Advice from those who have done it

[Mumof3confused]

My children (10, 12 and 14) don’t yet know about my new partner even though we’ve been together for quite a while now (12m+). New partner has no children.

I’m just wondering realistically how to move my relationship forward and your experiences. Should I forget about us potentially moving in together in the next 3-5 years for the sake of the children, or could this be a positive move for them? Obviously assuming they all get on and like my new partner.

Personally I’d wait for moving in until the youngest has done GCSE’s, but no reason for them not to meet. I personally wouldn’t want to keep a ‘secret’ from my kids, when I expect them to not keep them from me.

Why would you wait? If you think you want to be together long term and it’s pointing that way then it’s only natural that you want to live togeher. As long as everybody is on board and gets on (reasonably- I know with teenagers there can be spats) then why not?

I think you can do two things. Firstly let your DCs know about him, and then, when they ask, introduce them. See how they get on.

As far as moving in together goes, I'd put that to one side until they have finished school. You may love the new boyfriend, but to them he is just some random bloke who would be invading their home.

Enjoy your teen-free liaisons. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.

This.

He's your boyfriend but they shouldn't have a stranger forced into their home.

As someone who's been the child in this situation - I wouldn't move him in until the children are adults / at uni.

He's your boyfriend, yes, but he's also a total stranger to them. You have chosen to have a relationship with him (which isn't a problem obviously!) but I don't think it's fair for you to choose to bring a strange adult man into your children's home (which should be their safe place) and make them coexist.

Especially if you've got daughters (I know it's probably the same or similar for sons but I'm only have a personal perspective as a daughter!) going through teenage years with an adult male in the house I wasn't related too was horrible. It just felt invasive of my space, I couldn't talk to my mum openly about girl things and I didn't feel comfortable relaxing in shared spaces in my home.

Moving your relationship "forward" can look different for different people, a relationship isn't measured by when you live together - especially when you have children to prioritise for a few more years, I think your situation will look different to people without kids in a similar relationship.

You need to talk to him. A lot of people say that their step father is more of a dad than their real dad was and relish the relationship.

Is he open to living with your kids? Where is their dad in all of this? And what do the kids themselves say?

Kids live at home longer and longer these days- th ey might not be gone for another 15 years. Are you happy not to live your relationship together for that long? Is he?

Going to have a chat with him but I want to have a good think about it before I bring it up. My worried would be the girls not feeling able to relax in their own home. On the other hand, their dad is useless and self absorbed so the experience of a healthy relationship could be a positive one.

I have my reasons for keeping the relationship to myself at the moment - their dad is emotionally abusive and he would absolutely use this to manipulate them against me and new partner. I also want to have conversations like this with my new partner to make sure we have the same hopes for the relationship before i introduce him.

You’re jumping way ahead to wondering about moving in together and really you should just focus on the situation step by step as it happens.

You need to let your children know you’re seeing someone (if you haven’t already)

float the idea of them meeting him and keep it casual and brief. Maybe a meet up at the park or something like bowling.

Just let it slowly progress. Don’t introduce him and then have him round every day of the week and expect it to all go smoothly. There will be bumps along the way but just listen to your children and respect their boundaries.

As a step child I’d also say stay living separately until the youngest is out the house.

Step families are more often than not quite toxic for the children involved, despite everyone’s best intentions at the outset.

Read a few of the threads on here to see how step parents really feel about their partner’s children. And the children always know despite what the adults think.

I’m not jumping ahead of myself and have been moving very slowly for the sake of the children’s wellbeing. I just want to know that if moving in together for the next 8 years isn’t on the cards, my new partner is on board with that, before I introduce him to the children. If it’s a dealbreaker for him, I need to know. I have no intention to have him over every day of the week, and will start slowly if and when the time is right.

When you have an abusive ex, the less control he has the better.
So doing things slowly and waiting until youngest is able to independently make arrangements to see him, the better.

Both for him and them it will be a huge shock.
Going from not having children to living with 3 teens is huge.

Very slowly introducing them to each other.
The more slowly you do it the better.
No sleeping over until they are very comfortable with each other.
Maybe a weekend away self catering.

The reality is very different to the dream of you all happily living together.

He could be a really nice man but the reality of a ready made family and the busy noisy chaos could have him overwhelmed and realising it isn't for him.
Who would blame any adult in that situation.
Take it very slowly.
If its working give it another year on the quiet before letting your ex get wind of it.
Enjoy the peace, such as it is.

@Mumof3confused I think a lot of posters gerr have negative experiences of being a step child or are first wives who don't like the idea of someone else living with their kids.

In reality there isn't a one size fits all approach to create a happy (or unhappy) home. As long as you take things as they come, allow your children to develop a relationship with him at their own pace and keep their best interests in mind then there's every chance you can have a happy home with him. There's no need to be making plans for 8 years time!

I think this is good advice.

I agree with @PrawnAgain it’s whatever suits you as a family. My step dad moved in about 9 months after my parents split and it was the best thing that could have happened, my own dad was abusive and didn’t want to know us as kids whereas my stepdad showed us nothing but love even I was an awful teen. He showed us what a loving relationship was like with my mum when we had only seen abuse.

my partner also moved in with me after about 18 months but was because of covid so we had to make a decision and the kids understood as was only supposed to be temporary. It’s had its ups and downs but we’re both good step parents to each others children and with the exception of raging hormones of teenagers it’s generally pretty good. We both had children the same ages though so both understand there are good and bad days