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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

SC keeps threatening pets!

62 replies

yorkshirerose90 · 19/09/2024 11:11

As title says really. I'm fed up of hearing sc threatening my cats and puppy. For context they're 13 so not a little child. He does have behaviour issues and he's never actually hurt any of them but the constant threats are really getting my back up and I don't know what to do. If I say anything which I very rarely do as I leave it to my partner, I'm met with a barrage of attitude and swearing abuse. Partner is quite good at discipline sometimes but the relentless nature of his behaviour means he usually gives in before he should but that's a whole different thread. I've spoke to my partner and said I'm sick of it and if it carries on I don't want him in our house but that would mean partner leaving also and we also have a child together. I'm really at a loss. I'd never leave them alone coz I absolutely would not trust them not to hit the puppy when she's jumping excited etc. Anyone else had anything like this before and how did you deal with it? Or am I being over sensitive when they've not actually hurt any of them that I know of (yet)?

OP posts:

NavyCream · 19/09/2024 11:52

Worrying that a 13 year old has no empathy for animals.

Pantaloons99 · 19/09/2024 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AmeliaEarache · 19/09/2024 11:53

Do you have children of your own other than your shared 4yo? If so, how is the stepson with them? Is he violent to his younger full sibling when at your house or just at his mum's house?

ginasevern · 19/09/2024 11:57

God OP, this is awful. You know what you need to do for your child and pets' and your own safety. Animal abuse is always a precursor to depraved crimes. Please get yourself, your child and animals away from this extremely disturbed teenager.

Original poster

yorkshirerose90 · 19/09/2024 12:00

AmeliaEarache · 19/09/2024 11:53

Do you have children of your own other than your shared 4yo? If so, how is the stepson with them? Is he violent to his younger full sibling when at your house or just at his mum's house?

Yes I have one daughter and partner has another daughter with same ex who is completely different in every way.
So he barks at them and has threatened to hit them before (they're all younger but only by a couple of years) and that's what I first ever said anything about, he was sat a the table having tea and told his sister he was gonna hit her so I told him off for the first time and I got hit with a barrage of abuse, this was a couple of years ago now. Usually kids are in bed/playing in their rooms when he comes in so doesn't see them a great deal. He is awful to his sister at home as it was put on the statement by social services that he seeks her out not the younger one pestering him etc my daughter and his daughter get on very well. The thing with the pets last weekend was only the second time I've ever said anything as I always leave it to his parents.

OP posts:

MillyMollyMandHey · 19/09/2024 12:04

Sounds like a very unhappy child who isn’t being adequately parented by either of his parents, how sad for him.
However, he is not your problem and you need to protect your child and pets from this negative behaviour.

This nails it. He will probably get worse in his later teens too.

Saintmariesleuth · 19/09/2024 12:05

OP, this situation sounds awful for everyone involved. From your description, your stepson obviously has severe issues going on, and it doesn't sound like his parents are managing this effectively. He clearly needs more help, but it isn't your role to provide it.

In your shoes, based on the fact that this boy has choked out a younger sibling and is violent and aggressive towards his own mother, I would be living apart from partner and taking my son and animals with me. Partner would not be getting a key to my home in case it ended up in the hands of stepson.

I would also be insisting that your child only sees his father when your stepson isn't around. If that isn't adhered to, I would be speaking to social services and a solicitor.

Pantaloons99 · 19/09/2024 12:05

Does his dad ever say anything to you about how clearly different his son is? I think it's impossible for you to understand how it might be if he's caring for your shared child but the way he is as a father right now is something you need to observe

Alot depends if you want to stay together and live separately - which could be workable.

Has the boy had counselling? He needs it and hopefully they'd open up the eyes of parents. He must be diagnosed ADHD to access the medication. They won't just give that out.

TillyKister · 19/09/2024 12:06

OP you need to tell your Partner to move out!

Theres no way that you can watch your animals and child 24/7.

I appreciate you've got a child together, but you need to protect your child and pets. Your Step son is 13, and his behaviour is extremely dangerous. He's going to get worse as he gets older, as nothing is in place now to curb his harm and cruelty.

If your Partner moves out, and has visitation, you will have to put safeguarding practices in place to ensure your little boys safety. He will have to have contact on different days/times.

You cannot remain in this situation. You need to accept that this isn't going to work out. This is much worse than a bit of bad behaviour. Physical abuse already shown that. He's dangerous.

Starlight1979 · 19/09/2024 12:08

ginasevern · 19/09/2024 11:57

This.

Original poster

yorkshirerose90 · 19/09/2024 12:11

Just to address a couple of things.
Counselling has been sorted out but he refuses to go. He refuses to engage with his social worker aswell he is just rude and tells her to fuck off.
If partner grounds son his mum lets him out as soon as he gets home. If he gets kicked out of school his mum blames the school etc my partner doesn't know what to do anymore. He always has to be the one doing the discipline so he's always the bad guy and then son doesn't wanna see him so it's hard I suppose.

OP posts:

Chocolatecookiesandtea · 19/09/2024 12:13

Could be conduct disorder. A relative had this and a pet was harmed it was awful keep him away from your pets

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 19/09/2024 12:15

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Sorry but what?

Nothing in the OPs posts indicate autism.

I'm by no means an expert on autism. I am autistic and so is my child and so the circle we have cultivated within our friendship groups also has a lot of autism, autism advocacy and autism education, but anecdotally none of them are animal abusers either so maybe I'm missing something, but that statement you just made sounds very ableist and incorrect.

Pantaloons99 · 19/09/2024 12:18

Ok that's incredibly difficult. I am on multiple parents groups where horrendous situations like this are occurring ( all Neurodivergent). I appreciate it's so much easier said than done to address it.

This kid needs a significant amount of time and attention. Its going to get much worse and you can't control what the mum is doing ( which sounds like it's making it worse). Your partner should be 100% committed to helping sort this out with his ex. I just don't sense that he is. If you suggest separating I hope so much he doesn't take it out on this kid.

The adults need to sort this out. Duck out OP. You're powerless really and that's a horrible position to be in. Nothing you can do is going to help improve this situation.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 19/09/2024 12:23

In fact, outward displays of empathy towards animals is usually something that is looked at as being a soft autistic trait as pets don't show ambiguous communication styles and autistic people tend to have a really strong sense of justice.

There's a question in the aq50 test they send you about cutting up a worm and it's purposefully ambiguous to separate those who would chop the worm up to see how it reacts and those that wouldn't because it's cruel.

A lack of empathy and threats of animal abuse are more personality disorder territory.

Paganpentacle · 19/09/2024 12:23

He would not be in my house, or near my kids or animals.

Pantaloons99 · 19/09/2024 12:24

@Jimmyneutronsforehead your family sounds lovely. My son is Autistic and ADHD. He's wonderful and he doesn't do this.

There are a tonne of red flags for PDA in everything OP says. He's ADHD so the stretch is not such a huge one.

There's a huge amount going on here but understanding the context may help him. I appreciate how offensive it is and accept that

I add that NT people can be absolutely vile and disgusting!

Pantaloons99 · 19/09/2024 12:25

@Jimmyneutronsforehead I completely accept that regards empathy! I understand it's misconceived.

TheShellBeach · 19/09/2024 12:26

Exactly. Thank you. I'm also autistic, with three autistic children. We all absolutely love our cats and dogs.

Whatever is going on with the child in the OP, she needs to protect her other DC and the cats and the puppy.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 19/09/2024 12:27

Regardless of what it is it's not the OPs responsibility to get investigated or accomodate.

I agree this child's needs are not being met and he's the product of poor boundaries by both parents and I feel sorry for the OP and her children and pets as they deserve safety.

It would not be an overreaction to end the relationship over this.

Pantaloons99 · 19/09/2024 12:33

@Jimmyneutronsforehead yes agree with you on that. It is kind of irrelevant to OP and her position.

I find the whole thing utterly tragic for everyone and that includes this 13 year old. But addressing all that's another thread.

ChipsCheeseAndGravey · 19/09/2024 12:56

I would personally run away. Hurting animals is a classic precursor to hurting people. He hasn’t harmed your animals, that you know of. At he's going to be full of hormones soon and will probably be much bigger and stronger than you, cut your losses and leg it. Being raised by a single parent is better for your child than being abused by their sibling.

mitogoshigg · 19/09/2024 13:10

This sounds like a complex psychological problem that both parents are completely out of their depths with. His parents need a joint strategy but from what you write it's close to needing specialist therapeutic residential care as he deserves a chance

TheShellBeach · 19/09/2024 13:12

..........................but from what you write it's close to needing specialist therapeutic residential care as he deserves a chance

What specialist residential care would that be?

Irridescantshimmmer · 19/09/2024 13:33

They start with the pets first, then children next. You will need to come to an agreement with your partner, because right now the situation is riddled with red flags.

Protect your DC and pets.

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