Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Help! I dont like my step-kids.

29 replies

CustardInMyPockets · 19/09/2024 20:24

So, I know I'm not going to come off brilliantly here, I'm not here to try to set myself up as a martyr or a victim, I'm just hoping for some advice from those who have walked this path before me and managed it better than I am currently.

My partner and I have been together for 4 years, we live together, we love each other very much. His late wife passed 8 years before we met, he had a couple of other relationships in between. I have one adult child (26) who gets on well with my partner.

My partner has two adult children (19 and 22) and I just don't like them. I experience them to be entitled, totally self-centred, lazy and often arrogant and spiteful to others. I wont labour the point by listing examples, I'd just be venting.
Obviously they have positive qualities too, they are intelligent and witty and talented, but I cant seem to focus on those good qualities enough to enable me to like my step children.
I don't know what to do. They frustrate me so much I find myself silently screaming at them in my head. I'm counting the days until they leave home, but as neither of them seem to have any plans to do so, I don't know when that will be.
I've tried talking to my partner, and sometimes we've managed to talk reasonably about it - and sometimes we've argued. I hate arguing with him and causing him upset so I've stopped talking about it.

So basically, can someone please tell me how to like them? Or failing that, tell me how to stop my dislike of them eating away at me?

OP posts:
Workingmim · 19/09/2024 20:34

I wonder what the situation with your house is? Did you move in with your partner and they see the house as 'theirs'? Would it be possible for you to renegotiate house rules as a family and address some of the behaviours that you find the most infuriating in this way?

Stepusername · 19/09/2024 22:06

Is the main problem that you all live together, or would you struggle to like them if you saw them once a month for a weekend?

I think you need some clarity from your partner on his expectations around how long the children will be at home. It might be that they will always be welcome to live with him, and ultimately, you will need to decide if you want to live with them for the next 5+ years too. You need a plan.

If you've moved into their home, could you all move to a new place together? Could you move out and your partner live between your home and their's? Would your partner agree to downsize to somewhere for the two of you in an agreed time frame that the children know about?

Living with other adults you haven't chosen is tough, and it's difficult here as it's fairly common for 19 year olds to be entitled and lazy and self-centered around their parents. They are adults to you but maybe not to their dad in quite the same way.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/09/2024 22:11

Eh? Why did you move in together? Seems a strange choice.
Just live separately until they leave home surely?

Candyfluffs · 19/09/2024 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BeMintBee · 19/09/2024 22:15

I have a 19 year old who is self centred, lazy and arrogant. He also has some lovely qualities which are easier for me to focus on and love because he’s mine and I’ve known since he was all new and shiny. I’m quite sure if someone had dropped him on my doorstep in his current condition I would have returned to sender.

no advice really but chances are (I’m hoping) is that at some point they morph into someone more likeable but I don’t think it’s that unusual for you as a step mum to find them hard to like when they have some in likeable traits.

Askmehowiknow2021 · 19/09/2024 22:20

Maybe they don’t like you either? Maybe they “experience” you to be selfish and arrogant? Whilst these are not technically children, they lost their mother very young and you don’t seem to be giving them any allowance for that? Have you thought about how your now adult dc would have coped and behaved in the same situation?

MigGril · 19/09/2024 22:20

These two children lost their mother when they where quite young. I wouldn't be surprised if their father has over compensate a bit and many over indulge them to. But they don't sound worse them most young adults their age, surely as you moved in they must have already been there.

You must accept them and at lest learn to tolerate them until they are able to move out.

Bringonchristmas36 · 19/09/2024 22:20

11 and 14 are difficult ages at the best of times let alone loosing their mum. Could you let a lot go, negative energy is exhausting and this must be tiring for you.

Elizo · 19/09/2024 22:20

Do you think they are maybe just behaving how children do with their parents. Do we all just tolerate behaviour from our DC because we have a history and see more good than bad. Can you do anything to strengthen your relationship with them? Some fun things? I’d be tempted to live elsewhere personally until they are older…

BruFord · 19/09/2024 22:25

I agree with PP's that living together doesn't sound like the best idea right now. One of my friends is in a LTR (eight years) and they are deliberately keeping separate homes until all of their children have moved out.

Swanbeauty · 19/09/2024 22:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Adhddistractions · 19/09/2024 22:30

They lost their Mum at very tricky ages. Just separate and find someone without DC.

muggart · 19/09/2024 22:35

Why do you have to like them? When I was 18 my DM met her partner. I can't say I particularly liked him but my DM did, which was enough of a reason for me to accept him into my life and be kind to him.

Haroldwilson · 19/09/2024 22:36

Are they causing actual domestic practical issues, or just not being overjoyed at your company? Like are they trashing the place, coming in late etc?

If it's just general rudeness tbh I'd just drop my expectations, give up on trying to make a happy family work and just coexist as best you can, as if you were housemates. Maybe they'd want to build a relationship more if everything felt more neutral. It sounds like a household with a lot of tension.

Lemonadeand · 19/09/2024 22:44

I experience them to be entitled, totally self-centred, lazy and often arrogant and spiteful to others.

I think that kind of age (18-23ish) is the absolute peak of being self-involved and perhaps also entitled for many young adults. It’s almost like they need to be a bit selfish and self-focused in order to make the transition to adulthood and become independent. They tend to take their parents for granted and expect all the benefits of childhood still (gifts, help etc) and haven’t yet stepped into the responsibilities of adulthood properly yet when it starts to occur to them that maybe they should pay for their own meals etc. It must be harder to deal with when they’re not yours and you don’t love them. But they may well turn out to be nice people in a couple of years.

TootieeFruitiee · 19/09/2024 22:53

Why did you move in? It’s their house.

GildedRage · 19/09/2024 23:30

somehow magically at 25 they seem to become more mature and reasonable.
nothing good will come of your relationship with this.
good luck.

Original poster
CustardInMyPockets · 20/09/2024 10:31

Thank you so much for all the helpful, thoughtful comments provided here. Its much appreciated and I'll definitely take some of the advice provided. 💚

To the few who just lashed out and judged without being able to contribute anything considered or helpful...sorry but you didn't upset me, good luck with being you!😘

OP posts:
Hekett · 20/09/2024 17:04

I can honestly sympathise.

My DH has completely spoiled his 3 DC and they have turned into self centred young adults as a result.

I only ask for basic courtesy, like “hey, can you tell me if you use the last of something so I can replace it” but it’s in one ear and out of the other. They bring friends over daily at any time they feel like it without letting us know. They work part time because they can’t be bothered to work full time, and DH continues to sub them so they have no incentive to work full time (he just gave one of them £300 for her car repair - a car which ofc we bought!). They don’t contribute anything to the house, they do no housework and pay no board, and I get attitude and snark if I ask them to do basic things like clean up after themselves or not leave laundry in the washing machine for days at a time.

I have NOTHING in common with them, our backgrounds are completely different and I honestly find it exhausting even making pleasant conversation. It’s ground me down so much.

Plus the eldest moved out but is now back home, he can’t afford to pay his rent due to losing his job (not his fault) but we’re now stuck paying his rent as guarantors, so that’s another £1k a month out of my pocket.

I was just away with friends and I felt so light and stress free when I was away, but the second I got home I felt like crap again. It’s horrible living with people who don’t respect you and who treat you like a fucking maid!

(Their mum moved abroad for a new bloke when they were under 5 so DH has also massively over compensated as a result).

howtoparentandstaymarried · 22/09/2024 21:50

Sending empathy and following for tips on how to deal with this difficult entitled self centred age!
I really need the part of me that wants the better relationship to start trumping the part that gets annoyed with the behaviour!

Albatrossing · 23/09/2024 13:12

I'm impressed with you ignoring the mean responses and responding to the helpful ones OP!

This is such a natural problem. I second what others have said about kids at 19/20/21 who aren't your own, seeming VERY tricky! Is there any way you could make sure that your low-level anger is expressed politely but firmly? I'm not sure it will get a response, but it might be good for you. I know that when you're worn down with this stuff, and you're trying to just swallow it and swallow it, it will eventually explode destructively, and suddenly you'll be the bad guy (ahem, not from experience at all, obvs... err...)

thestepmumspacepodcast · 23/09/2024 15:09

OP - Is living separately until they do leave home an option?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2024 15:16

Move out. They are well aware you don't like them, I assure you. I feel sorry for them, honestly. They lost their mother at very difficult stages, and you're what, the third "step-mother" they've had in eight year? That's a tough road.

Isabellivi · 23/05/2025 23:32

So weird at 19 and 22 they live with parents. I would tell my partner that it’s time for his kids to leave the nest. It’s not that you don’t like them, it’s that they ARE spoiled and entitled living at home. It’s normal you would get sick of having adult children as room mates.

Hekett · 24/05/2025 09:07

Isabellivi · 23/05/2025 23:32

So weird at 19 and 22 they live with parents. I would tell my partner that it’s time for his kids to leave the nest. It’s not that you don’t like them, it’s that they ARE spoiled and entitled living at home. It’s normal you would get sick of having adult children as room mates.

It’s more weird that you think it’s weird! Perfectly normal for your children to live at home at that age, given the cost of living.