Manners

[Justanormaldad]

I’ve been with my wife for 15 years and have two step children and son of my own with my wife. Was together about 5 years before we got engaged and married a year later and that’s when it all changed. I’ve always believed in being polite and having manners in and out of the house but my wife and step children find it funny that I say please and thank you indoors and when I mention that they should aswell they all just laugh, fortunately my son is following me with often reminders.
I feel like whenever I try talking to anyone they are just on the phone and I feel like I’m a ghost and that my son is the only one who sees and here’s me.
Am I being over the top expecting such a basic thing indoors?
Outside the house they are polite though.
outside of this I feel like whatever I say is just overlooked and ignored and I’m not allowed to tell her kids off or discipline them.
Basically I feel like I made a mistake and my wife’s true personality came out after we were married but feel like I can’t leave because of my son.

I think manners are a sign of respect for each other. I say please and thank you to my children and they say it back to me - I do regularly have to remind them at times but I think it's a polite way to be so YANBU.

If you aren't happy you can leave for whatever reason you want to. Have you tried talking to your wife calmly and clearly saying that this upsets you? Would you consider couples therapy?

I agree with you and I think things like this should start at home even more so when you have children.
Ive spoke about it quite a few times and just been told I’m being silly.
My wife has counselling and I’ve suggested couples therapy in the past but she isn’t interested.

Sorry to hear that home life is tricky, OP.

I completely agree on manners. Please and thank you is the most basic level of respect we can show at any time to anyone. You should not compromise on this - you are right!

A few questions... How old are your SC and how much time do they spend with you? Does your wife's behaviour only change when they are there or is it all the time?

Hi,
They are 15,17. They are at home pretty much all the time apart from when they are out or school etc.
Wife is very defensive of them and if anyone says they have done something wrong she will jump to their defence and come up with a reason why it wasn’t their fault.
I suppose she does change slightly when they aren’t home and is in a better mood.
They aren’t bad kids by the way

Thanks - meant to ask, broadly, why your wife is having counselling (just wondering if it's a clue to why she's doing this).

I would carry on saying it every time, give up asking them to but do push back if they laugh about it. I'd say "There's no need to laugh/poke fun/be mean".

I don't like the idea that they are ganging up on you 3 v 1. Do they do this on other things, too?

Counselling is mainly for anxiety as she’s had a lot happen in life prior to us meeting.

It isn’t all the time but normally if I take my wife’s side on something then somehow it ends up her agreeing with the kids and all disagreeing with me.

It sounds wider than the manners thing. This would make me feel really sad and lonely.

I was wondering if she had experienced abuse in a previous relationship which may have made her more adamant about not complying with a partner (benefit of the doubt).

There's a breaking point for all of us. If she is a good partner is every other way and doesn't expect you to do/provide everything for her and her sons then there is hope. If you feel like you're no longer a team on any level then I'd be reconsidering the marriage.

Her ex was abusive and I’ve said a few times that I think part of the reason that she constantly disagrees with me is because she now has a voice where as before she had no say in things.
I’ve always said I’m all or nothing and I’m all in and treat them like my own and it’s fine when I’m buying things or doing things etc but I’m not allowed any discipline towards them or even to question them with things.
With the child we have together it’s completely different obviously.

Your wife sounds graceless and rude. You are absolutely right to expect manners and respect at home and I’m pleased your influence is rubbing off on your son.