Unhappy DSD

[wikkidstepmum]

I've been with my DP for 3 years. His kids are 12 and 4 (his ex left him whilst pregnant). We're getting on OK as a happy '2nd family' but I'm really worried about the eldest girl and could really do with some advice.

Her mother suffered from terrible PND and as a consequence, never really bonded with her. Although there's a lot of love the relationship has always been fragile. When the younger one was born everything was happy and rosy, the ex has since had a new baby with new husband & has good relationship there too. (No signs of PND)

My concerns about DSD, who's a total sweetheart & everything I could want in a SD, is that she's being pushed out at home. Mainly because of the age diff between her & the younger 2. She's desperate to live with us full-time which is currently not really viable. She's the sweetest, loveliest girl, so happy & helpful when with us, but obv. not happy when she has to go back to her mum. Generally DP & I get on well with his ex (tho not with her hubby) but because of PND issue this one is really sensitive & I don't know how to handle it or what to suggrst to DP.

Sorry to go on so much!!

I don't really know what to suggest TBH. Why is it not viable for her to live with you? Would she be able to in the future? Maybe knowing in the future she could live with you would make a difference. the only other thing I can suggest is spending as much time with her as possible and letting her be at your house as much as you can.

When DSD came to live with us the logistics were a bit meh. In the end we decided I would give up work for a while (this was pre kids) so I could take her to and from school (she was 9) and she would feel like we wanted her there and her needs were being put first. Not that I'm saying if you stay in work you won't be doing that just that that is what worked for us.

Is there really no way she could live with you?

How much time does she spend with you? I'd make her feel as included as possible.......

I'm no expert, but I wonder how much of this is to do with previous PND etc., and how much is to do with the fact that, at 12, the elder girl is probably being expected to 'help out' and look after her self, where as the two little ones are taking up most of their mum's time......

12 can be a pretty difficult age, regardless of circumstance!

If she wants to live with you, and you would like her to live with you, then what's the problem? Even if it's not full time, could she not do 50:50 (my step daughters are pretty similar ages and come and go between here and mums without too much problem)

Why can't she live with you?

We live about 15 miles from them & both work full time doing long hours. She would either have to move to a new school (she loves her current one) or get public transport to school and back, and have childminder 3+ nights a week. We're looking to move closer to her, so at least she'll have a handy bolthole.