Room sharing not working out…

[LongLostSleep]

Hi,

Looking for some advice on bedroom sharing in blended families and how we could perhaps do things differently to maintain a positive family dynamic whilst also making best use of our space…

I have a 6 year old daughter from my previous marriage who lives with us two thirds of the time, including almost all school days. My partner has two daughters, 9 and 12, from his previous marriage. They spend every other weekend and half of school holidays with us.

We have a 1 year old daughter together.

For context, we live in a 5 bed house which has the master bedroom, another large bedroom & a small ish bedroom on the first floor, with two very large bedrooms on the top floor. The current room set up is:

We are in the master bedroom
The first floor large bedroom is the guest bedroom
The small ish room is DD1’s, although she’s still mostly in with us (terrible sleeper!)

On the top floor, my DD6 shares a room with partner’s DD9, and partner’s DD12 has the other room.

We both work from home, so my partner has the study downstairs, and we have recently made a little office ‘corner’ in the spare room for when I return to work in a few weeks time.

The issue we have is with DD6 and SD9 sharing a bedroom. When we moved into this house we decided to put the two girls in together as my parents would regularly stay over to provide childcare and other help, so we wanted a spare room. DD6 and SD9 are very similar in terms of interests, and we thought it would be nice for them to share…. For several reasons. However, it has been a bit of a rocky road so far. SD9 has on several occasions been caught stealing from DD6, and has done several ‘sneaky’ things such as hide DD6’s pocket money/precious belonging etc. This has led to difficulty trusting SD9 on my part, and questions about jealousy/insecurity etc all of which we are trying to address with compassion and understanding.

SD12 is starting to want her own space so we felt a room to herself was appropriate, despite it only being used a few nights a fortnight.

DD6 naturally has a lot more ‘stuff’ here due to schooling, hobbies etc all taking place from here, and SD9 and SD12 regularly take things from this house back to their ‘main’ home with mum. Something else we have been trying to address but it’s very difficult for several reasons. This also means SD12’s room (which is huge) is often feeling very empty and disused so to speak.

Anyway, there’s a lot more to it than that, but I am curious to know….

How would you lay rooms out in this house? Do you think a spare room is a waste of space? Do you think it’s right to have DD6 and SD9 sharing? Their relationship is good, I’d say, but there are definite undertones of jealousy and possibly even resentment building on SD9’s part.

Thanks in advance!! Xx

Put up a divider in the huge room and the two sisters share it.

As your daughter is there most of the time and it's her main house I think she should get a room to share.
Two sd in a room together. There are lots of clever ways to divide rooms up so they each get their own space.

Unless your parents stay over a lot, I would give everyone their own room to avoid the issues.

But I think it would be fine for you to keep an "office corner" in one of the rooms that your stepchildren use as presumably they aren't often there when you are both are working from home so you could use the study if DH is with the kids

If you have a spare room defo give kids their own room. We are a blended family and have desks in all the rooms a) for their homework and b) as a wfh space when they're not here.

You can always get them to share on odd occasions when you have guests, this may go better as it's less frequent

How often do the grandparents stay over? Is it quite regularly? If so then they obviously need a spare room. I'm not sure I'd give them the large room though, providing you can fit a double bed in the smallish room.
As your step daughters aren't at yours very often, I'd probably expect them to share. But then again. If the younger step daughter and your daughter get on ok then that's fine too. You'd have to address the stealing and sneakiness though.

So your six year old has a private space that gets invaded every time her step siblings come. Of course this is going to leave to tension. What's more surprising is you haven't even considered this.

The two older girls should be the ones to share for this reason, if they must share. You have decided instead to have the luxury of a spare room which you don't have enough bedrooms to facilitate this with.

You are going to have to reconsider options when having guests. That might mean kids sharing occasionally, but not all the time. Or sofa beds. Or parents using your room and you using a sofa bed.

You need to understand the need for your daughter to feel she has security and privacy and not feeling invaded every other week, just as much as the 12 year olds need for privacy. She's had a new parent, two old siblings and a younger sibling come and disrupt her feelings of security and stability.

Your decision to prioritise guests over your daughter says a lot about where she fits in the pecking order and your thoughts over decision making as a family tbh.

I guess the other question is how often do your parents and stepdaughters stay at the same time?

Is it an option to give one of them a double bed and your parents sleep there when the SD isn't around?

Use the spare room!!

Move SD9 to the spare room. If you need the spare room for guests when she's there, she can share with her sister (get a divider for privacy) or offer her your youngest small room and pop youngest in with you.

Your 6 year old is getting a really bad deal. Honestly please use the rooms you have got, there are enough. My mum used to make me and my sister share a tiny bedroom so the spare room (huge) could be keep for occasional guests. Madness!

So the baby has her own room and there is a spare room but the two girls are sharing? That is madness tbh

I agree with others; the children should each have their own rooms unless your parents stay more frequently then your SDs. I'd put the 9-yr-old on the same floor as you and the baby, with your 6-yr-old and 12-yr-old in the largest bedrooms on the top floor. Make sure each of the bedrooms has working space and set up the 12-yr-old with a double bed/twins so your parents can also use it.

If you're thinking you may have more children in the future, dividing the largest rooms may be worth doing sooner rather than later.

Unless you have guests more often than the kids are there is seems utterly ridiculous that there is a guest room and kids share.

I'd move your 1yo into the bigger bedroom. She can come in your room when you have guests on pull out bed. Cot, pull out and your desk should fit if big room. Alternatively split one of the big upstairs rooms into two for the 9 and 12 yo.

I would put the DSD's in the big room with a divider if possible. I would imagine the younger DSD (9) will appreciate knowing her stuff can stay there, untouched by her half sister. The older DSD (12) is likely to come and stay less once she is a teen and develops a separate social life.

I would either just give up having a spare room, and if you do have guests two of the children can share or one come in with you. Or I would put the two SD's in one room as its only every other weekend, dividing somehow if its large and feasible to do. And this comes from someone who also has a blended family. My two girls share a room at their dads, whilst their half sister has her own room as she is there most of the time. No way would I expect a child in the house 2/3 of the time to have to share with someone there every other weekend.

Either change the spare to one of their rooms, or take the biggest room you have and divide it properly.

All DCs have their own rooms, you have the space to do it. Siblings can share when GPs stay.

Your desk goes in the bigger room of your SDC.

I’d speak to the girls. I have twin 9yo and they are capable of voicing opinions about bedrooms. Personally I’d probably say a room each but if grandparents stay over the 9 yo has to bunk with the 12yo get a trundle bed to accommodate. Or they share and no one has to move.

I would make up an excuse that DD (6) needs to be moved to the middle floor beside you (perhaps ‘the baby needs her?’) in the current spare room. Then give the 2 older girls the choice, do they want to share or will 1 get the bigger room/double bed, but have to move out for guests- draw lots if necessary or agree to change over in a year. Put your office space in your bedroom.

As everyone’s said:

How often does the guest room get used?
Does that always overlap with the older girls staying over, or can one of those rooms double up as guest room?
If you need a home office too, can you split one of the “huge” rooms or reconfigure that floor into 3 rooms to allow for this?

Sounds like you’ve got loads of space. Maybe need to move a few walls around…

Use the spare room! Give one SD a double bed so GPs can stay in there when they visit and the other a trundle so that they can share when you’ve got everyone staying all at once.

Could you redesign upstairs as both are large rooms?
Possibly turn into 3 rooms with a bathroom upstairs.
2 DSD upstairs. 3rd room double as office and spare room!

All the girls need their space. All the girls may be be feeling the change in circumstances.
They have had to adjust to new step siblings, swaping weekends and holidays.
Now they have another new sibling who is only a half sibling to them all.

Spare room goes. You have too many children for the luxury of a spare room. Your 6 year old definitely deserves her own room. I would put the 9 year old on the first floor so you can keep a closer eye on her and to avoid her passing by the 6 year old' s room and deciding to help herself to things again.

Do your parents actually need to stay over to do childcare? It sounds like everyone has been considered over and above the 6 year old, even people who don't live there.

This is a good idea.

I'd move DD6 into the spare room, elder sisters are both together on the top floor.
Don't have a room such as a dining room downstairs which can be a makeshift bedroom for guests?