I'm Watching OH and DSS Relationship Go Downhill

[Bookworm1980]

DSS is 12 nearly 13 and has been part of my household with his dad (my OH), his other siblings and my kids for around 4 years now. DSS stays with us 3 nights per week. Up until recently there have been no major issues at all. OH has a great relationship with his 3 sons, and I think I've done a good job of being involved but not overstepping the mark - letting OH parent his kids etc. The DSS at the centre of this issue is obviously at that transitional age and of course moods/hormones etc play a massive part in everything.

DSS started Year 8 last month. No concerns. He does have mild (undiagnosed!) SN but school recognises this and accomodates his needs. He has specific sensitivities to the school bell for example, so is allowed to leave the classroom prior to the bell going off. He also doesn't react well to changes of routine or when plans suddenly change.

Since starting Year 8, DSS has been choosing not to come to our house. His 'main home' with his mum is literally round the corner, and we allow DSSs to come to ours whenever they want regardless of whether it's officially 'our day' or not - the door is always open we say to them and they know they are welcome.

But now DSS is choosing to stay at his mum's house pretty much all the time. We are seeing less and less of him. OH FaceTimes him regularly and they have a couple of minutes chat. OH says 'he's fine' but I can see that it is hurting him that his son doesn't seem to want to come to our house on any of the 3 days we're scheduled to have them.

Of course I have explained to OH that he needs to speak to his ex and make sure there's nothing causing this, but he said he doesn't want to make it a big issue or upset his son by making him feel guilty for staying at his mum's house. I respect that point of view. But I see and feel the sadness this is causing my OH, even though he says he's fine. On a day to day basis it might not seem a big problem but I'm thinking of the 'bigger picture' (which OH struggles to see) and I worry about their previously strong bond being eroded.

Any advice? Do I leave them to figure this out or push OH to encourage his son to come to ours even though he appears happier at his mum's?

Is it worth your OH maybe taking him out for the day and having a chat with him about why he is no longer staying? It's good you guys haven't pushed him and as kids get older they do start to prefer staying at one house as all their stuff's there etc, although for me I started doing this at 17. My DSS can be extremely awkward if asked direct questions that he feel may upset someone so if he doesn't say anything to your OH he should ask mum. Mum doesn't even need to tell your DSS that dad has asked the question. They should be able to coparent as adults to ensure your DSS is ok.

I would be curious if this being a more extreme age appropriate behaviour due to SN. From friends sons with SN that age was particularly challenging and it seemed some of their reactions were amplified.

I would encourage DH to identify a weekly one in one engagement. A smoothie together, a task would the son help with a set task? So it isn't social but is helping his dad.

At that age as you probably know they are really at the crap end. You want to run the world and run away from it. I always found asking them for specific help worked well. And it gives responsibility, a bit of self confidence when you can notice his maturity etc.

Whatever keeps communication open will benefit in the long run.

The golden rule of step parenting is not to care more than the parents do or you'll drive yourself mad. If your partner isn't prepared to push this and the child's mother isn't concerned about it then there's literally nothing you can do.

It could be that as he's getting older, he doesn't want to be moving from house to house.

Even though he's done it for a while, it can get tiresome after a while.

@PrawnAgain This is a very wise golden rule. Let DH sort it out or not.