

This is a hard one, I might send my DD a message or 2 when she's with her dad but it's normally stuff I see that she will like etc or I know she was excited about something ill send a msg to say have a good time. I wouldn't ring her unless it's a big occasion. I do insist she puts her phone away for things like watching a movie or if we are having some quality bonding time, maybe you could suggest no phones during movie and meal times?

If it’s every other weekend then you shouldn’t say or do anything. She’s less likely to want to come to yours if she can’t communicate with her mum / friends & by taking it away the relationship with her dad will be as good as dead.

I have a 10yr old. (And a 15yr old). They live with both parents although dad works late/away often).

Our rules:
Facetime/video calls are restricted to your room..noone else wants to be included without warning with your mates!

You don't take pics of people without asking- and a No response means no arguing. We've also had a conversation about the backgrounds of photos that are being shared with friends.

No phones at the table / activites like films.

They must have location share on when out without us. (Never been an issue but might be I guess if Ex starts tracking your activities). If that's an issue maybe when you're out as a family rhe phone is off / at home.

They have about 45mins once in from school then phones are away until homework/jobs are done. What they get after that depends on the evenings activities. I find that time allows them to sort stuff with friends but then it Peters out anyway.

No phones upstairs after bedtime... computers tablets etc are also restricted then.

Nothing draconian- though I'm sure some will disagree - just attempts to form good habits.

Phones and constant communication are both a blessing and sometimes a necessity to life, but also a nightmare. For adults as well as kids.

Or they let it continue and all the phone calls and messages about how mum misses her etc makes the child feel torn between seeing her dad and leaving mum.

i don’t think there’s much you can do tbf. My brothers ex did this, and it meant the dc felt incredibly guilty for “leaving” mum when mum missed her so much. When dc wanted to spend extra weekends/days with dad the pattern ramped up and often they’d go home early as they were worried about mum missing them too much.

it can be a guilt trip/emotional manipulation. But as I said, what do you do. You can’t say the child can’t contact mum, you can’t ban the phone completely. All you can do is ride it out and hope the child figures it out.

Bit extreme isn't it? DH has never said he will take the phone away, it's just about setting some boundaries and determining what is & isn't acceptable.

And as for DSD not wanting to come....I mean she's been perfectly fine for 5 years coming round without having contact with her Mum. It never seems to be DSD initiating contact! No one has any issues with a 'good night' text and an 'I love you text'...it's the constant harassment tbh and this is what DH had when they first split. It all just seems a bit much.

I don't see how her talking to her mum daily is an issue. My ex rings our children everyday.🤷‍♀️.

She is getting to an age where they do start pulling away from having to go between homes. It's not unexpected nor unreasonable. You wouldn't like to be doing it.

I think the point to remember is that DSD’s relationship with her mother is just that, her relationship with her mother. DSD will need to work out her own boundaries there as she grows up.

In our house (single parent) we have no phones at meals, no phones during board games or movies; video calls only in their rooms. No social media (although DD is at university now so that’s up to her). I don’t monitor DS’s communication with his dad or have any idea how often they text, to be honest. I only know if he mentions something his dad has sent him or something like that. It’s not my business.