Partner Not Understanding the Mental impact of infertility.

[LunaRedbird]

Before I start I want to make it clear I love my Step Son (7 years) he brings so much joy to my life it is unbelievable. However I am struggling with my partner in regards to fertility. We want to have a child of our own however my fertility is an issue, it gets to me a lot. I have tried explaining to him how it makes me feel, he says he understands but I truly don’t believe he does and I was hoping I could get some advice here.

when we discuss the “issue” (not so much an issue but not sure what else to call it) he reminds me that I have my step son, which is true and I love him for that. But when I explain to him that it’s the small things I will never have that hurt that’s where I seem to lose him.
It kills me knowing I will not be called Mum, I would never in a million years expect my step son to call me this as I am sure it would hurt his mum’s feelings and he doesn’t look at me as a mother figure.
To have my other half tell me that I have my step son and that I love him as my own but be constantly reminded that he just isn’t my son. (This is done in conversation when he refers to him as My Son rather than by name)
I would love to bring our child in to the world knowing it’s coming in to a loving family, be able to experience all the firsts. Even attending a parents evening is on my mental list of things I feel I’m missing.
I’m aware it’s incredibly selfish and that there are so many other issues in the world but this is something that has been eating me alive for so long I just don’t know how to help him understand or to try and accept the hand I have been dealt. I originally joined net mums on another account to seek advice but couldn’t bring myself to do it feeling that it was such a fickle thing against everything else. Any and all advice/ constructive criticism accepted and will be taken on board.
Thank You

He won’t get it probably ever. Sorry. He has a kid, for him he will never miss out. Trying to say you have a stepson is like a replacement for your own child is testament that he really doesn’t get it at all. You might love him but he isn’t yours. Your husband is really I don’t know the word I want to say ignorant to expect the child he made with another woman will fulfil your motherhood dreams.

I always think of it like this, everyone would rather have a cat or a dog from pup or kitten to learn and grow together, put their own stamp on it, truly be theirs. Kids aren’t any different I don’t think.

I don’t know if the infertility is on your side or his but if his, I think you should ask how important it is to have kids because seeing him being a dad I think overtime will lead to resentment. If the infertility is your side, have you discussed IVF / adoption?

Your husband genuinely can't comprehend the difference between being a step-mother and actually having your own biological child? Is he this thick about everything, or is he being willfully obtuse?

I’m sorry OP I can see how difficult this must be. One of my best friends is currently going through this with her husband, he has 2 children with his ex and they have been trying to conceive for 2 years now. She is desperate for a child, whereas although he would like one, he doesn’t have that burning need as he does already have 2.

It’s something he is never going to be able to fully understand because he does have a child, whereas you don’t, so he isn’t missing out on anything (other than being able to do it all again).

Bizarrely you’d think he would understand as he was a step parent before his son came along.

Is it absolutely impossible for you!l? Ivf/adoption? And it’s very frustrating and strange that he can’t understand.

Due to medical conditions the chances of IVF working are incredibly slim, so slim the the financial side would be devastating for the amount of times we’d have to try. Adoption would be doable however he smokes and they require a minimum of 3 years smoke free.

I do think even if he has been a step parent before, it’s something men can never fully understand. Maybe because they aren’t the ones who conceive, go through pregnancy, carrying and growing a child, giving birth etc, it doesn’t always feel as personal to them as it does to women.

So you’re with a man who is entirely dismissive of your struggles with fertility, he expects a kid he made with another woman to soften the blow and he isn’t prepared to give up smoking to help you to be a mum? Kindly, is this the one?

I’m sorry to hear of your struggles with fertility. Having a step child isn’t the same as a biological child as pregnancy, birth and all of the hormones that comes along with it is not comparable no matter if you have a close bond with a step child. Your DH can’t understand this because he has a biological child but I think he’s being unfair not seeing this from your perspective. You’re not being selfish. Wanting your own child is a powerful emotion

I have to ask op

I'm not 100% this is the man for you. You have to decide he is worth giving up your fertile years and not ever having a child.

The slightly ridiculous notion that step mum and mum role are the same is absolutely ridiculous (and I say this as someone in the role of both).

I have known men to drag their feet wasting a women's fertile years because they know women have a clock and men don't.

He doesn't have any need to understand because he isn't the one who's lacking. It's you. A really loving partner would be bending over backwards to enable you to gain thr title mum. The fact he smokes and adoption is ruled out because of it, has he made any moves to stop ? If the answer is no then he's probably just not that interested. It's the age old "I'm alright jack" which is fine for some people but unforgivable when it's your partner someone who should very much not be ok if their partner wasn't.

I have no answers but I think you know deep down what you need to do. Massive hugs xxx

People with children will never understand. How awful that your partner isn't even trying, he could at least quit smoking. Minimising your feelings over something so deeply painful is horrible.

Handholds and wishing you strength 💐

Firstly, he's a man. Men don't grow babies inside of them and give birth. They don't have thousands of years of biological evolution hysterically telling them that they should be pregnant. They will never have the same overwhelming urge to have children as women do, they just won't. On top of all of that, he's already reproduced. He obviously loves his son and (I hate to say it) but he probably isn't particularly fanatical about having another one. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't sort of attitude.

I’m sorry OP. It sounds as if he isn’t bothered about another child and the one he has is enough. That’s why he can’t understand why DSC isn’t enough for you.

He lacks a lot of empathy towards you. Is this isolated, or is he like this in other areas of life?

this is the only area he’s like this, he’s incredible when it comes to absolutely everything else and honestly couldn’t fault him. Until we reach this subject and it’s as though his child should be enough. I was previously married and had 5 step children. I have always been a step parent and I can see evening having not been an adoptive or biological parent it is completely different.

It sounds really difficult. He seems determined not to understand so your only choice really is to work through your feelings without his support or input. Don’t talk to him about it. Don’t get upset around him. You’ll only feel worse when he doesn’t give you what you need.

Would fertility be less of an Issue with a different partner? If so you need to think about that option.

He won't get it. I actually told my DH if we didn't pursue all avenues to get pregnant I'd probably end up leaving as no matter how much I love my DSD it will never be the same

Then in all honesty and I know this isn't what you want to hear, I'd leave him sooner rather than later.

That’s very sad he won’t give up smoking so you can adopt. This is clearly really eating you up. It sounds like he’s done with kids and trying to move you on by bringing up his stepson.

Sorry OP I think this relationship is doomed. His lack of empathy when he reminds you that you have SS. How thick is his skull????

He doesn't get it and never will but more to the point he's not even TRYING TO. You are dealing with such complex emotions and feelings you need someone supportive not this dipshit.

I know this isn't the point of your post but having an adopted child isn't the same as a biological child either.

He won't get it. The biology means that men probably will never get it. Some men will have empathy but fundemtally they can't really get it on the same level. He also has a son so he really can't get it.
Be more clear about what you are feeling and see if he can at least express empathy. I'd say if he really can't say OK look I don't feel the same way but I understand you are hurting inside and I want to support you. Then as PP said you probably need to re evaluate the relationship

He needs it broken down to him. He probably trying to comfort you when he calls him your son, but I find that wrong. It disregards his mum. Would he be okay with SS's mum telling another man SS was his son.

He is not able to show the empathy that you need, but I don't think he's doing it deliberately.

Perhaps couple's counselling, Surrey a Counsellor who understands step and blended family issue would help.

You aren't being unfair or fickle. Your feelings are perfectly normal and natural. Men just don't get it, I doubt he understands how much it upsets you. I hope you guys get a miracle in the near future. X

This set-up works perfectly for him - he has his son and you available to support the both of them. I agree with PP - how thick does he have to be to not see that having a DS is not the same to you as having your own child. I wonder if him trying to put this on you as if you're the one who has a problem is to try to maintain the status quo which suits him.

If adoption is of interest to you I think he should give up smoking immediately to at least give you both the option. You don't have to go through with it. It would be the best think for his health, yours and your SS's too so win win.

But no, it is not a difficult distinction to grasp. If he is saying it because you've limited options and he's trying clumsily and with limited tact to be reassuring then I understand that but it's not really helpful. Also if it's because he genuinely thinks there isn't a difference then perhaps some joint counselling would help clarify the situation?