AIBU - clash of values?

[StressedMama88]

Been with DP 5 years. We have DSS13 who lives with his mum, my DD13, DS2 and one on the way.
I’m feeling like I’m done with step-parenting after this weekend but not sure if I’m being dramatic, possibly due to pregnancy hormones.
I’ve always had the rule that I don’t let the kids play with guns (this thread isn’t meant as a discussion about that as I know people have conflicting views) - I deeply dislike the whole idea and DP has always been aware of this.
It’s DSS’s bday coming up , I have asked DP a few times if he has any ideas for a present - he kept saying no, not sure etc. Found out yesterday that this wasn’t the truth as he had already discussed with DSS about getting him a gel blaster gun! He originally wanted to get him an air soft rifle…
I’m fuming because he has lied, because we always collaborate on presents but he knows this is something I will not agree to and because he is bringing his different children up with different rules.
He said that he knows how I feel and that the children who live in our home won’t be allowed to play with them but that I need to understand that his son is from a diff relationship and that it is none of my business!
I’m so hurt, I’m questioning what my role as a step parent is if I’m not allowed to contribute to even a birthday present. I have tried so hard over the years to be involved, to build a relationship and feel like I’m constantly pushed out. This is in stark contrast to the relationship DP has with my DD who are very close.
So AIBU - is it ok for different kids to have different rules and is it really none of my business?
or AINBU - DP has been disrespectful and needs to treat all kids the same?

How would you feel about your step son learning to shoot but in a way that makes it clear guns are not toys? Like your DH taking him clay pigeon shooting or target shooting at a proper rifle range?
I wouldn’t want a gel blaster gun in the house with young siblings. That would be the point I would really insist on in your shoes. They seem like a terrible idea to me.

@Bananapancakemaker I’m not sure on that one… I mean in a controlled environment has got to be better than just messing around at home but overall my general stance on it is that kids and guns don’t mix. I’m more hurt that he is aware of my values but has gone against them anyway because his son isn’t biologically mine.
Yeah I said to DP that I don’t want it to be our home , he kicked off at first saying I couldn’t say that as it’s his home too but he has now agreed he will get it sent to DSS mum’s house 🙄.

unfortunately and sadly how ever hard we try its always going to be none of our business as they are not our kids. But can you make them dinner and wash their clothes 🥲

ooh I love when the my kids aren’t your problem, none of your business line comes up. It made me immediately retract، I stopped contributing in every way you could imagine after hearing that line a few times. He may want to go for the different kid different choices line but he said same rules apply in the house, does he plan on letting his child take his toy back to mums?

Also my sons friend bought one round they went to the park and it caught a nearby kid and hurt them my sons friend was so upset he said he doesnt want it anymore

@Butterfly212 haha exactly this!! It’s infuriating! Plus over the years all the other Christmases and birthdays I spent time and money on gifts and doing birthday parties etc. Ugh!!! 😤

High chance mum won’t want it? Anyone buying such an item for my DS would be told to house it too!

@EG94 and @Galliano apparently DSS’s mum has agreed and ‘doesn’t have a problem with it’ so all of a sudden she’s turned from an ‘evil b*tch’ into the reasonable thinking one 🤨 . The gun will be staying there but I am not giving money towards and sadly he can’t say that it’s a present from both of us because it really isn’t.

Oh no that’s awful… good the kid decided he didn’t want it himself though

My son who is 12 has a couple of air soft (bb) guns. They are stored safely and never to be used without my permission. He has really enjoyed going to airsoft events, well only twice - as super expensive, but they wear all the gear, eye and head protection, and overalls and get to run around shooting each other, with loads of bases and hiding places. It’s so exciting for them, my son had an Airsoft birthday party too.

My DSS (13) has now gotten into it too, and spent his own pocket money he saved up on a gun. He takes his gun between here and his mums. He’s really keen to try an Airsoft event.

They can make targets in the garden - only with our permission and when the dog is shut away. Empty cans and bottles are the best, and when they get a good shot - they’re very pleased with themselves!

These guns are never taken out the house, unless to family houses (where they can set up targets) or between here and other parents’ home.

I just wanted to add another perspective.

also - never heard of a gel blaster, off to Google!

Airsoft is pretending to kill people with guns . OP I totally agree with your stance. However you arent able to put your own values on kids that are not biologically yours . Shit part of step parenting . Very disappointed in your DH though . Hope he doesn't try to allow it anywhere near your DCs

This sounds like it would make a mess?
I bought my DS Nerf guns when he was younger and he and his friends had great fun running around playing with them. My initial stance was no gun toys but I thought Nerf guns were not really sufficiently similar to real guns. I would draw the line at gel guns though due to the mess and anything like an air rifle as too much like a real gun.
DS is not into guns though, he has been paintballing once, enjoyed it but not enough to want to go back.

But to be honest, any man who calls the mother of his child an ‘evil b*tch’ deserves a wide berth to start with. How long before that name is applied to you?

If that's how he refers to his ex I think you have bigger issues than toy guns.

I agree with you btw, it wouldn't be coming into my house with my kids.

Thanks for all your responses. I still feel conflicted about whether it’s right that DP has different rules for his child from another relationship? What if our shared DC say they want a gun in the future and aren’t allowed but find out that their old half sibling had one?

@Crazystupidlove55 thank you it’s interesting to hear your perspective. I can completely see how playing with guns can be a fun activity for children but it’s just personally not something I agree with or will allow my children to do. This thread is more about the issue I have with my DP about conflicting views.

DP calling ex ‘evil b*tch’ has only happened once or twice following major fall outs but let’s say she isn’t his favourite person. They are civil most of the time but she is not easy to get on with and there have been many issues over the years as I’m sure other step parents have had experience with!

OP I don’t think YABU when it comes to being upset over how your DP handled this. The dishonesty and going against your wishes entirely without any sort of conversation or compromise would have really upset me too. We have 4 girls between us (DSD12, DSD8, my DD5 and our DD1) and I feel it’s more important than ever now that we have a shared child to ensure we treat all the girls equally and apply the same rules as best we can. Or else our shared DD1 is not going to know whether she’s coming or going when she grows up and sees her older siblings with different rules and expectations. I think it’s really difficult to maintain a positive blended family dynamic if you have completely different parenting philosophies/principles, but the bigger issue here is the dishonesty and complete lack of respect for you and your wishes.

Can you try talking to your DP again and explain how confusing it will be for the younger siblings to have different rules applied to them? Even telling you up front about his plan to buy the gel gun but ensure it gets sent straight to mum’s house would have been a better (and more considerate) approach, rather than expecting your children to see it and accept not being able to play with it. That seems really unfair.

Why do you think your opinion should trump his? Neither one of you is right or wrong, it's a difference if opinion, but you seem to think only your opinion should matter.

If that was me it would be a "not under my roof"

He can keep the gun at his mother's house

How are you going to del with the x box, playstation etc?

I have a sc and 3 of my own children. Sc is an only child and his mother seems to give him everything and anything. He had an Xbox at the age of 5 and now for his 6th birthday has had a smart phone.
I am of the stance that my house my rules. His phone will not be allowed in this house.
My youngest is 9 and often asks why sc is allowed things that she isn't and it's very hard to explain it to her.
I think the biggest issue here though is that dh has hidden something from you because he knows you won't be happy with it! He needs to realise that in your house you jointly make decisions. What sc does with his mum is none of your concern but what happens in your house really is. Especially if it could impact other children too.

I agree with this, and also feel that it’s something that needs to be resolved as a way of compromise between you and your partner. Listening and understanding each others point of view. I feel there must be all number of dads who want to play guns and nerf wars and further Airsoft or clay pigeon shooting, with their sons. But I also hear that you as mum might have such an engrained fear that allowing guns could lead to gun violence or criminality in the future.

Separate point of view to add, with boys/girls who get into guns/Airsoft in a safe way, this can sometimes a really good hobby in which gets them out and about, running, moving, meeting people, sharing knowledge about particular types of guns, savvy with money - my son always seems to want to save pocket money to buy gadgets or things to use during airsoft.

if it means they are spending less time glued to a screen, I’m for it.

I have mixed views.
You don’t have to contribute to it, and you can refuse to have it in your house, but you’re unreasonable to think that because you’re against something he should be as well.
You can have those shared rules for your shared dc, but don’t have the right to tell him how he should feel about his dc.

I don't think your stance is unreasonable at all.

The thing that would upset me here is hiding the truth. If your DH thinks this is no big deal (and none of your business 🙄) then why didn't he have the guts to be honest and open about it? If he's determined to have double standards then at least own them!