The anxiety

[piscofrisco]

We have an ongoing situation of high conflict with dh's ex wife.
She has breached the court order this week, despite being told that we couldn't accommodate a change she decided on without any discussion-and this meant that the Children weren't bought to the pick up for our weekend last night.
The kids are very alienated and co erced and have gone mad at dh for not just agreeing to what his ex wife wanted (as they now want it to having had her in theirs ears for weeks about it).
Dh has now gone to pick them up again. They will be home shortly.
I feel actually sick with anxiety. Dh is very upset. It's hard not to feel very cross with the kids (they are 10 and 12 and have been coerced-we know this but it's very tricky in the moment when they are being awful to both dh and I).
I don't actually know how we will get through the rest of this weekend with them.

We have had two years of this. It's exhausting.

Dh will request an emergency court date on Monday. But it will still take ages, more stress, more money we don't have, and it's unlikely to help let's face it.

I'm sitting trying to work and shaking with the anxiety of it all.

I've told dh we must jsut be normal, not talk about the situation even if they try to, other than to say we won't put them in the middle and any discussion should be between mum and dad only, be their safe and comfortable place etc etc.
At this point I just don't want to be in the house.

Can anyone relate? I feel like the worst person in the world

Whether they’re upset or not, taking it out on you two is not on. I’d remind them not so gently that they are children and whilst their voice matters they are children and there comes time when they do as they are told. There is a court ordered agreement which is legally binding and therefore shouldn’t be broken on a whim. I’d be telling them to suck it up and move on. We can spend the weekend miserable and grunting at one another or we can put this to bed and move on. Their choice

They got what 'they' (she) wanted last got re the court order. But all week she has involved them in the debate and told
Them dh is an awful person and trying to stop them doing something they want to do etc etc. So that's how they are treating dh and I. As if we are evil, trying to stop them doing a hobby and doing it out of spite to hurt their mum. Which couldn't be further from the truth.

We have tried telling them it's not a discussion the should be involved in, that the court order is their for a reason, etc etc. It falls on deaf ears as they have been wound up by mum to such a degree.

They aren't back yet. I'm going to take the dogs out for a walk to try and prepare myself

You can’t let know that you are annoyed with them. If their mum is deliberately trying to damage the relationship then this will be exactly what she wants, it will prove to them that she was ‘right’.

Given that you are planning to start court proceedings on Monday then I agree with the PP, that you need to draw a line under it (for now) and enjoy the rest of the weekend with your DSC, and let this play out in the courts. Be aware though, that they are approaching an age where their views will be taken into account and a CAO will carry less weight. Is this a regular hobby that causes them to miss contact time? If so could your DH tell the children that he would love to help facilitate their hobby also, then next time mum tries this DH can say, “thanks for the update, I am happy to collect from hobby location instead of usual location.”

Can resonate with these feelings so much… especially when there has been yet another issue regarding the ex.

Hope things are feeling as settled as they can be.

I completely understand the anxiety you feel. DH had an ex that was very difficult and this impacted on things massively. All I can say is keep making them feel welcome, explain that the disputes are something that they don’t need to worry about as it’s a matter for the adults to resolve. We were always careful that we never bad mouthed the ex no matter what had happened or what we thought as it’s the step child’s parent. Just keep going. It’s hard but you’re not on your own

It's football training. They were enrolled in one team which they had played in since they were four. She then insisted they go and play in a second team (affiliated to her boyfriend) for which we had to alter our entire contact schedule and work patterns to accommodate -which we did. Now a yet later she has fallen out out with one the coaches for one of the boys and moved that one, without discussion to a third team. Training for it is on Friday nights. Court order says we get them at 5, she wants us to drive-a 60 mile round trip to get them after one child's football training at 8.
Dh is not willing to do this. Friday night is the only night we are all in together (my older kids and his, every other weekend when we have them-we also have them two nights mid week). It's the only time we are all together reliably (due to the changes made to accommodate the second football team).
Plus by 8pm On a Friday they are exhausted. They would be home and pretty much straight to bed. And it's only one of them training anyway.
Dh has cleared it with the coach that the kid can train every other week (on her weekends). Apparently that's not good enough for her and now the kids.

She moved them 58 miles away to move in with her boyfriend. And it's been hell ever since. We have to do school drops twice sometimes three times a week (so a 120 mile round trip) and pick ups two thirds of the way there the same amount of days .
Last year dh had to take them to play matches near hers, both Saturday and Sunday. (Different ages). This year it will just be Sunday. But now in different places with this third team for one of them, so I will have to go too.
She will not mediate on this. I've had to give up my career pretty much as dh was about to lose his job he was having to leave early to get them etc and get in late (and he earns much more than me that we can't afford to lose his salary).

It's exhausting and unfair and this latest thing is the straw that has broken the camels back. We just want some sort of family life for maybe three hours a ruddy fortnight!